Tag: Conversations with Nick

ALLISON: Oh. Nick. I don’t know if that suit will fit.

NICK: I want to wear it.

ME: Buddy, don’t you think you’ll feel more comfortable in something else?

ALLISON: That suit is a little small.

NICK: I want to wear it.

ALLISON: I guess he will be wearing a graduation gown.

ME: It’s his pre-school graduation. I guess if he wants to wear the suit, let him wear the suit.

NICK: I do. I want to wear it.

ALLISON: You do look really good in it.

ME: As long as you don’t raise your arms and don’t move at all.

ALLISON: It’s really small, isn’t it.

ME: It’s pretty small, yeah.

NICK: I WANT TO WEAR IT!

ALLISON: Okay, okay. You can wear it. Do you think you’ll be hot?

NICK: No, mom.

ALLISON: Okay. Let’s just go, I guess.

******************

ONE HOUR LATER

ME: You see him?

ALLISON: He’s in back. I guess they’re gonna sing some songs, first.

ME: Oh, man listen to that. What song are they singing?

ALLISON: I can’t even tell. Something about raindrops or monkeys jumping on beds or something.

ME: Uh-oh.

ALLISON: What.

ME: He doesn’t look happy.

ALLISON: What’s he doing?

ME: Oh, God. He’s trying to get my attention.

ALLISON: Oh no. (whispering) It’s okay! Sing the song!

ME: He can’t…what are you doing? He can’t hear you.

ALLISON: He looks like he’s singing. But he’s not doing any of the hand motions.

ME: Something’s wrong. He’s not okay.

ALLISON: What should we do?

ME: I don’t know. (whispering) It’s okay, Nick! Just sing! Sing!

ALLISON: He can’t hear you!

ME: I know!

ALLISON: Is he okay?

ME: I don’t know!

ALLISON: Okay. Okay. He looks okay now that the song’s over.

ME: Good. That’s good. Phew.

***********

ONE HOUR LATER

ME: Hey, buddy!

NICK: Dad!

ALLISON: Congratulations!

NICK: Thank you!

ME: So bud…what was wrong during the song? You looked like you were upset about something.

NICK: IT’S THIS SUIT, DAD! IT’S TOO TIGHT! I COULDN’T RAISE MY ARMS!!!

NICK: Dad! Look!

ME: What is it?

NICK: A bug, dad!

ME: Ew. Gross.

NICK: Dad?

ME: Yes.

NICK: What would happen if I pulled down my pants and pooped on that bug?

ME: I don’t…I don’t know, Nick.

NICK: I KNOW WHAT WOULD HAPPEN! I WOULD MAKE IT DEAD! IT WOULD BE DEAD FROM THE POOP ON IT! I WOULD KILL THAT BUG WITH MY POOP! AND THEN I WOULD EAT IT!

ME: Stop, stop, STOP! Seriously, Nick! That’s enough! It’s too gross, okay? That is TOO GROSS! Oh my God! Little boys are so gross!

NICK: Okay. Dad?

ME: What?

NICK: Am I ever gonna have a baby bro –

ME: NO!!!

NICK: Dad?

ME: Yes.

NICK: What happens if our house gets struck by lightning?

ME: Well…it depends.

NICK: Will it catch on fire?

ME: It could.

NICK: What if a person gets struck by lightning? Will they catch on fire?

ME: I guess they could.

NICK OH! OH! I KNOW WHAT TO DO IF YOU CATCH ON FIRE!

ME: What?

NICK: DROP…STOP…AND ROLL!

ME: Excellent. Do you understand what that means?

NICK: No.

ME: Okay. Well, it means if you’re on fire, you should just stop where you are, drop to the ground, and roll around to put out the fire.

NICK: And then pour water on it.

ME: That’s not part of it.

NICK: But water puts out fire.

ME: I know… but… I guess it means don’t just wait around for someone to go get water. Start rolling around right away if you notice you’re on fire.

NICK: Then put water on the fire.

ME: Yes. Right. Unless there’s no water around.

NICK: Why?

ME: I don’t know. Like maybe you catch fire in an open field. Then you wouldn’t be around water.

NICK: I would have a bottle of water and I would pour it right on the fire.

ME: That’s good. But also, you could just roll around in the field to put out the fire.

