NICK: Dad?
ME: Yes.
NICK: Can I sit on your lap before I take my bath? It’s kind of serious.
ME: Sure. What’s up?
NICK: There was a new girl in school today and know what? She doesn’t like me.
ME: What’s her name?
NICK: Nan.
ME: How do you know she doesn’t like you?
NICK: I don’t know.
ME: Did you talk to her?
NICK: Yeah. But you know what? Donald came up with an ingenious plan.
ME: What was that?
NICK: He said that he was gonna marry Claire instead of me.
ME: What about Nan?
NICK: She thinks Claire is my girlfriend.
ME: So Donald said he was gonna marry Claire so Nan wouldn’t think she was your girlfriend?
NICK: Yeah. Donald is a genius!
ME: So now is Nan your girlfriend?
NICK: No. Kerry is.
ME: Who’s Kerry?
NICK: My girlfriend. But Nan doesn’t know I’m gonna marry Kerry ’cause know what? When she looks at me I say to Kerry “Duck!” and she ducks.
ME: So why don’t you think Nan likes you?
NICK: I don’t know. Dad?
ME: Yes.
NICK: SHE BETTER NOT DRIVE OVER TO OUR HOUSE WITH THAT STINKY CAR!
ME: Who?
NICK: The new girl.
ME: Nan.
NICK: Yeah.
ME: How do you know she has a stinky car?
NICK: She told me. Her car smells all stinky.
ME: So you had a conversation with her about how her car smells?
NICK: Yeah. AND IF SHE COMES OVER TO MY HOUSE WITH THAT STINKY CAR I GONNA TELL HER I’LL THROW HER IN A VOLCANO IN ICELAND.
ME: Okay. Or what you could do is invite her to share your toys or something.
NICK: Dad?
ME: Yes.
NICK: I don’t want to take a bath. I want to lie on the floor and think about her.
ME: Listen…here’s what I think you should do. Tomorrow, just go to school and be nice to her. Ask her to sit by you. Share your toys.
NICK: What if girls don’t like me?
ME: You will meet girls that will like you. If Nan doesn’t like you, you will meet someone else. But if Nan is new, maybe she’s just shy. I would just be nice to her and see what happens.*
NICK: BUT IF SHE COMES TO T-BALL SHE MIGHT HIT ME WITH A BAT!
ME: Is she signed up for t-ball?
NICK: I DON’T KNOW BUT SHE PROBLY DOESN’T EVEN KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT IT!
ME: I wouldn’t worry too much about T-ball yet.
NICK: I THINK SHE WANTS TO MARRY ME BUT HER CAR IS STINKY!
ME: She wants to marry you? I thought she didn’t like you.
NICK: I’M EMBARRASSED!
ME: Oh, listen… there’s nothing to be embarrassed about. Seriously.
NICK: Okay. I think I’m ready for my bath now.
ME: Okay.
*I have omitted a great deal of nonsensical stammering from this particular piece of advice.
David Lee White 