NICK: Daddy! Come here!
ME: What do you – whoa. Okay. You’re naked and sitting on the toilet with a toy rifle*.
NICK: Come here!
ME: Are you okay?
NICK: I have a joke!
ME: I’m terrified. What’s the joke?
NICK: Go get mommy and tell her you have a present for her and then bring her here and say “surprise” and tell her I’m a new toy.
ME: This is a great idea. Allison?
ME: Come here, please.
ALLISON: What is – whoa. Okay. You’re all naked on the potty, buddy.
ME: And he has a rifle.
ALLISON: And he has a rifle. Why is he so still? He’s not moving.
ME: Allison! Look! I have a surprise for you!
ALLISON: I love surprises! Whatever could it be?
ME: This is your new toy! It’s a statue!
ALLISON: I love statues! Did you make it?
ME: Yes! Carved it myself. I call it…”Naked boy on potty with rifle!”
ALLISON: It’s so life-like!
ALLISON: Oh my God! The statue talked!
NICK: IT’S ME, MOM! IT’S NICK!
ALLISON: Nick? I’m so shocked and pleased!
NICK: Okay, daddy? Do it again. Mommy, go out and daddy bring her in and say “I have a new toy for you.”
ALLISON: I’ll go back to my office.
ME: Cool. Okay. Allison! Come here!
ALLISON: What is it? I – Goodness! It’s a naked boy on the potty with a rifle!
ME: It’s your new toy!
ALLISON: A new toy? Is it a statue?
ME: It is. I call it “Nude boy with rifle!”
ALLISON: It’s moving! It almost looks like it’s laughing!
ME: I made it that way. It’s a laughing nude boy rifle statue!
NICK: HAHAHAHAHAHA! YOU GUYS ARE CRACKING ME OUT!
*It’s not a real-looking rifle. It’s a carved piece of wood in a sort-of gun shape. He got it from the Old Barracks in Trenton. So just settle down.