NICK: And then the grass would catch on fire.

ME: That could happen, I guess.

NICK: If I catch on fire, I will be by a pool. Then I would just roll into the pool.

ME: That’s one option if you are definitely by a pool. But people aren’t always by pools when they catch fire.

NICK: Then they should drop, stop and roll and then I will shoot them with my water cannon.

ME: Okay, but what I’m saying is that there may not be a water cannon. And so the best thing you could do is just roll around and that might put out the fire.

NICK: I would still shoot everyone with a water cannon.

ME: That’s fine, but I’m saying there’s not always a fire cannon –

NICK :A FIRE CANNON???? WHAT’S A FIRE CANNON???

ME: I meant a water cannon.

NICK: HAHAHHAHA! YOU SAID FIRE CANNON!

ME: You know what I meant.

NICK: YOU CAN’T PUT OUT A FIRE WITH A FIRE CANNON!

ME: I KNOW!

ME: How’s your french toast?

NICK: Good.

ME: Stop trying to suck your french toast butter through your straw.

NICK: Dad?

ME: Yes.

NICK: Simon bit me twice on the arm.

ME: What?

NICK: Simon bit me twice on the arm!

ME: Why? Why did he bite you?

NICK: I’m just kidding! I bit myself!

ME: Why did you bite yourself?

NICK: I don’t know. I did it twice.

ME: Nick,seriously,  do NOT suck your french toast butter through your straw.

NICK: But I want to.

ME: Don’t do it.

NICK: Dad?

ME: Yes.

NICK: Donatello rode his skateboard at school today.

ME: Donatello? The Ninja Turtle?

NICK: Yes.

ME: What was he doing at your school?

NICK: I don’t know. Dad?

ME: Yes.

NICK: What if a big, dumb lady broke into our house and hit me and then the police came and SHOT HER IN THE BACK?!

ME: Oh, my God! Nick…! Why…? Why would you even…  Why, why, why…?

NICK: Can I have some of your fries?

ME: Take them all.

NICK: I’m gonna put maple syrup on the them.

ME: That’s fine.

NICK: It wasn’t a ninja turtle on a skateboard. It was just Jimmy. I was making a joke.

NICK: Dad?

ME: Yes.

NICK: I had three dreams last night.

ME: What were they about?

NICK: The first one was about the Air Force. The second one was about ducks and then about birds.

ME: Ducks, huh?

NICK: Yeah.

ME: What did the ducks do?

NICK: I don’t know. I wasn’t really watching them because the TV was on.

ME: What was on the TV?

NICK: The Cartoon Network.

ME: So you were watching the Cartoon Network instead of the ducks.

NICK: Yeah.

ME: What was on the Cartoon Network?

NICK: Birds.

ME: I see. What were the birds doing?

NICK: They were just flying across the TV. Then the TV started spinning and spinning. It was a funny dream.

ME: And what about the dream about the Air Force? What was that dream about?

NICK: It was just about the Air Force.

NICK: When a person dies, does their house fall down?

ME: No. Even after someone dies, their house is still there.

NICK: Why?

ME: Well, houses don’t die. They can get torn down or something but they aren’t really alive.

NICK: So what happens to the houses?

ME: Well, sometimes if someone dies, their kids might move into the house and live there. Or they might sell the house to someone else.

NICK: Hmm.

ME: You like our house, don’t you?

NICK: Yeah.

ME: You want to live in it forever?

NICK: I don’t knooooww…

ME: You want us to find another house some day?

NICK: I just want to go where you and mommy go. I want to go with you guys.

ME: Oh, you will. We wouldn’t just leave you in the house.

NICK: Yeah. Because you know what? Little people can’t really take care of themself.

ME: You wouldn’t have to take care of yourself. Mommy and I would take you to the new house.

NICK: Yeah. Cause I can’t live out of the house until I’m like fifteen.

ME: I didn’t move out of my house until I was eighteen.

NICK: What? Wow. Dad?

ME: Yes.

NICK: Why did you marry mommy?

ME: I fell in love with her.

NICK: Why?

ME: Well, we went to dinner one night and I liked her and she liked me so we decided to go to dinner again. And then we…you know…just kept going to dinner. There were a lot of dinners. Eventually, we just started having dinner together all the time.

