CONVERSATIONS WITH NICK ABOUT HOW HE HAS TO WASH HIS &*%$#$% HAIR

NICK: Dad?

ME: Yes.

NICK: Do I have to wash my hair?

ME: Yes.

NICK: I don’t want to.

ME: You have to.

NICK: Why?

ME: Because I should have washed it days ago but I wasn’t emotionally prepared and now it smells funny.

NICK: Okay, but can you do a puppet show?

ME: What?

NICK: Do a puppet show with my toys. Pleeeeeease…

ME: If I do a puppet show, will you let me wash your hair without complaining?

NICK: Uh-huh.

ME: Really?

NICK: Uh-huh.

ME: (sigh) Okay. (Grabs rubber duck – talks in high voice) “Hi, Nick! I’m a duck!”

NICK: No dad. The two frogs.

ME: Right. Okay. (Puts on the two hand puppets that look like frogs but are also wash clothes and were made by some mad genius) “Hello, Nick!” “Hello, Nick!” “I’m Freddy Frog!” “And I’m Gretchen Frog!” “Are you gonna wash your hair tonight?”

NICK: No.

ME: “But Nick, you have to! Right Gretchen?” “Right Freddy!” “Your dad is gonna wash your hair and you should cooperate because of all the toys he buys you!”

NICK: I’m not going to.

ME: “Okay, Nick! Then I’m just gonna get my whole body wet, like this, and get your hair wet – ”

NICK: Dad! Wait! Dad! I need a towel for my eyes! For my eyes!

ME: Okay, okay. Here.

NICK: I NEED A BIGGER TOWEL!

ME: Okay, okay.

NICK: Dad? Can you not put soap in it?

ME: I have to use soap, Nick. That’s what washing your hair means.

NICK: Okay. Okay. But can you not dump water on my head? Can you just use a towel to get out the soap?

ME: You already have the towel.

NICK: CAN YOU GET ANOTHER TOWEL?

ME: Hold on. (Leaves bathroom to get another towel)

NICK: DADDY WHERE DID YOU GO?

ME: I’m getting another towel!

NICK: I can’t see you!

ME: Take the towel off your eyes!

NICK: I’ll get soap in my eyes!

ME: I haven’t put soap on your head yet!

NICK: OKAY!

ME: Here’s another towel. Now I have to put the shampoo on.

NICK: ARE YOU DONE YET?

ME: I haven’t even started yet.

NICK: Okay. Hurry. Hurry.JUST PUT ON A LITTLE BIT!

ME: I just have to scrub a little bit, Nick.

NICK: IT’S IN MY EARS! I GOT SOAP IN MY EARS!

ME: I’ll clean it out, okay? I’ll clean it out.

NICK: NOW IT’S IN MY EYES, DAD! I NEED A TOWEL!

ME: YOU HAVE A TOWEL!

NICK: I NEED A DRY TOWEL!

ME: HOLD ON! (Leaves bathroom to get a dry towel)

NICK: DADDY! WHERE DID YOU GO?

ME: I’m getting you a towel!

NICK: I HAVE SOAP IN MY EYES!

ME: Here. Here’s a towel.

NICK: Are you done?

ME: No. I have to rinse the soap out of your hair.

NICK: NO!

ME: Nick, you can’t just go to bed with soap in your hair.

NICK: I WANT TO!

ME: Just let me rinse it. It will just take a second.

NICK: Okay. Okay. Hurry.

ME: Here we go…

NICK: DADDY! I NEED A TOWEL!

ME: YOU HAVE THREE TOWELS! WIPE YOUR EYES WITH ONE OF THOSE TOWELS!

NICK: IT’S WET, DAD! IT’S WET!

ME: I just need to rinse one more time.

NICK: NO, DAD!

ME: I HAVE TO!

NICK: DADDY, DADDY, DADDY!!!! (spit, sputter, cough, choke) IT’S IN MY MOUTH! I’M GONNA GET DEAD! IT’S GONNA MAKE ME GET DEAD!

ME: Oh, stop it.

NICK: PLEAH! PLEAH! PLEAH!

ME: Here. Wipe your eyes again.

NICK: Dad?

ME: Yes.

NICK: I don’t like washing my hair.

ME: Really? Because I freaking LOVE IT!