CONVERSATIONS WITH NICK ABOUT THE NEW GIRL

2014-10-31 19.55.04

NICK: Dad?

ME: Yes.

NICK: Can I sit on your lap before I take my bath? It’s kind of serious.

ME: Sure. What’s up?

NICK: There was a new girl in school today and know what? She doesn’t like me.

ME: What’s her name?

NICK: Nan.

ME: How do you know she doesn’t like you?

NICK: I don’t know.

ME: Did you talk to her?

NICK: Yeah. But you know what? Donald came up with an ingenious plan.

ME: What was that?

NICK: He said that he was gonna marry Claire instead of me.

ME: What about Nan?

NICK: She thinks Claire is my girlfriend.

ME: So Donald said he was gonna marry Claire so Nan wouldn’t think she was your girlfriend?

NICK: Yeah. Donald is a genius!

ME: So now is Nan your girlfriend?

NICK: No. Kerry is.

ME: Who’s Kerry?

NICK: My girlfriend. But Nan doesn’t know I’m gonna marry Kerry ’cause know what? When she looks at me I say to Kerry “Duck!” and she ducks.

ME: So why don’t you think Nan likes you?

NICK: I don’t know. Dad?

ME: Yes.

NICK: SHE BETTER NOT DRIVE OVER TO OUR HOUSE WITH THAT STINKY CAR!

ME: Who?

NICK: The new girl.

ME: Nan.

NICK: Yeah.

ME: How do you know she has a stinky car?

NICK: She told me. Her car smells all stinky.

ME: So you had a conversation with her about how her car smells?

NICK: Yeah. AND IF SHE COMES OVER TO MY HOUSE WITH THAT STINKY CAR I GONNA TELL HER I’LL THROW HER IN A VOLCANO IN ICELAND.

ME: Okay. Or what you could do is invite her to share your toys or something.

NICK: Dad?

ME: Yes.

NICK: I don’t want to take a bath. I want to lie on the floor and think about her.

ME: Listen…here’s what I think you should do. Tomorrow, just go to school and be nice to her. Ask her to sit by you. Share your toys.

NICK: What if girls don’t like me?

ME: You will meet girls that will like you. If Nan doesn’t like you, you will meet someone else. But if Nan is new, maybe she’s just shy. I would just be nice to her and see what happens.*

NICK: BUT IF SHE COMES TO T-BALL SHE MIGHT HIT ME WITH A BAT!

ME: Is she signed up for t-ball?

NICK: I DON’T KNOW BUT SHE PROBLY DOESN’T EVEN KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT IT!

ME: I wouldn’t worry too much about T-ball yet.

NICK: I THINK SHE WANTS TO MARRY ME BUT HER CAR IS STINKY!

ME: She wants to marry you? I thought she didn’t like you.

NICK: I’M EMBARRASSED!

ME: Oh, listen… there’s nothing to be embarrassed about. Seriously.

NICK: Okay. I think I’m ready for my bath now.

ME: Okay.

*I have omitted a great deal of nonsensical stammering from this particular piece of advice.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s