COMING ATTRACTION Scene III

SCENE III

(JERRY comes onstage and addresses the audience)

JERRY
Fear of commitment. It’s always been an issue. You can hardly blame me, considering the struggle that I saw my parents go through. My dad cut out on us when I was about ten. He was possessed by the malevolent spirit of an old mansion we stayed in one winter. You know how it goes. He thought it would be a good idea for us to get away, to do something together as a family. The place was more or less empty all winter long, except for the clairvoyant caretaker, and dad wanted to spend the next few months writing the “great American novel”.

Well, before you know it, the hallways are filling with psychic blood and the ghosts of these twin girls are following us around… It was a nightmare. And mom was at the end of her rope, carrying my sister and me through the snow covered shrubbery trying to escape my ax-wielding father. I remember my mother sitting me down, once my little sister had been successfully exorcised by the Catholic church, and saying to me “Well, Jerry, Daddy’s gone; his soul belongs to Pazuzu and you’re the man of the house now.”

And that was scary. Far more scary than having a maniac father, if you ask me. I used to pray that I would wake up one night and my father would be standing over my bed with his bloody ax and his glowing green eyes and I would leap out of bed and hold him…

The thing that really gets me though, is that my father knew the house was evil and he took us anyway. I mean, it was in the brochure and everything! I couldn’t understand. Was he so desperate to get away from his family that he was willing to sacrifice his soul to do it? He had a choice, you know. He could have turned his back on Satan’s minions for the sake of his family. All he had to do was say “No. I will not do the devil’s work on earth.” Was he just a coward? Or is there something about pledging your life to another person for the rest of your life that really is that terrifying; that dangerous.

I still don’t know. And I’m not sure I want to find out.

(JERRY exits. We are in a restaurant. BOBBI is seated
with HARRISON. They are on a date.)

HARRISON
So anyway, after I rescued the Tribble Princess and saved an entire outer-space mining colony from destruction, thus enabling them to fulfill their destiny by moving on to the next stage of evolution, I hopped in my cruiser and made the jump to light speed, manually I might add, and still made it back to my own time to prevent my Doppelganger from creating an inter-dimensional rift.

(pause)
Good story, huh?

BOBBI
Very exciting. Where’s our waiter? We need more breadsticks.

HARRISON
So. Is this the first time you’ve ever answered a personal ad?

BOBBI
Yes it is. It’s my first time.

(A WAITER walks by)

BOBBI
Oh! Excuse me. Excuse me! Are you our waiter?

WAITER
(nervously)
Yes, of course I’m your waiter! Why do you want to know? You’re one of them, aren’t you?

BOBBI
One of who?

WAITER
Nothing. I’m sorry. I haven’t slept in three weeks. What can I get for you?

BOBBI
A couple of menus, to start with.

WAITER
Yes! Of course. Menus. I’m sorry. I’ll be back in a moment

(WAITER exits, holding open his eye-lids.)
Must stay awake. Must stay awake.

HARRISON
So. Have I told you about the time I went backward in time to prevent the president from being assassinated?

BOBBI
No.

HARRISON
I didn’t?

BOBBI
What? Oh! I’m sorry. You did, actually. Three times.

HARRISON
Good story, huh?

BOBBI
Very exciting. Are you going to eat those crackers? I’m overeating to compensate for a failed relationship. I’m sorry. Was that too forward? I’m really not attracted to you enough to be that revealing. I’m sorry, was that insulting? I don’t mean to be insulting. It’s just… I’m very dissatisfied with the way this date is going. Of course we haven’t even ordered yet. Maybe I haven’t given you a chance. You might turn out to have a stunning personality but right now, quite frankly, you leave me cold. I’m sorry. I’m being too open.

HARRISON
No. That’s okay. The way you talk. It’s so… rapid. I really only catch every third word or so. What were you saying?

BOBBI
Nothing. I’m sorry. I was just asking for your crackers.

