NICK: Daddy. Play Hide and Seek with me.
ME: You’re in the bathtub.
NICK: Play, daddy.
ME: You realize that you can’t actually leave the bathtub while we play. You have to hide somewhere in the bathtub.
NICK: Pretend, dad. Close the shower curtain and pretend to look for me.
ME: Okay. One…two…three…four…five…six…seven…eight…niiiiiiine…TEN! Read or not here I come! Oh, look you’re in the bathtub.
NICK: NO! Walk around and say “Where is Nick? I don’t know where he is! Where is Nick.”
ME: Okay. “Where is Nick? I can’t find Nick!”
NICK: Now pick up my toys and say “Are you Nick? No you are not Nick! You’re a toy!”
ME: Hello, little army man. Are you Nick?
NICK: Make him talk, daddy. Make him say “I am not Nick. I don’t know where Nick is. He’s hiding!”
ME:” I am not Nick! I am an army man! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go fight some insurgents!”
NICK: Now pick up all my toys and say “Where is Nick?”
ME: Which toys?
NICK: All of them.
ME: Nick…you have, like, a million toys in the bathroom. You want me to ask them all where you are?
NICK: Pretend, daddy.
ME: But I know where you are. You’re in the bathtub.
NICK: Pretend you don’t know. Pick up Spider-man and say “Where is Nick?” then go put him in my bed and stay in my room and look for me.
ME: But you’re not in your room.
NICK: Pretend. Look for me and say “Nick? Are you in your room?”
ME: You won’t even be able to hear me.
NICK: Do it, dad. Play.
ME: Okay. “Spider-man, have you seen Nick? Come with me to his room. Okay… HERE I AM IN NICK’S ROOM! I DON’T SEE HIM ANYWHERE! I’D CHECK THE BATHTUB BUT I KNOW HE’S NOT IN THERE!”
NICK: COME BACK, DAD!
NICK: Okay, now take Spider-man and put him in my bed and say “Where is Nick?” And then he wakes up and it’s morning and he has breakfast. But it’s Christmas and you can’t find me. But pretend to be mommy.
ME: Oh look. I found you in the bathtub.
NICK: NO! Do what I just said. Do the game I just said.
ME: I have no idea what you just said. Tell me again.
NICK: UUUUGGGGHHHH! Take Spider-man and say “Where’s Nick?” And make Spider-man say “I’m not Nick” and then you say “Then you have to go to bed!” And then be mommy and put Spider-man to bed and then say “You’re not Nick! Santa Claus is not gonna bring you anything!” and then Spider-man says “Waaaaa! Waaaaa!” and then you say “Okay! Where is Nick!” And then it’s morning and you’re mommy and you say “Wake up, Nick! Wake up, Nick!” and then you get up and eat something. Do it, daddy.
ME: Nick…oh, my God. I have no idea what you want me to do!
NICK: OH, MAN, OH MAN! I’M NEVER EVER GONNA GET TO PLAY THIS GAME IN MY WHOLE LIFE!!!!