NICK: And then your mommy and daddy didn’t take care of you anymore because mommy took care of you.

ME: Well, we all take care of each other. That’s the way that’s supposed to work.

NICK: Well I’m not gonna get married. Even when I’m a grown up. I’m just gonna stay with you guys forever.

ME: Oh, I think someday you’ll meet someone you want to marry.

NICK: (sticks out tongue) PBFT!

ME: PBFT!

NICK: Dad?

ME: Yes.

NICK: Where do ticks come from?

ME: I don’t know, actually. I think they fall on you from trees.

NICK: Why?

ME: To suck your blood.

NICK: Why?

ME: That’s what they do. Blood is what they eat.

NICK: Do they eat anything else?

ME: I don’t think so. Just blood.

NICK: Dad. Know what?

ME: What?

NICK: Ticks won’t drink your blood if you have a blood test!

ME: What do you mean?

NICK: If you have a blood test outside, ticks would come and you would say “Get outta here, tick!”

ME: I don’t think you would have a blood test outside.

NICK: “If,” dad. “If” I said. I know you only have blood tests inside. But dad?

ME: Yes.

NICK: What if someone brought a tick inside to where you had the blood test?

ME: Why would someone do that?

NICK: Someone might just bring a tick to the blood test.

ME: But why?

NICK: Maybe the tick has to get a blood test.

ME: Ticks don’t get blood tests.

NICK: Maybe it’s a check-up. And someone brings in the tick and says “My tick is here for a check-up!”

ME: Then what does the doctor say?

NICK: He says “come over here, tick!” and then HE SMASHES THE TICK WITH A HAMMER!

ME: Oh, my.

NICK: Yeah but know what?

ME: What?

NICK: At night, the doctor comes home and sees a tick and says “What is this another tick?” but then the tick says “NO! I AM THE SAME TICK! MY NAME IS TRIMARCO JONES SEBASTIAN AND I SURVIVED AFTER ALL!”

NICK: Dad?

ME: Yes.

NICK: Go outside. Close the door.

ME: Why?

NICK: I can do it by myself.

ME: You’re gonna take your bath by yourself?

NICK: Yes. Go outside and shut the door. I need my privacy.

ME: Okay.

NICK: But just sit in the hall. Don’t go away.

ME: Okay.

NICK: But shut the door.

ME: Okay.

(Door closes. Sounds of rustling around come from the bathroom.)

NICK: Why…won’t…you…come…off…stupid…shirt!!!???

ME: Nick? Do you need any help?

NICK: No! I can take off my shirt all by myself!

ME: Okay. It just sounded like you were having some trouble.

NICK: I’m not! I’m not having any trouble!

ME: Okay. Just let me know if you need anything.

NICK: Sit in the hall but not too far away!

ME: Okay.

NICK: (to himself) Ow! Ow. Too hot, too hot, too hot…

ME: Nick, do you need me to adjust the water for you? Is it too hot?

NICK: No! I can do it!

ME: Okay.

(Many minutes pass. Nick plays with boats)

NICK: I’m a pirate, I’m a pirate…Hello, Batman. Are you a pirate? No! I’m Batman! Okay. I’m a pirate! Okay, then you must fight me. Uh! Uh! Punch, punch!

ME: You okay in there?

NICK: Yeah, I’m okay!

ME: It’s just about time to get out.

NICK: Okay, but dad?

ME: Yeah?

NICK: I can brush my teeth by myself.

ME: If you say so.

NICK: I CAN!

ME: Okay, okay. I believe you.

NICK: (to himself) Dumb toothpaste. Come on, dumb toothpaste!

ME: Nick, do you –

NICK: No!

ME: ‘Kay.

(Nick opens door)

ME: You ready for bed?

NICK: I want to put on my pajamas by myself.

ME: Sure.

NICK: Don’t come in my room!

ME: I won’t.

NICK: Stay in the hall!

ME: Okay.

NICK: But not too far away! Just right there!

ME: Okay.

(pause)

NICK: Okay, you can come in.

ME: Your pants are on backwards.

NICK: NO THEY’RE NOT!

ME: Your pants are totally on backwards.

NICK: AAAAAAHHHHHGGGG! I CAN DO! IT! MY! SELF!