(WAITER returns wearing sunglasses and a trench-coat)

WAITER
(whispering)
Here are your menus. Would you like to hear about our specials?

HARRISON
Who the hell are you?

BOBBI
It’s our waiter.

WAITER
Shut-up! What’re you trying to do? Get me killed?

BOBBI
I beg your pardon.

WAITER
I’m sorry. That was rude. HELLO, AND WELCOME TO CHEZ FERRARA. I’LL BE YOUR WAITER. I EXIST TO SERVE YOU AND MY WILL IS NOT MY OWN. WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR ABOUT OUR SPECIALS? ALL HAIL XORAX!

BOBBI
He’s making me very nervous.

(Three men in black suits appear. The WAITER sees them.)

WAITER
Oh, God. Uh… specials. Let’s see. Orange Roughy in a Dijon sauce with pea pods. PODS? I mean, not pods…

(The BLACK SUITS approach the WAITER)

WAITER
No. Wait. I’m one of you guys. See? Ha, ha! This is a mistake! No! Hail the mighty Xorax! No! Nooooooooo!

(The BLACK SUITS drag the WAITER off-stage)

BLACK SUIT #1
I’m terribly sorry for the inconvenience. Your Orange Roughy will be right up.

BOBBI
Wait. I’m allergic to seafood.

HARRISON
I was afraid of this.

BOBBI
What’s going on?

HARRISON
Aliens. From the planet Xorax.

BOBBI
I thought Xorax was an anti-depressant.

HARRISON
No, no. They’re born in pods. They kidnap people when they’re asleep and replace them with exact replicas that live to do their bidding. So. Are you into hot-tubbing?

BOBBI
You know, this is exactly the kind of nerve-racking situation I was trying to avoid.

(WAITER returns with his eyes glazed over.)

WAITER
Hello. I’m sorry to have kept you waiting. May I take your order now? Or perhaps you’d like to take a nap.

BOBBI
What’s wrong with him?

WAITER
Our special is Orange Roughy in a Dijon sauce. You both look like you could use some shut-eye. All hail mighty Xorax.

HARRISON
You’re not fooling anyone, you stinkin’ alien! YOU HEAR THAT, BOYS? HARRISON BOLT’S BACK IN TOWN AND HE’S GOT A SCORE TO SETTLE WITH SOME INTER-STELLAR FOLIAGE!

(WAITER points at HARRISON and emits
a loud piercing scream.)
You’ll never take me alive, you alien scum!

(The BLACK SUITS run onstage and drag HARRISON off. JERRY, who is disguised as a BLACK SUIT, remains onstage, as does BLACK SUIT #1.)

BLACK SUIT #1
I’ll have your meal to you momentarily. Why don’t you get some rest. You look tired.

(BLACK SUIT #1 exits.)

BOBBI
Wait! Fish makes me break-out.

JERRY
Pssst. Bobbi.

BOBBI
What is it? Who are you? Are you stalking me?

JERRY
(pulling down his
sunglasses)
It’s me!

BOBBI
Jerry!
(suddenly cold)
How’s Kim?

JERRY
She left me. She’s dating Batman now.

BOBBI
I see. I’m sorry to hear that. You must be devastated. So now you’re following me?

JERRY
No! I swear. I’m working undercover. The alien pods from the planet Xorax are trying to take over the planet and I’m being paid to infiltrate their organization.

BOBBI
You’re working undercover? Jerry that’s so… proactive.

JERRY
Well, I’m a temp actually. The regular guy got an acting job, but that’s not the point. The point is after what happened on New Years Eve I decided that I couldn’t just stand by and watch life happen to everyone else. I had to get involved, to throw myself into the fray.

BOBBI
Jerry, I’m sorry that Kim Basinger is dating Batman now but you can’t run to someone else just because you’re lonely. Do you know what I’ve been through the past few weeks? Three bank robberies, two werewolf attacks and I was trapped for twenty-four hours in an old farmhouse by the living dead. I was terrified, and I blame you for that.

