CONVERSATIONS WITH NICK ABOUT THE CHINESE BUFFET

ME: So this is kind of different. You walk around the tables, take what you want and put it on your plate.

NICK: I WANT EVERY FOOD THAT I CAN SEE!

ME: You can take a little bit of a bunch of different things if you want to.

NICK: I WANT TO!

ME: I don’t think you want to eat everything, though. You probably won’t want the octopus.

NICK: I WANT TO SEE THE OCTOPUS!

ME: Not so loud, okay? Here’s the octopus, right here.

NICK: Is it dead?

ME: No. It is a living, breathing, octopus.

NICK: Nunh-uh. You’re just kidding.

ME: That’s right. The octopus is dead, dead, dead. And covered in black pepper.

NICK: *Cough!* *Cough”*

ME: Okay. Seriously, Nick? Cover your mouth. Do not cough on the octopus.

NICK: I WANT GREEN BEANS!

ME: Good choice. Anything else?

NICK: MELON!

ME: Anything else?

NICK: NO!

ME: Okay, let’s go back to the table. And stop shouting, okay?

NICK: OKAY, DAD! What’s that?

ME: That’s like a chocolate fountain.

NICK: A chocolate fountain?

ME: Yeah. But it’s right out there surrounded by grubby children so it’s kind of like a germ fountain.

ALLISON: Hi, guys. What did he get?

ME: Melon and green beans.

ALLISON: Could be worse.

NICK: I NOT GONNA EAT THE OCTOPUS EVEN THOUGH IT’S DEAD.

ALLISON: Lower your voice, Nick.

NICK: What did you get, daddy?

ME: I got crab legs.

NICK: How that crab die?

ME: Well… the fishermen caught it in a net.

NICK: But how did it die?

ME: I don’t know. Some stuff happened and then they cooked it and now I’m gonna eat it.

NICK: How?

ME: Well, you have to crack the leg open to get the meat.

NICK: Do it.

ME: Like this. See?

NICK: CRACK THE LEG, DADDY! GET ALL THE BLOOD OUT!

ALLISON: Seriously, Nick. Not so loud.

ME: I don’t think I can eat this.

ALLISON: Is it bad?

ME: No, I’m just… I’m losing my appetite.

ALLISON: How are the green beans, Nick?

NICK: DELICIOUS!