CONVERSATIONS WITH NICK IN THE CAR

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NICK: Dad?

ME: Yes.

NICK: Does everyone have a butt?

ME: Yes.

NICK: No, dad.

ME: Yes. I’m completely sure that everyone has a butt. Everyone is born with a butt.

NICK: No, dad. Not everyone has a butt.

ME: Yes they do.

NICK: Some people don’t have a butt and they poop out their penis.

ME: That’s absolutely not true. You can’t poop out your penis and everyone has a butt.

NICK: Dad?

ME: Yes.

NICK: Are you speeding?

ME: I’m going three miles over the speed limit.

NICK: If your car breaks down and the police come I will jump out of the car and run to gramma’s as fast as a cheetah.

ME: Okay.

NICK: Look at all those geese!

ME: Wow. That is a lot of geese.

NICK: There are ten.

ME: Oh, there are way more than ten geese there.

NICK: No, dad. There are ten.

ME: More than ten. Like fifty.

NICK: NO, DAD THERE’S ONLY ONE GEESE! ONE AND ONE HALF AND ONE QUARTER!

ME: Yep.

NICK: Dad, I’m gonna tell a joke.

ME: Go for it.

NICK: WATER CHIMP!

ME: What does that mean?

NICK: Water chimp.

ME: What’s a water chimp?

NICK: It’s a joke I made up.

ME: Like…is it a monkey that swims?

NICK: It’s just water chimp.

ME: I don’t get it.

NICK: It’s a joke.

ME: How is it a joke? How is water chimp a joke. Is that what you’re saying? “Water chimp?”

NICK: Dad.

ME: Yes?

NICK: See that building?

ME: The one right in front of us?

NICK: Yes. Where is that building?

ME: It’s right in front of us.

NICK: Is it in New Jersey?

ME: Yes. We’re in New Jersey so the building is in New Jersey.

NICK: Right now?

ME: Yes.

NICK: Is it on the Atlantic ocean?

ME: No.

NICK: Why?

ME: Because we’re not on the ocean right now and that building is right here and right here is not near the ocean.

NICK: Dad?

ME: Yes.

NICK: Do you always have a butt?

ME: Yes. Always.

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