JERRY
Me?

BOBBI
Certainly! This kind of stuff has been happening to me my whole life. I was used to it. It just kind of rolled off my back. Then New Years Eve happened and everything changed. It’s getting to the point now where I run for cover every time I see an evil twin or a dinosaur clone, for God’s sake.

JERRY
I’m sorry, Bobbi. I froze. I don’t know what happened…

BOBBI
It wasn’t your fault. I was being pushy. I find desperation so unattractive in other people, I don’t know what made me think it would be attractive on me.

JERRY
Don’t blame yourself. I didn’t even realize how important you were until faced with the possibility of losing you.

(They stare at each other for a bit.)
So, where does that leave us now?

BOBBI
I don’t know, Jerry. Have you read the papers lately? It’s not just pod people, for God’s sake. Another group of aliens has threatened to blow up the White House on the Fourth of July, they found five Adolf Hitler clones in Brazil, a nuclear explosion revived Godzilla and he destroyed Tokyo again, some kid in Hoboken was killing transients and feeding them to his man eating plant, a high school girl went on a psychic rampage and started killing everyone at her prom… It’ s just too much to take sometimes. I mean, I want to have kids eventually but how can I knowingly, willingly bring them into this world?

JERRY
I know. I know. I’ve been thinking about this a lot, and here’s the thing; Who knows when it happened. Maybe it was when the meteor fell, maybe it was all the earthquakes, but something changed. And every morning we wake up and it could be our last day alive. Now, I know that people have been saying that forever but no one has ever really understood it. But now, I think I understand. And we can walk around pretending like none of it is any big deal or we can look it right in the eye and say…hey, we know it’s dangerous. We know it could all end at any moment. So we may as well love. I mean if this is all there is and we’re just expendable lives caught in the power games of malevolent aliens…really, we may as well love.

BOBBI
But the whole thing just seems so risky. Maybe I should just go live in the country somewhere. Become a schoolteacher or something.

JERRY
You think they don’t have problems there too? What about the Triffids? What about the children that live in the corn fields?

BOBBI
Jerry…

JERRY
Look. We don’t have much time. Sooner or later they’re going to notice I’m missing and all hell’s gonna break loose. Kiss me.

BOBBI
I want to kiss you, but it seems like such a commitment.

JERRY
Come on. Leap into the abyss. When you get right down to it, what do you have to lose.

BOBBI
Nothing, I guess. Nothing at all.

(THEY kiss, and continue to do so
throughout the following scene. AGENT SUTHERLAND enters, flanked by two SOLDIERS)

SOLDIER #1
We traced their homing beacon to this restaurant, sir. They must be using it as their base of operations.

SUTHERLAND
Find out who’s in charge, here. I want the alien pod bastard that ate my son.

SOLDIER #1
But sir, shouldn’t we wait for Commander Corman’s orders to…

(SUTHERLAND grabs SOLDIER #1 by the lapels)

SUTHERLAND
Maybe you didn’t hear me, soldier. I gave you an order.

SOLDIER #1
Yes sir. Right away, sir.

(SOLDIER #1 exits as COMMANDER CORMAN enters)

CORMAN
Agent Sutherland. By direct order of President of the United States, I hereby relieve you of your duties as head of Project Blue Book.

SUTHERLAND
How did you find me, Corman?

CORMAN
Your little hooker friend slipped a bug into your collar.

SUTHERLAND
Damn.

(TINA runs onstage)

TINA
THEY’RE COMING! THEY’RE COMING! THIS PLANET WILL BE OURS! ACTIVATE THE PRIME DIRECTIVE! ENACT PLAN NUMBER NINE! THE SYSTEMATIC OVERTHROW THIS WORLD CALLED TERRA!

SUTHERLAND
Tina! What’s happened to you? Look at me!

