Nick is seven now. He talks about different things than he did when he was five. Kind of.
NICK: Let’s play “Would You Rather.”
ME: Okay. Would you rather be ten feet tall or one inch tall?
NICK: Ten feet tall. My turn.
NICK: Would you rather be a gangster that dresses all fancy or a sad, lonely orphan?
ME: Oh, my God, Nick!
ME: That’s awful!
NICK: I WOULD BE A GANGSTER!
ME: First of all, the question is for me so you don’t get to choose. I would be an orphan.
NICK: What? Why?
ME: Because I assume when you say gangster, you mean someone that, like, commits crimes and stuff.
NICK: Yes. AND HE DRESSES ALL FANCY!
ME: I’m not gonna be a criminal. I would seriously rather be an orphan.
NICK: But how would you get food?
ME: “Orphan” doesn’t mean you don’t get to eat. It just means you don’t have parents. You can still get food.
ME: I don’t know. There are programs.
NICK: What if the gangster didn’t kill anyone but just robbed banks.
ME: No, Nick! Robbing banks is still bad! It’s all violence!
NICK: What if he broke into houses?
NICK: WHAT IF HE WAS A TISSUE ROBBER?
ME: What is that?
NICK: WHAT IF HE ONLY ROBBED TISSUES?
ME: And that’s all he took?
ME: He broke into peoples’ houses and stole tissues.
ME: Maybe that would be okay.
NICK: THAT WOULD BE BETTER THAN A LONLEY ORPHAN WHO DIDN’T HAVE ANYTHING BUT A DRUM STICK!
ME: Where did the drum stick come from?
NICK: The orphan has it!
ME: How did the orphan get a drum stick?
NICK: I don’t know! Your turn!
ME: Okay. Would you rather live in a really long but short house or a really thin but tall house?
NICK: Tall and thin house. My turn.
NICK: Would you rather a lonely orphan who is naked and has a drum stick or a sad man that walks at the end of a lake?
ME: What does that even mean?
NICK: HE WALKS AT THE END OF A LAKE!
ME: Like…in the lake or next to the lake?
NICK: In it! And he’s sad!
NICK: Doesn’t matter! Would you rather be him or the naked orphan with a drum stick?
ME: Since when did the orphan get naked? Is this the same orphan?
ME: Is the man at the end of the lake, like…drowning in the lake?
ME: WHERE ARE YOU GETTING THIS?
NICK: MAKE A CHOICE!
ME: I’D RATHER BE THE ORPHAN SO I DON’T DROWN!
NICK: BUT YOU WOULD BE NAKED!
ME: THAT’S OKAY! I WOULDN’T DROWN! PLUS, FOR SOME STRANGE REASON, I’D HAVE A DRUM STICK!