DRINK MORE WATER
A Play for Monday – 05/18/14
By David Lee White
Scene: A restaurant. Jim is seated at a table. Stan enters.
Stan: Hey!
Jim: What’s up?
Stan: How long has it been? Two years?
Jim: I can’t believe it! Two years!
Stan: Great to see you, man! You look great!
Jim: You too! How’s life treating you?
Stan: You know…not bad. I’m a little under the weather right now. I’ve got some stomach bug –
Jim: Uh-oh.
Stan: Or an intestinal thing.
Jim: Do you drink a lot of water?
Stan: Oh, yeah. Plenty of water.
Jim: Really?
Stan: Sure.
(pause)
Jim: Really?
Stan: Yeah. I drink water.
Jim: Do you drink enough water?
Stan: Well…yeah.
Jim: I’ll bet you don’t.
Stan: I don’t understand.
Jim: A lot of people think they drink enough water but they really should be drinking more water.
Stan: That’s…okay…but I really think I drink a lot of water.
Jim: I’ll bet you don’t. You should drink more water.
Stan: I’m sorry…how do you know how much water I drink?
Jim: How much water do you drink?
Stan: I don’t know… several glasses a day I guess.
Jim: Big glasses or medium sized glasses?
Stan: I don’t know…like…normal glass-sized glasses.
Jim: Yeah. You need to drink more water. You wouldn’t be having this stomach thing if you drank more water.
Stan: How do you know that? How do you even know what’s causing the stomach thing?
Jim: Look, all I know is I used to be the same way. I thought I was drinking enough water and people were always going “drink more water” and I was like “I drink plenty of water,” but then I suddenly realized what they meant when they said “more water.” They were talking about a lot more water.
Stan: So you started drinking more water.
Jim: Yep.
Stan: And you feel better?
Jim: I feel great!
Stan: How much water do you drink?
Jim: More than you.
Stan: How do you know that??
Jim: It’s the way you talk. Like you drink some water but you don’t really think it’s that big a deal. If you were drinking more water you would understand just what a big deal it is.
Stan: This is…look, I drink water when I’m thirsty and sometimes even a little more than that.
Jim: You realize that I’m not talking about juice or coffee, right?
Stan: No! I know you’re talking about actual water!
Jim: Hey. Calm down. There’s no reason to yell.
Stan: Well why are you just assuming that there’s something wrong with me?
Jim: Hey. I just want you to drink more water.
Stan: I. Drink. Water.
Jim: Okay.
(Pause)
Jim: But you don’t drink enough water.
Stan: I don’t think we can hang out anymore.
Jim: I’m trying to help you.
Stan: No you’re not. You want to get me to drink more water so that you can tell everyone “Hey, look. Stan didn’t used to drink enough water but I got him to drink water.”
Jim: That’s ridiculous. I’m concerned for your health.
Stan: You are not concerned for my health. You just want me to admit that I don’t drink enough water so that you can be right.
Jim: That hurts me.
Stan: I’m sorry. That’s just what it feels like.
Jim: Maybe we should change the subject.
Stan: Okay. Great. Maybe we got off on the wrong foot.
Jim: Sure.
Stan: I mean it’s been a couple years since we’ve seen each other.
Jim: Right.
Stan: So I saw the new James Bond film.
Jim: Yeah?
Stan: Yeah. I remember you were a fan.
Jim: I still am. You want to know a fun fact about Daniel Craig?
Stan: Drinks a lot of water?
Jim: Yep.
Stan: I want to shoot you in the face.
Jim: Whoa, whoa, whoa! There is no need to get violent! I am just expressing myself to you! I am trying to get you to see that you should drink more water and you’re getting all violent!
Stan: Don’t do that! Don’t just keep poking at me over and over again and then pretending like it’s all my fault if I lose my temper!
Jim: It is your fault! I don’t know why you hate water!
Stan: I don’t hate water! I drink it all the time! I fucking bathe in it! I went on a cruise and snorkled with the goddamn stingrays! Water was all over me!
Jim: I can’t talk to you if you’re gonna yell and cuss at me like that.
Stan: Forget it. Just…forget it. I’m sorry I yelled.
(Waiter enters)
Waiter: Can I get you gentlemen anything to drink?
Stan: Just a glass of water.
Waiter: Water for you?
Jim: Whiskey.
END OF PLAY
David Lee White 