CONVERSATIONS WITH NICK ABOUT MODERN MEDICINE

 

NICK: I’m Dr. Nicholas. What’s your name, sir?

ME: David White.

NICK: Hello, Mr. David White. Before I examine you, I have to take off my pretend shoes and my shirt because my tummy is very hot.

ME: Okay.

NICK: What seems to be the trouble today?

ME: Oh…well… I think I have problem with my stomach. My stomach hurts.

NICK: This is my dog, Jessie. I’m gonna look in her mouth. Say “Ah,” Jessie. Oh, I see. The problem is, Jessie has two tongues.

ME: Two tongues?

NICK: Yes. One in the front and one in her back-throat. What seems to be the trouble today?

ME: Well, like I said, my stomach hurts.

NICK: Hmmmm… Do you have a crane at home?

ME: A crane? Like a great big crane?

NICK: Yes.

ME: You think it might be making my stomach hurt?

NICK: No. Someone left a crane in my office last time and I wanted to see if you left the crane.

ME: Oh. No, my crane is still at home.

NICK: I see. What seems to be the trouble?

ME: My stomach hurts.

NICK: Hold on. I have to go get my tools. (Leaves for a moment, comes back with toy power drill)

ME: Oh, my God. What are you going to do with that?

NICK: Say “Ah.”

ME: AAAAAHHHHHHH… Um… don’t actually stick that in my mouth, okay Nick?

NICK: I’m not! Okay. I see the problem. Let me feel your tummy.

ME: Okay.

NICK: I see the problem. The problem is, you’ve got a small rubber tire.

ME: A rubber tire?

NICK: Yes, Mr. White. It’s around your tummy.

ME: What do I do about it?

NICK: Just sit down and relax and wait for it to die.

ME: Thank you, Doctor.