CONVERSATIONS WITH NICK ABOUT THE RETURN OF BILLY AND BILLY TWO

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For new readers – Billy and Billy 2 are Nick’s creations. They’ve been around a few years now. Nick blames everything on them.  We don’t like Billy and Billy 2 because when they’re around, they make Nick say bad words and throw temper tantrums. Basically, Billy and Billy 2 are imaginary a-holes.

NICK: MOM! DAD! BILLY AND BILLY 2 ARE IN THE HOUSE!

ALLISON: Tell them to go home.

NICK: Why?

ALLISON: Because it’s dinner time and besides, Billy and Billy 2 aren’t allowed in the house.

NICK: I have to go find them!

ME: No. Eat your chili.

NICK: HOW DID THEY GET IN, DAD?

ME: Did you turn on the sign that says “Billy and Billy 2 are not allowed in the house?”

NICK: I forgot.

ME: Then that’s probably why they came in.

NICK: HOW ARE WE GONNA GET THEM OUT OF THE HOUSE?

ME: Maybe you should set a Billy trap.

NICK: Yeah! I’m gonna set a sticky trap. And they will stick to it. And then we can shoot them!

ME: We’re not shooting anybody.

NICK: Then what, dad?

ME: We’ll put them outside.

NICK: AND THEN WE WILL SHOOT THEM!

ME: No. Then they will be outside and we can eat in peace.

NICK: I KNOW! WE WILL LET BEES COME AND STING THEM AND COVER THEIR BODIES AND STING THEM!

ME: Oh, look. I just told Billy and Billy 2 they have to leave. So they’re not in the house anymore. Eat your dinner.

NICK: Okay. (long pause) DAD! BILLY AND BILLY 2 CAME IN THROUGH THE WINDOW!

ME: I threw them out again.

NICK: BUT THEN THEY BROKE IN WITH A KEY!

ME: Tell them they have to leave.

NICK: THEY’RE THROWING ALL THE CHILI EVERYWHERE! IT’S ALL OVER THE FLOOR!

ALLISON: I don’t like Billy OR Billy 2.

ME: Oh, look! There they go. I see them outside. Billy and Billy 2 are gone. They can’t come back in the house tonight. Okay?

NICK: Okay.

ME: Good.

NICK: Oh, no dad! Billy and Billy 2 built robots and left them in the house!

 

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