CONVERSATIONS WITH NICK ABOUT HOW BABIES ARE BORN (Warning: Graphic Imagery)

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NICK: Dad?

ME: Yes, Nick.

NICK: You were born inside a butt.

(Really, really, really long pause)

ME: Wait… what?

NICK: You were born inside a butt. Yes, daddy. Yes you were.

ME: What are you talking about?

NICK: *sigh* I meeeeeaaaannnnn, when you were borned, you came out of someone’s butt!

ME: No, I didn’t.

NICK: Yes, you did. Like poo poo.

ME: Oh, my God. This is grossing me out so hard.

NICK: You were, daddy.

ME: People don’t come out of butts like poo poo.

NICK: Yes, daddy. Yes, they do.

ME: No they don’t.

NICK: Yes, daddy. You came out of a butt like poo poo.

ME: Stop saying that! Who told you that?

NICK: Who told me what?

ME: Who told you that babies came out of butts like poo poo?

NICK: The Muppets.

(even longer pause than before)

ME: They did not.

NICK: Yes, daddy.

ME: Which Muppet?

NICK: Huh?

ME: Which Muppet said that babies come from butts?

NICK: Poop Muppet.

ME: There is not a “Poop Muppet.”

NICK: Yes, there is.

ME: No there isn’t! Why would they make a Poop Muppet? Who would watch that?

NICK: There is!

ME: Seriously, who told you that babies came from butts?

NICK: On the animal show. They show babies getting borned. And the babies came out of the other animal’s butt.

ME: Ooooooohhhhhh…

*SOME TIME LATER*

ME: So I guess he saw some show that showed an animal giving birth. And it looked, to him, like it was coming out of the animal’s butt.

ALLISON: You are making this up for your blog.

ME: No, I’m not!

ALLISON: What did you tell him?

ME: I don’t know. I was all flustered. I mumbled something about wombs and vaginas and women and a bunch of other things I don’t understand.

ALLISON: You did better than I would have. I totally would have just told him you came out of a butt.

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