Because ordering over the phone is like being in a Nichols and May sketch…
RECORDING: Welcome to Telecharge. For tickets to “Kinky Boots” press “1.” For all other shows, please hold. Telecharge is proud partners with Discover. You can take advantage of your Discover card to gain points by simply –
OPERATOR: Hello, how can I help you?
ME: Yeah, I need to buy fifteen tickets to a show in the United Solo Festival but they’re all under different names. So do I –
OPERATOR: One moment please.
MUSIC: “THE TEN DOLLAR FOUNDING FATHER WITHOUT A FATHER GOES A LOT FARTHER BY WORKING A LOT HARDER…”
OPERATOR: Yes, hello?
OPERATOR: Okay, that’s what’s known as a “special ticket order.”
OPERATOR: What day, please?
ME: November 11th, but first…can I just buy them all together and then assign names or do I have to do it one name at a time?
OPERATOR: One name at a time, please.
OPERATOR: For what date?
ME: November 11th.
OPERATOR: What time?
ME: 3:30 PM.
OPERATOR: That’s PANTHER HOLLOW?
OPERATOR: At the Studio Theatre on Theatre Row.
OPERATOR: How many tickets?
ME: Dan Bauer. B-A-U-E-R.
OPERATOR: That’s B as in “Boy,” A as in “Aardvark,” U as in “Uncle” E, R?
OPERATOR: That’s one ticket under the name Dan Bauer for the show Panther Hollow at the United Solo Festival in the Studio Theatre on Theatre Row on November 11th at 3:30 PM. Is that correct?
OPERATOR: There are no refunds or exchanges. The tickets are $19.25 plus $2:25 for processing and $2:50 for handling, okay?
OPERATOR: Discover is the official card of Telecharge. Would you like to earn points on your Discover card with today’s purchase?
OPERATOR: What card will you be using for today’s purchase?
ME: I have a Mastercard.
OPERATOR: May I have the number please?
ME: Sure. xxxx – xxx.-xxxxxxx.
OPERATOR: And the expiration date?
OPERATOR: And the three digit security code on the back of the card, please.
OPERATOR: That’s a Mastercard number xxxx-xxx-xxxxxxx, expiration date 4/20 with the three digit security code 482.
OPERATOR: Name on the card?
ME: David Lee White
OPERATOR: Billing address?
ME: 29 Tartara Court. T-A-R-T-A-R-A Court.
OPERATOR: That’s T as in “Tom,” A as in “Aardvark,” R as in “Roger,” T as in “Tom again” A as in “Aardvark,” R as in “Roger,” A as in “Aardvark.”
Operator: That’s one ticket under the name Dan Bauer for Panther Hollow in the Studio Theatre on Theatre Row on November 11th at 3:30.
OPERATOR: Please be aware that each ticket holder must show two forms of I.D. with one of those being a photo I.D. Tickets may be picked up no earlier than the day of the performance and no sooner than fifteen minutes before curtain. Children under the age of four are not permitted in the theatre. May I have an email address to send the confirmation to?
ME: Sure. email@example.com.
OPERATOR: Would you like to receive special offers and information from Telecharge via the email address firstname.lastname@example.org?
OPERATOR: Yes sir. Your confirmation number is ready. Do you have a pen?
ME: I do.
OPERATOR: Your confirmation number is 473-78-55586.
ME: Great. Will that be emailed to me as well?
OPERATOR: Yes, your confirmation number will be emailed to you at email@example.com
OPERATOR: Telecharge also has deals with restaurants in the area like Sardis, the Four Seasons, American Kitchen and The Russian Tea Room. Would you like to make a reservation?
OPERATOR: Can you hold one moment?
MUSIC: “WITH YOUR RIIING OF KEEEEEEYS, YOUR RIIIIING OF KEEEEEEYS!”
OPERATOR: What’s the next name?
ME: Is that it for the first one?
ME: Awesome. Only fourteen more to go.
If you want to avoid that and order tickets lickety-split, go here – http://unitedsolo.org/us/pantherhollow-2015/
But honestly, if you want to do it the fun way, call Telecharge at 212.239.6200. And remember, you want Panther Hollow on November 11th at 3:30 PM. Use your discover points. Make a dinner reservation.