ME: I’m sure you can. Do you want to take them off and turn them around?

NICK: No!

ME: You just want to wear them backwards!

NICK: Yeah!

ME: Fine with me. You want me to read you a book?

NICK: Yeah, but dad?

ME: Uh-huh.

NICK: Don’t get on the bed with me. Just sit on the floor.

ME: Okay.

NICK: And then you lay down on the floor when I go to sleep.

ME: I’m not laying on your floor.

NICK: Yes, dad!

ME: No way. I’ll read you a book from here but if I lie on your floor, I’ll never be able to get up.

NICK: Okay. Then dad…know what? After you read a book, then go into mommy’s office.I can go to sleep by myself.

ME: All right.

NICK: But don’t go too far away.

ME: I won’t.

NICK: Dad! Come here!

ME: Where are you?

NICK: In the potty!

ME: Oh. Are you okay?

NICK: Yeah!

ME: What do you need?

NICK: Bring me my ninjas!

ME: Your what?

NICK: Bring me my ninjas so I can look at them while I go potty!

ME: You bet. Where are they?

NICK: They’re on the stairs! There’s a ninja on every stair! There’s one on the bottom stair, then another one above that, then another ninja and another ninja, then one in the middle and then another one in the middle and then one on the top and then another one on the top! Go to the stairs and pick up the ninjas from all the stairs! There’s a red one and a yellow one and a green one and a blue one and another blue one! Look for the colors and pick up the ninjas! Then bring them to me in the potty!

ME: Sure.

(One minute later)

ME: Here you go.

NICKS Thanks dad. Put them down right there.

ME: Done. Need anything else?

NICK: Yes, now go away and close the door because I need my privacy.

NICK: Daddy, know what?

ME: What?

NICK: You know in that soldier video?

ME: Which one?

NICK: The stop motion soldiers on YouTube.

ME: Ah. Yes.

NICK: Know what? They say a bad word. They say “Damn.”

ME: Yeah. Well, the important thing is not to say those words in school or around guests or anything. If you want to ask me and mommy about bad words, you can. But we don’t say bad words that might hurt people’s feelings.

NICK: But you know what? They also say “WHAT THE HELL?”

ME: I see.

NICK: What does that mean?

ME: What does “What the hell” mean?

NICK: Yeah.

ME: Well…it’s kind of like when people say “What in the world?” You know, like… “What in the world happened here?” Except “world” isn’t a bad word.

NICK: What is a bad word?

ME: Well…”hell” is a bad word.

NICK: What does it mean?

ME: What does hell mean?

NICK: Yeah.

ME: Well…uh…phew…um…hell is, like… it’s a place.

NICK: Where is it?

ME: It’s nowhere.

NICK: Can we go there?

ME: No. I mean…hell is not real. It’s not real. Hell is not a real place.

NICK: But where is it?

ME: It’s nowhere. Hell is not real.

NICK: It’s from a story?

ME: Yes. People talk about Hell in stories.

NICK: Have you read the book with the story?

ME: I’ve probably read the whole book, just not in the right order.

NICK: But what is it then?

ME: Hell?

NICK: Yeah.

ME: Well…like I said…it’s a place…but it’s a pretend place. It’s not real. People just made it up to scare other people.

NICK: Why?

ME: Well…to scare them. To get them to…act a certain way, I guess.

NICK: What does it look like?

ME: It’s really hot. Like it has fire in it.

NICK: Fire?

ME: Yes, but again…not real. So you don’t have to be afraid of it.

NICK: Why they say it to scare people?

ME: That’s a good question. People used to say things about hell to scare people so they wouldn’t be bad.

NICK: Why?

ME: Well, they liked to talk about how bad people go to hell.

NICK: Why?

ME: Because…you know what? It doesn’t matter. Hell isn’t real. We should do good things and be nice to people because we want to be nice. Not because we’re afraid of hell.

NICK: I want to see a picture.

ME: Oh… I don’t know.

NICK: Please??? I want to see a picture of Hell.

ME: There’s nothing to see, really. I mean it’s fire and rock and stuff.

NICK: Like a volcano.

ME: Yeah, kind of. If you’ve seen a volcano, that’s basically Hell.

NICK: So why do they say “What the hell?”

ME: I’ve got no freaking idea.