CONVERSATIONS WITH NICK ABOUT HOW GREAT KINDER-CAMP WAS

ALLISON: Hey, dad. Welcome home!

ME: Hey, does Nick want to go out to dinner or something? I just…I know the first day was probably tough so I thought…

ALLISON: Nick! Daddy’s home!

NICK: DAD! DAD! DAD!

ALLISON: Tell daddy how your first day at Kindergarten camp went.

NICK: I’M A ROCK STAR!

ME: Oh, wow! Okay…tell me everything. I want to know everything you did, right from the beginning.

ALLISON: So, you went into the classroom with your teacher, and then what happened?

NICK: She told us the rules.

ME: Good. Good! And what were the rules?

NICK: Respect.

ME: Respect is important. Respect what?

NICK: Respect…the penis.

ME: I’m sorry, what?

NICK: RESPECT THE PENIS, DAD! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

ME: Oh, okay. She didn’t actually say that, then.

ALLISON: No.

ME: So seriously, Nick. What was the rule? Respect what?

NICK: RESPECT THE BUTT! THE BUTT AND THE PENIS AND THE BUTT AND THE PENIS AND THE EYEBALL! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

ME: Okay, so he’s over the wall.

ALLISON: He had a really good day.

ME: What did she say to respect, buddy?

ALLISON: Why would you ask him a third time?

NICK: BUTT AND PENIS AND BUTT AND PENIS…

ME: Okay, okay… that’s enough. So then you went over the rules. What happened after that?

NICK: Then we had a fire drill.

ME: Oh, that’s interesting. Tell me about the fire drill.

NICK: THEY LIT A MATCH AND THE FIRE DEPARTMENT CAME AND THE TRUCK WENT “WEE-NORE, WEE-NORE, WEE-NORE!” AND THE TEACHER SAID “OH NO THERE’S A FIRE!” AND THEN THEY COULDN’T PUT OUT THE FIRE AND THEY LOCKED THE DOOR AND WE WERE ALL TRAPPED IN THE FIRE AND WE COULDN’T GET OUT AND IT ALL BURNED DOWN AND WE DIED!

ME: Yes, but what happened after that?

NICK: Then we had a snack.

ME: Good. You had a snack. Later you ate lunch. How was that?

NICK: One boy…you know what dad? He had fake food.

ME: Fake food?

NICK: It wasn’t real. But he ate it! He ate the fake food! And he had a fake knife and it cut his neck off!

ME: We’re never going to really find out how today went, are we?

ALLISON: Okay, Nick tell dad who you saw at recess.

NICK: Ellen.

ME: Ellen from T-ball? That’s cool.

NICK: AND SHE GAVE ME A HUG AND KISSED ME!

ME: She kissed you?

NICK: YEAH!

ALLISON: So that happened.

NICK: Can I go play?

ME: Yeah, go ahead.

ALLISON: Dinner is in five minutes.

ME: So let me get this straight…

ALLISON: Yes?

ME: On his very first day…

ALLISON: Yeah?

ME: He got a kiss from a girl. On his first day…in a public school…he kissed a girl.

ALLISON: Yep.

ME: You know how many times I kissed a girl in school between kindergarten and twelfth grade?

ALLISON: None?

ME: That is correct. And he kissed a girl his first day of Kindergarten.

ALLISON: Yep.

ME: I have no idea how the world is supposed to work anymore.