CONVERSATIONS WITH ALLISON ABOUT NICK

 

1.

ME: Has Nick had breakfast?

ALLISON: He sat in a bowl of fruit. Does that count?

2.

ME: (cheerfully) Hey, Al! Come here!

AL: What’s up?

ME: I just cut my finger.

AL: Why are you whispering?

ME: I don’t want to scare Nick. I was cutting a block of cheese and I cut my finger. My God.

AL: How bad is it?

ME: I don’t know. Really bad. Ow.

NICK: You okay dad?

ME: YES! I’M FINE! NO NEED TO WORRY!

AL: Okay. Is your finger still there?

ME: (checking) Yes.

AL: Do you need stitches?

ME: No. I think it’s too jagged and flappy. (cough, cough)

AL: Why are you coughing?

ME: Because the cheese had cayenne pepper in it and I think when I cut it, I also inhaled some of the cayenne pepper. (cough, cough)

AL: Okay. Well I have more bad news.

ME: What?

AL: The only band-aids in the house have Spider-man or Dinosaur Train on them.

3.

ALLISON: Nick! Did you just throw that shoe at daddy?

NICK: I’m sorry.

ALLISON: We do not throw things! We have talked about this many times, young man!

NICK: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

ALLISON: Apologize to daddy.

NICK: I’m sorry can I go outside now?

ALLISON: You cannot go outside. You’re in time out.

NICK: BUT I WANT TO GO OUTSIDE! I DON’T WANT TO BE IN TIME OUT!

ALLISON: You should have thought about that before you threw a shoe at daddy.

NICK: DADDYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!

ME: Sorry, buddy. We don’t throw things at people. You’ve got to learn to control yourself.

NICK: BUT I WANT TO GO OUTSIDE! I WANT TO GO OUTSIDE!!!!!! IT’S GONNA BE NIGHT TIME AND I GONNA MISS IT!!! WE NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO DO ANYTHING BECAUSE I’M IN TIME OUT AND THEN IT’S GONNA BE DARK AND I’LL HAVE TO GO TO BED! LOOK! LOOK! IT’S GETTING DARK! OH NO! IT’S GETTING DARK!

ME: (to AL) You okay?

ALLISON: I am not. I am not okay.

ME: You have those big crazy eyes you get when he’s been acting up all day.

NICK: I WANT TO GO OUTSIDE! I WANT TO GO OUTSIDE! I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE! I! GOT! TO! GET! OUT! OF! THIS! HOUSE!

ALLISON: I gotta get outta this house.

NICK: I GOTTA GET OUTTA THIS HOUSE!

ALLISON: I gotta get outta this house.

NICK: I GOTTA GET OUTTA THIS HOUSE!

ALLISON: I gotta get outta this house.

NICK: I GOTTA GET OUTTA THIS HOUSE!

ME: It’s possible all three of us are losing our minds.

ALLISON: He was like this after school, he was like this during his check-up…

ME: Oh, right! How did that go?

NICK: I GOTTA GET OUTTA THIS HOUSE!

ALLISON: He’s in the 98th percentile for weight, the 99th percentile for height and the 128th percentile in mother effing crazy!