DRINK MORE WATER – A Play for Monday, 05/18/14

ImageDRINK MORE WATER

A Play for Monday – 05/18/14

By David Lee White

 

Scene: A restaurant. Jim is seated at a table. Stan enters.

Stan: Hey!

Jim: What’s up?

Stan: How long has it been? Two years?

Jim: I can’t believe it! Two years!

Stan: Great to see you, man! You look great!

Jim: You too! How’s life treating you?

Stan: You know…not bad. I’m a little under the weather right now. I’ve got some stomach bug –

Jim: Uh-oh.

Stan: Or an intestinal thing.

Jim: Do you drink a lot of water?

Stan: Oh, yeah. Plenty of water.

Jim: Really?

Stan: Sure.

(pause)

Jim: Really?

Stan: Yeah. I drink water.

Jim: Do you drink enough water?

Stan: Well…yeah.

Jim: I’ll bet you don’t.

Stan: I don’t understand.

Jim: A lot of people think they drink enough water but they really should be drinking more water.

Stan: That’s…okay…but I really think I drink a lot of water.

Jim: I’ll bet you don’t. You should drink more water.

Stan: I’m sorry…how do you know how much water I drink?

Jim: How much water do you drink?

Stan: I don’t know… several glasses a day I guess.

Jim: Big glasses or medium sized glasses?

Stan: I don’t know…like…normal glass-sized glasses.

Jim: Yeah. You need to drink more water. You wouldn’t be having this stomach thing if you drank more water.

Stan: How do you know that? How do you even know what’s causing the stomach thing?

Jim: Look, all I know is I used to be the same way. I thought I was drinking enough water and people were always going “drink more water” and I was like “I drink plenty of water,” but then I suddenly realized what they meant when they said “more water.” They were talking about a lot more water.

Stan: So you started drinking more water.

Jim: Yep.

Stan: And you feel better?

Jim: I feel great!

Stan: How much water do you drink?

Jim: More than you.

Stan: How do you know that??

Jim: It’s the way you talk. Like you drink some water but you don’t really think it’s that big a deal. If you were drinking more water you would understand just what a big deal it is.

Stan: This is…look, I drink water when I’m thirsty and sometimes even a little more than that.

Jim: You realize that I’m not talking about juice or coffee, right?

Stan: No! I know you’re talking about actual water!

Jim: Hey. Calm down. There’s no reason to yell.

Stan: Well why are you just assuming that there’s something wrong with me?

Jim: Hey. I just want you to drink more water.

Stan: I. Drink. Water.

Jim: Okay.

(Pause)

Jim: But you don’t drink enough water.

Stan: I don’t think we can hang out anymore.

Jim: I’m trying to help you.

Stan: No you’re not. You want to get me to drink more water so that you can tell everyone “Hey, look. Stan didn’t used to drink enough water but I got him to drink water.”

Jim: That’s ridiculous. I’m concerned for your health.

Stan: You are not concerned for my health. You just want me to admit that I don’t drink enough water so that you can be right.

Jim: That hurts me.

Stan: I’m sorry. That’s just what it feels like.

Jim: Maybe we should change the subject.

Stan: Okay. Great. Maybe we got off on the wrong foot.

Jim: Sure.

Stan: I mean it’s been a couple years since we’ve seen each other.

Jim: Right.

Stan: So I saw the new James Bond film.

Jim: Yeah?

Stan: Yeah. I remember you were a fan.

Jim: I still am. You want to know a fun fact about Daniel Craig?

Stan: Drinks a lot of water?

Jim: Yep.

Stan: I want to shoot you in the face.

Jim: Whoa, whoa, whoa! There is no need to get violent! I am just expressing myself to you! I am trying to get you to see that you should drink more water and you’re getting all violent!

Stan: Don’t do that! Don’t just keep poking at me over and over again and then pretending like it’s all my fault if I lose my temper!

Jim: It is your fault! I don’t know why you hate water!

Stan: I don’t hate water! I drink it all the time! I fucking bathe in it! I went on a cruise and snorkled with the goddamn stingrays! Water was all over me!

Jim: I can’t talk to you if you’re gonna yell and cuss at me like that.

Stan: Forget it. Just…forget it. I’m sorry I yelled.

(Waiter enters)

Waiter: Can I get you gentlemen anything to drink?

Stan: Just a glass of water.

Waiter: Water for you?

Jim: Whiskey.

END OF PLAY

 

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