A Paranoid Convervative Radio Talk Show Host Has Lunch at Olive Garden – A Play for Monday, 6/9/14

A Paranoid ImageConservative Radio Talk Show Host Has Lunch at Olive Garden

SCENE: an Olive Garden (it’s a restaurant, rather than an actual garden full of olives)

HOST: I love this place. Don’t you?

PRODUCER: Oh, yes.

HOST: It’s a great restaurant.

PRODUCER: It is. You’re always right.

HOST: Sometimes I hear people say “I hate Olive Garden!” and I think “Why do you hate them? Because they’re successful? Is that why you hate them?”

PRODUCER: That’s probably why they say that.

HOST: I know it is.

PRODUCER: I like everything you say so much.


WAITER: What can I get for you gentlemen?

PRODUCER: I’ll have whatever he’s having.

HOST: I’m gonna start with the Beef Barley soup.

WAITER: Oh…you know what? I’ll have to check…we may be out of the soup.

HOST: That’s gonna be a problem. I really, really want that soup.

WAITER: You want me to go check right now?

HOST: Could you please?

WAITER: Yes, sir.

(WAITER exits)

HOST: What’s going on there?

PRODUCER: Suspicious.

HOST: I predicted this would happen.

PRODUCER: You did.

HOST: I sat right in this seat and I said to you – remember what I said to you?

PRODUCER: I remember everything you’ve ever said to me.

HOST: I said “Mark my words. One day, we’re going to come in here and they’re going to be out of soup.” And everybody told me “You’re crazy! Olive Garden never runs out of soup!” But once again, here we are, I’m right and everyone else is wrong!

PRODUCER: That’s right.

HOST: I’m the only one that’s willing to talk about this stuff! “Olive Garden will run out of soup,” I said. And I was right.

PRODUCER: You were right.

HOST: “Oh, no! Don’t talk about that! Don’t talk about Olive Garden! We don’t want to hear the truth!” Well, now look where we are.

PRODUCER: You’ve been right every time.

HOST: “Shut him up!” they’ll say. “He’s talking about Olive Garden!” But I can say anything I want to! You can’t shut me up! Don’t try to shut me up! I will shut you down! We will all ban together and SHUT! YOU! DOWN!

PRODUCER: I want to kiss you on the mouth!

HOST: What?


HOST: What did you say?

PRODUCER: I wish I had soup.

(WAITER returns)

WAITER: Hello, gentlemen. My mistake. We have plenty of the beef barley soup. Would you both like a bowl?

HOST: Uh…sure.


WAITER: Very well.

(WAITER exits)

HOST: Well, that’s weird.

PRODUCER: It is weird.

HOST: How come the story keeps changing?

PRODUCER: It is strange.

HOST: Either you have soup or you don’t have soup. Which is it? Why would you say you have no soup one minute, and then the next minute say you have soup. You heard him, right? He said “We’re out of soup.”

PRODUCER: I heard him.

HOST: And then the next minute…BAM! Suddenly, there’s soup .I tell you what… I don’t like the way they were looking at me when I came in here. There’s something off about this place.

PRODUCER: Sinister.

HOST: Sinister. That’s a good word for it.

PRODUCER: Thank you.

HOST: This used to be a great restaurant, you know? You knew what you were getting. But now…everything has gone downhill. You can tell one soup from another anymore. You know, they probably realized who I was.

PRODUCER: Probably.

HOST: Someone recognized me and didn’t want me figuring out the whole soup thing.

PRODUCER: I’ll bet you’re right.

HOST: Take some pictures with your phone.

PRODUCER: Of what?

HOST: Anything. I want to examine them. Maybe we’ll find something.

(PRODUCER takes pictures)

HOST: This whole thing is insane. Dark and insane.

(WAITER brings soup)

WAITER: Two bowls of beef barley.

(WAITER exits. HOST stares at soup.)

HOST: I don’t even want to eat this now.

PRODUCER: Me neither.

HOST: Something’s not right. This is frightening.

PRODUCER: Chilling.

HOST: That’s a good word for it. Chilling.

PRODUCER: Thank you. We should spend more time together outside of work.

HOST: What?

PRODUCER: Nothing. Do you think we should we leave?

HOST: Hell, no. I’m gonna sit here and eat this soup. I will NOT be intimidated! You hear me! You can take my soup away and give me new soup but I don’t have to eat old soup just because you want me to! If I want new soup I will eat new soup!

PRODUCER: Me neither!

(They both eat soup.)

PRODUCER: Like it?

HOST: It’s different. Everything’s different. I don’t like change.

PRODUCER: Me neither.


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