ANNIE’S LAMENT*
A Play for Monday
By David Lee White
(A coffeehouse. ANNIE is preparing to go onstage. ROB enters with his guitar)
ROB
Hi. Annie?
ANNIE
Yes. Rob?
ROB
Yes.
ANNIE
You get the music I sent?
ROB
Yep. Let’s do it.
ANNOUNCER
Everyone welcome to the stage, Annie Cohen!
(Smattering of applause)
ANNIE
Hi, everyone. This is our first gig together. I’m gonna sing an original song. I hope you like it.
(ROB begins to play a happy, bouncy tune. ANNIE gives him a thumbs up, then sings)
ANNIE
“Oh, if I had a dollar
I would buy a bridge to nowhere,
Because folks that live in nowhere
They all need love too.
And if I had a flower
I would plant it in the clouds
Because clouds all look the same
And the flower would be new
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, LA LA LA!
(ANNIE smiles at ROB, ROB smiles at ANNIE)
“How do you like,
This guy, my new guitarist?
I found him on Craigslist and
I think he’s pretty good!
He doesn’t remember
That one time we slept together
It was two years ago,
I didn’t think he would.”
ROB
Wait, what?
ANNIE
Just keep playing. You’re doing great.
“He never called me back,
Because he had a girlfriend.
She’s sitting in the audience,
Don’t you think that’s fun?
He was drunk at the time
And he gave me nitrate poppers
If I had to guess I’d say that I am
Not the only one!”
ROB
Wait… I didn’t…I never…
ANNIE
Sh! Bring it home, Robbie!
“If I had a flower,
I’d stick it down his throat.
If I had a dollar,
I would shove it up his butt.
‘Cause that night he gave me herpes
And that doesn’t make me happy
And it’s time to humiliate
This ass hat, male slut.”
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, LA LA LA!
ROB
All right. I’m out of here.
(ROB exits. ANNIE bows)
ANNIE
Thank you. I have CDs for sale by the door.
*A one minute version of ANNIE’S LAMENT was produced as part of the second annual New Jersey One Minute Play Festival in Hoboken, NJ
David Lee White 