Conversations with Nick about what he’d rather do

Nick is seven now. He talks about different things than he did when he was five. Kind of.

NICK: Dad?

ME: Yes.

NICK: Let’s play “Would You Rather.”

ME: Okay. Would you rather be ten feet tall or one inch tall?

NICK: Ten feet tall. My turn.

ME: Go.

NICK: Would you rather be a gangster that dresses all fancy or a sad, lonely orphan?

ME: Oh, my God, Nick!

NICK: What?

ME: That’s awful!

NICK: I WOULD BE A GANGSTER!

ME: First of all, the question is for me so you don’t get to choose. I would be an orphan.

NICK: What? Why?

ME: Because I assume when you say gangster, you mean someone that, like, commits crimes and stuff.

NICK: Yes. AND HE DRESSES ALL FANCY!

ME: I’m not gonna be a criminal. I would seriously rather be an orphan.

NICK: But how would you get food?

ME: “Orphan” doesn’t mean you don’t get to eat. It just means you don’t have parents. You can still get food.

NICK: How?

ME: I don’t know. There are programs.

NICK: What if the gangster didn’t kill anyone but just robbed banks.

ME: No, Nick! Robbing banks is still bad! It’s all violence!

NICK: What if he broke into houses?

ME: No!

NICK: WHAT IF HE WAS A TISSUE ROBBER?

ME: What is that?

NICK: WHAT IF HE ONLY ROBBED TISSUES?

ME: Like…Kleenex?

NICK: Yes.

ME: And that’s all he took?

NICK: Yes.

ME: He broke into peoples’ houses and stole tissues.

NICK: Yes.

ME: Maybe that would be okay.

NICK: THAT WOULD BE BETTER THAN A LONLEY ORPHAN WHO DIDN’T HAVE ANYTHING BUT A DRUM STICK!

ME: Where did the drum stick come from?

NICK: The orphan has it!

ME: How did the orphan get a drum stick?

NICK: I don’t know! Your turn!

ME: Okay. Would you rather live in a really long but short house or a really thin but tall house?

NICK: Tall and thin house. My turn.

ME: Go.

NICK: Would you rather a lonely orphan who is naked and has a drum stick or a sad man that walks at the end of a lake?

ME: What does that even mean?

NICK: HE WALKS AT THE END OF A LAKE!

ME: Like…in the lake or next to the lake?

NICK: In it! And he’s sad!

ME: Why?

NICK: Doesn’t matter! Would you rather be him or the naked orphan with a drum stick?

ME: Since when did the orphan get naked? Is this the same orphan?

NICK: Yes!

ME: Is the man at the end of the lake, like…drowning in the lake?

NICK: Yes!

ME: WHERE ARE YOU GETTING THIS?

NICK: MAKE A CHOICE!

ME: I’D RATHER BE THE ORPHAN SO I DON’T DROWN!

NICK: BUT YOU WOULD BE NAKED!

ME: THAT’S OKAY! I WOULDN’T DROWN! PLUS, FOR SOME STRANGE REASON, I’D HAVE A DRUM STICK!