TINA
TINA IS DEAD! THERE IS ONLY ONE SOUL! ONE CONCIOUSNESS! ALL OF US JOINED FOREVER FOR THE GOOD OF A SINGLE ENTITY!

SUTHERLAND
My God! Her eyes! For the love of heaven! WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO HER EYES?

(HARRISON and the WAITER, locked in
a wrestling match, come tumbling onstage.)

HARRISON
Eat knuckle, alien scum!

WAITER
Aren’t your eyes getting heavy? Don’t you feel like lying down?

SUTHERLAND
My God. I don’t believe it.

TINA
DO NOT RESIST, WITLESS HUMANS!!! JOIN US!!! JOIN US!!!

CORMAN
It’s agent Harrison Bolt! He vanished years ago during a routine space flight!

SUTHERLAND
(to Soldier #2)
Don’t just stand there. Shoot, you idiot!

SOLDIER #2
I can’t get a bead on him, sir!

TINA
UNITY IS PEACE! A SINGLE MIND! A SINGLE SOUL!

(SOLDIER #1 enters)

CORMAN
Don’t just stand there! Shoot, you idiot!

SOLDIER #1
But sir. The pod is…inside me. I’ve been infected…

(Suddenly, SOLDIER #1 points at CORMAN and emits a loud, high pierced shriek, then falls on the ground and begins convulsing)

TINA
BEHOLD THE BIRTH OF THE NEXT EVOLUTIONARY STAGE OF MAN!

(HARRISON finally knocks the WAITER unconscious.)

HARRISON
I’ve got a bad feeling about this…

(a small, green alien leaps out of SOLDIER #1’s stomach.)

TINA
REJOICE! REJOICE! THE CARRIER HAS GIVEN BIRTH! I FEEL THE POWER COURSING THROUGH ME! EARTH IS CONQUERED! EARTH IS OURS!

(TINA grabs the alien baby, presses it to her breast
and exits.

CORMAN
Sutherland! I hereby reinstate you as head of Project Blue Book. Now, let’s hurry before you’re girlfriend and her alien freak-child devour the consciousness of every man and woman on the planet!

SUTHERLAND
Aye, aye, sir!
(SUTHERLAND and SOLDIER #2 carry out the body of SOLDIER #1)

CORMAN
It’s nice to have you back, Agent Bolt.

HARRISON
It’s nice to be back, sir.

(While they’re exiting…)

HARRISON
Did I ever tell you about the time I went back in time to save the president from being assassinated?

CORMAN
(sighs)
Only about a zillion times.

JERRY
So what do you think?

BOBBI
Yes. Why not?

JERRY
And you’re not afraid of us turning into this scary, soulless unit where neither of us has an individual personality?

BOBBI
(Thinks about it)
Nah.

(BLACK SUIT #1 enters, points at BOBBI and screams. The other two BLACK SUITS run onstage toward her. JERRY stands up.)

JERRY
Hold it right there!

(The BLACK SUITS stop dead in their tracks.)

BOBBI
Jerry?

JERRY
Don’t worry. I want to prove that I can take care of you.

BOBBI
Jerry, it’s really not necessary.

BLACK SUIT #1
In the name of Xorax, last planet of the Doohan galaxy, we demand that you accompany us to Sector Nine.

JERRY
Oh you do, huh?

BOBBI
Jerry, this is embarrassing.

JERRY
This isn’t the woman your looking for.

BLACK SUIT #1
(glassy-eyed)
This isn’t the woman we’re looking for.

JERRY
She can go on about her business.

BLACK SUIT #1
She can go on about her business.

JERRY
Move along.

BLACK SUIT #1
Move along. Move along.

(The BLACK SUITS exit)

BOBBI
(obviously impressed)
Wow! Neat trick. “The force”, right?

JERRY
Yeah. I’ve kind of been practicing.

BOBBI
Come here. Kiss me again.

(THEY kiss)

JERRY
Bobbi, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

(THEY kiss again. Music swells.
Slow fade to black. Curtain)