The thing that happened right before I did PANTHER HOLLOW last night.

Al: Hey! Sorry I’m late. You ready to do the show?

Me: Yeah. Did you bring my new belt?

Al: I did. The one I got you for Christmas, right?

Me: Yeah. John thought I should wear jeans instead but the waist is a little big and my belt is too loose so I thought this one would be better. I don’t want to be on stage constantly pulling my pants.

Al: This one doesn’t have holes. It’s a new kind of belt or something.

Me: That why I thought it might work better.

Al: Put it on. Let’s see.

Me: Okay. How does it…I guess you just loop this through the buckle and pull it…Whoa! Okay. Too tight. I made it too tight.

Al: Loosen it a bit.

Me: How do you do that?

Al: I don’t know. Let me see. Do you just pull it through like this?

Me: OW! It’s tighter! You made it tighter. Ouch. Oh my God. I can hardly breathe.

Al: There must be a button or something that loosens it.

Me: I don’t see one.

Al: That’s ridiculous. It has to be there.

Me: Ow! Oh my God. The show starts in fifteen minutes.

Al: Are you just supposed to never take the belt off?


Al: There has to be!


Al: I left the instructions at home.

Me: It came with instructions???

Al: It’s a belt without holes! Of course it came with instructions!

Me: Why didn’t you bring them?

Al: I cut all the tags off! I thought I was being helpful!

Me: Okay. I’m going online to look up how to take off this belt.

Al: Good idea. Google “Mission Belt.”

Me: It’s called a Mission Belt?

Al: Yes.

Me: Typing “Mission Belt – How do I open it?”

Al: There! They have a website!

Me: “As seen on Shark Tank.” This belt is from Shark Tank???

Al: I don’t even want to tell you what I paid for it.

Me: Clicking on “How does the Mission Belt work.”

Al: Good. There’s an instructional video. Play it.

Me: I think it just punctured my liver. But I’m glad there’s an instructional video.

Al: Shhh! There! The video just showed how to open it.

Me: I missed it.

Al: There’s a trigger! There’s a trigger on the buckle!

Me: THERE IS NO TRIGGER ON THE…Wait. There’s a trigger on the buckle. Ugh! It won’t move. The buckle trigger won’t move!

Al: Maybe you’re doing it wrong.

Me: It’s a belt buckle trigger! How many ways can there be to do it? ??

Al: I’ll play the video again. Pay attention this time.

Me: I can’t feel my legs! See if you can find a knife or something. We’re going to have to just cut me out of it! I need the jaws of life or something!

Al: There! See! You just pull up the trigger.

Me: I TRIED PULLING UP THE TRIGGER BUT I CAN’T PULL IT UP BECAUSE IT WON’T wait I think I got it. Yep. I totally got it. The trigger works. You just have to pull the trigger.

Al: You okay now?

Me: Yeah.

Al: You gonna wear that belt?

Me: Well now that I know the trigger works, sure. I like it. Good belt.

Al: Cool. Break a leg. See you afterwards.

Me: Thanks. Love you.

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