For new readers – Billy and Billy 2 are Nick’s creations. They’ve been around a few years now. Nick blames everything on them. We don’t like Billy and Billy 2 because when they’re around, they make Nick say bad words and throw temper tantrums. Basically, Billy and Billy 2 are imaginary a-holes.
NICK: MOM! DAD! BILLY AND BILLY 2 ARE IN THE HOUSE!
ALLISON: Tell them to go home.
NICK: Why?
ALLISON: Because it’s dinner time and besides, Billy and Billy 2 aren’t allowed in the house.
NICK: I have to go find them!
ME: No. Eat your chili.
NICK: HOW DID THEY GET IN, DAD?
ME: Did you turn on the sign that says “Billy and Billy 2 are not allowed in the house?”
NICK: I forgot.
ME: Then that’s probably why they came in.
NICK: HOW ARE WE GONNA GET THEM OUT OF THE HOUSE?
ME: Maybe you should set a Billy trap.
NICK: Yeah! I’m gonna set a sticky trap. And they will stick to it. And then we can shoot them!
ME: We’re not shooting anybody.
NICK: Then what, dad?
ME: We’ll put them outside.
NICK: AND THEN WE WILL SHOOT THEM!
ME: No. Then they will be outside and we can eat in peace.
NICK: I KNOW! WE WILL LET BEES COME AND STING THEM AND COVER THEIR BODIES AND STING THEM!
ME: Oh, look. I just told Billy and Billy 2 they have to leave. So they’re not in the house anymore. Eat your dinner.
NICK: Okay. (long pause) DAD! BILLY AND BILLY 2 CAME IN THROUGH THE WINDOW!
ME: I threw them out again.
NICK: BUT THEN THEY BROKE IN WITH A KEY!
ME: Tell them they have to leave.
NICK: THEY’RE THROWING ALL THE CHILI EVERYWHERE! IT’S ALL OVER THE FLOOR!
ALLISON: I don’t like Billy OR Billy 2.
ME: Oh, look! There they go. I see them outside. Billy and Billy 2 are gone. They can’t come back in the house tonight. Okay?
NICK: Okay.
ME: Good.
NICK: Oh, no dad! Billy and Billy 2 built robots and left them in the house!
David Lee White 