Today is my wife’s birthday. She’s an amazing person, a wonderful wife and a crackerjack mom. I bought her some nice things. One of them was this bag of cosmetics. I hope she likes it. Here’s how I wound up buying it…
AT THE OXFORD VALLEY MALL in Langhorne, PA
HER: Hello. Can I show you somezing?
HER: Are you Italian? You have Italian ice.
ME: Italian ice?
HER: I am sorry for my accent. Eyezzz. Eyezzz. What is your name?
HER: Hello, Dabid. My name is Lee (hocking sound) shelay (smaller hocking sound) Say it, can you?
ME: Lee (hocking sound) shelay (louder hocking sound)
HER: YOU ARE FUNNY, DABID! You have beautiful ice. Can I show you zomezing?
ME: I’m kind of busy…what do you want to show me?
HER: Come here.
ME: Why are you holding my hand? Oh, my God. This is the thing. This is the thing where you take me to your kiosk in the middle of the mall and try to sell me some weird cosmetics.
HER: You don’t have to buy. Don’t buy. Don’t buy nossing. Just smell.
ME: Really, I don’t want to – okay, that does smell nice.
HER: I put them in your bag.
ME: Don’t give me samples. Really. I’m not going to buy anything from you.
HER: I don’t want you to buy. I want to show you somezing.
ME: You’re still holding my hand. Am I under arrest?
HER: You are funny, Dabid. This is pumice. Look, see? I rub your fingernail with the blue side, now the white side,
ME: What are you doing to me?
HER: Now, ze grey side. Now look. It will be a surprise.
ME: Honestly, I’m not going to buy anything from you so hey that really made my fingernail shiny!
HER: Yez, you see?
ME: That’s like witchcraft. What did you do?
HER: I rub, rub, rub it. Now I put this lotion on your dry cuticles.
ME: My cuticles are fine. Really. I don’t need anything on my…oh, it’s tingling.
HER: What do you have in ze bag? Is it for a special woman?
ME: My wife, actually. It’s her birthday.
HER: SHE IS SUCH A LUCKY WOMAN!
ME: She really is.
HER: HAHAHAHAHA! YOU ARE SO FUNNY!
ME: Thank you. So…how much is the shiny fingernail thing. She might actually like that.
HER: It comes in ze kit with the cuticle oil and the bath scent.
ME: Oh, okay. Well before we go any further, how much is the whole thing?
HER: Just wait.
ME: No, no. Tell me how much it is.
HER: Smell zis.
ME: I don’t want to smell…hey that smells nice.
HER: Do you like zat better or zis?
ME: I don’t smell that second one at all.
HER: BECAUSE IT IZ TOO SUBTLE FOR YOU! YOU LIKE ZE BIG SEXY SMELL! YOU ARE ZEXY!
HER: Zis is shower scent you can put on each other when you take a big “Ooo la la” shower.
ME: I’m sorry. A big what?
HER: A big “ooo la la” shower.
ME: This actually does look nice. But seriously, how much is it?
HER: Twenty-nine, ninety-nine.
ME: Okay. That’s not bad. I’ll buy that.
HER: Give me your wrist.
ME: No, no…come one.
HER: I’M GOING TO RUB ZIS SALT LOTION ON YOUR WRIZT!
ME: I’m not going to buy it.
HER: You don’t buy. You don’t buy! See how I rub it on your wrist?
ME: What’s all that lumpy stuff?
HER: Dead skin. Zis exfoliates dead skin.
ME: Is this in the bag I just bought?
HER: Zis goes along with ze bag for an extra.
ME: So no, then. It’s not included.
HER: It takes off dead skin. It’s from ze dead sea. I am from Israel. Have you ever been to Israel?
ME: (pause) Sure.
HER: So you know ze dead sea?
ME: Every summer. It’s like Disneyworld to me.
HER: HAHAHAHAHA! YOU ARE SO FUNNY, DABID! Can you keep a secret?
HER: Really. Can you keep a secret?
ME: I can’t at all.
HER: Keep a secret.
ME: I need to just pay for this and go. Are you still holding my credit card? Give me back my credit card.
HER: Listen. Here is my secret. Ze man who waz just here? Look at zis receipt. Zis is how much he paid.
ME: Holy shit. Four hundred and twenty-four dollars???? He did look really sad as he was leaving. Did he actually want to buy all that stuff or did you throw pixie dust on him?*
HER: Zat is how much he paid. Do you know how much I’m going to give you ze bag and the dead sea salt for?
ME: Only three hundred fifty dollars?
HER: NO! Fifty dollars.
ME: That is definitely a better deal. I don’t know…
HER: Dabid, hold zis exfoliating salts. Now shake it.
ME: I don’t want to shake it.
HER: Shake it, Dabid.
ME: Look, I really just want to pay…
HER: SHAKE IT, DABID!
ME: I’M GOING TO SHAKE IT ON TOP OF YOUR HEAD!
HER: HAHAHAHA YOU ARE ZO FUNNY, DABID!
ME: Okay. You’re very good. You’re very good at this. Please just give me back my credit card. I’m not going to buy anything else.
HER: You no buy nothing. Look at zis. I want to show you zomething.
ME: No! I’m sure it’s totally wonderful and perfect. But I need to get away from you and your black magic for a minute and then if I want to come back I’ll come back.
HER: I want to show you one thing.
HER: You have blackheads under your ice, Dabid.
ME: I DO NOT!
HER: Yes, Dabid. Black heads.
ME: Well, cast a spell and make them go away, sorceress!
HER: YOU ARE FUNNIEST MAN I MEET TODAY, DABID!
ME: I AM BEGGING YOU TO LET ME GO!
HER: Your wife will love zis. She is special? You love her?
ME: Yes. I’m going to go home and give her shiny fingernails and soften her cuticles for fifty dollars. You have broken me. Please give me my credit card and let me go.
HER: Okay, Dabid. I will see you. Come back again, Dabid. You have nice Italian ice.
ME: And you are the wickedest, most impressive sales person I have ever seen in my life and I hate you.
*The man really did look sad. I’m not making that up. He was old and looked sad.