CONVERSATIONS WITH NICK ABOUT WEARING UNDERWEAR IN THE BATHTUB

2015-03-11 19.19.30

ALLISON: Nick…did you just change all your clothes?

NICK: Yes.

ALLISON: Why?

NICK: I was tired of my other clothes.

ALLISON: Oh. Well it’s time for your bath so now you have to take them off again.

NICK: Okay.

ALLISON: Here…I’ll turn on your bath water and be back in a minute.j

(one minute later)

ALLISON: Nick?

NICK: What?

ALLISON: Are you sitting in the bathtub in your underwear?

NICK: Yeah.

ALLISON: Why?

NICK: I wanted to.

ALLISON: But now you’re wearing soaking wet underwear.

NICK: Tell dad to come upstairs and see me while I have on my underwear in the bathtub.

ALLISON: Why don’t I just tell him to come up and he can see for himself.

NICK: Okay.

ALLISON: DADDY? YOU DOWN THERE? NICK WANTS TO SEE YOU!

(Enter ME)

ME: Hey, guys. Uh…is Nick wearing his underwear in the bathtub?

NICK: Uh-huh.

ALLISON: He wanted to show you.

NICK: I have on my underwear but it feels like I’m nakee.

ALLISON: You wash him up. I’ll be back in a bit.

(Exit ALLISON)

ME: Okay, dude. Let’s wash up. Whoa. Why are you so squirmy? Hold still.

NICK: I’m in my underwear, daddy!

ME: I know. Why did you do that?

NICK: I’m Psychotic Boy.

ME: That is absolutely true.

NICK: Psychotic Boy!

ME: Now, you’re gonna have to take those off so you can get clean.

NICK: No!

ME: Come on, Nick. Take them off.

NICK: NO! NO! NO!

ME: Wait…where are you…get back in the tub!

NICK: HAHAHAHAHA!

ME: What are you…? Okay…good…take off your underpants…

NICK: WET UNDERPANTS!

ME: Good. Now get back in the…Nick…come on. Do not fling your wet underpants around! You’re getting everything wet!

NICK: PSYCHOTIC BOY! PSYCHOTIC BOY!

ME: Nick. Seriously. Get back in the tub. Where are you going???

(NICK runs up and down the hall, flinging his wet underpants around)

NICK: PSYCHOTIC BOY! PSYCHOTIC BOY! PSYCHOTIC BOY!

ME: Nick! We have to finish your bath! Nick!

NICK: PSYCHOTIC BOY!

(Enter ALLISON)

ALLISON: Why is Nick running up and down the hall naked and screaming “Psychotic Boy?”

ME: I don’t..I can’t even…

ALLISON: Did he bathe?

ME: Kind of. Not really.

NICK: PSYCHOTIC BOY! PSYCHOTIC BOY!

ALLISON: What’s wrong with him do you think?

ME: I don’t know what you’re talking about. He’s perfectly normal.

NICK: PSYCHOTIC BOY! PSYCHOTIC BOY!

ALLISON: How did he learn the word “psychotic?”

ME: No idea.

ALLISON: To be fair, I prefer this to a temper tantrum.

ME: Totally.

NICK: PSYCHOTIC BOY! PSYCHOTIC BOY!

ALLISON: But I suppose we’ll have to stop him eventually.

ME: Eventually. Not yet. I want to see how this plays out.

NICK: PSYCHOTIC BOY! PSYCHOTIC BOY! PSYCHOTIC BOY! PSYCHOTIC BOY!

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