Author: davidleewhite44

AGE TWO

ME: Hey, Nick! Look what I bought you! It’s a toy robot! His name is Mike! You wind up him up and sparks come out. Watch!

NICK: AH!!! AH!!!! TAKE IT AWAY!

ME: But Nick…

NICK: TAKE IT AWAY!

AGE TWO AND A HALF

ME: Hey, Nick. Want to meet Mister Spoon?

ALLISON: What are you going to do?

ME: It’s just a magic trick. I make the spoon float in mid-air. He’ll love it.

ALLISON: It will scare him.

ME: Oh, it will not. Look, Nick! It’s Mister SPOOOOOOOOOON!!!!!

NICK: AH!!! AH!!! NO!!!! TAKE IT AWAY!!!!

ALLISON: Told you.

AGE THREE

ME: Want to see Mike the Robot?

NICK: NO!!!! NO!!!!

ALLISON: Okay, seriously? Stop asking if he wants to see the robot. He doesn’t want to see it.

ME: Want to see Mister Spoon?

NICK: NO!!!

ALLISON: Stop it.

AGE FOUR

NICK: Dad?

ME: Yes.

NICK: I don’t want to go back to Karate class. Okay?

ME: How come?

NICK: I feel shy.

ME: Yeah. I know how that is. But I’m glad you tried it. It’s good to try things that are scary. You have to be brave sometimes.

(Pause)

NICK: Dad?

ME: Yes.

NICK: I want to see Mike the Robot.

ME: Who’s that?

NICK: Mike the Robot. Who used to scare me when I was a baby.

ME: Oh. You do?

NICK: Yes.

ME: Really?

NICK: Yes.

ME: What if he scares you?

NICK: I gonna hide under the table while you get him.

ME: Okay.

NICK: I under the table! Get Mike the Robot!

ME: Okay. I’ve got him. Should I hand him to you?

NICK: No!

ME: Where should I put him?

NICK: Put him in the hallway.

ME: Okay. Okay, he’s in the hall.

NICK: Okay, daddy.

ME: You want to come out and see him?

NICK: Okay. Okay.

(Crawls out from the under the table. Slowly walks to hallway.)

NICK: That Mike?

ME: Yep. That’s him.

(Pause)

NICK: I like him.

ME: You want me to wind him up?

NICK: Yes.

ME: Okay. See how the sparks come out?

NICK: HAHAHA! I’m not scared of Mike, dad!

ME: I know!

NICK: I not scared of him! I like him!

ME: I’m glad.

NICK: Daddy?

ME: Yes.

NICK: Go get Mister Spoon.

ME: Seriously, Nick. You have to eat your sandwich. You haven’t even taken one bite.

NICK: I saving it for later.

ME: No. You have to eat it now.

NICK: But daaaaad! If I eat it now, then I’ll want it later but it will be gone. That’s the problem.  So I gonna save it for later to have later.

ME: No. You have had nothing to eat today but two donuts.

NICK: Can I have a donut?

ME: No. You cannot have another donut. I want you to eat your sandwich.

NICK: Dad, listen. I have to play for a little bit. A little bit! And then I will eat my sandwich.

ALLISON: No. Eat it now. Daddy got you the exact sandwich you asked for.

NICK: It doesn’t have pickles on it.

ME: They’re right there! The pickles are right there! I am looking right at the pickles!

NICK: Can I have some more pickles?

ME: NO! Eat the sandwich.

NICK: I want to play. Okay, dad?

ALLISON: Nick, you have ten minutes to eat that sandwich.

NICK: How long is ten minutes?

ALLISON: That’s one “Curious George.”

ME: Just take the first bite. For the love of God, just take one bite.

NICK: I can’t.

ALLISON: You have ten minutes or you will go to your room and nap. There will be no playing.

NICK: UUUUGGGGGHHH!

ME: Just do it. Just eat it. Stop hovering over it and almost touching it. Pick it up and put it in your mouth.

NICK: Look, dad. I’m a triceratops.

ME: I don’t care. Eat your sandwich.

NICK: Could we shoot our house and all our things into space?

ME: Only if we take the sandwich.

NICK: Dad, how do you get to heaven?

ME: Forget it. Eat your sandwich.

NICK: Okay, OKAY! (picks up sandwich) There.

ALLISON: You didn’t even take a bite.

NICK: Yes, I did.

ALLISON: You put it in your mouth then took it right back out again. You didn’t even bite into it.

ME: Oh my God I’m gonna lose my mind if you don’t eat that sandwich.

NICK: I’m not hungry.

ALLISON: You’ve been talking all morning about how  you’re hungry!

NICK: I’m just so tired! I want to take a nap!

ALLISON: Take two bites of your sandwich. Then you can take a nap.

NICK: I want to play.

ALLISON: You just said you were tired!

ME: Eat that mffffnnffffnnn sandwich.

NICK: OKAY! (eats sandwich) Now can I have a donut?

 

NICK: Daddy?

ME: Yes.

NICK: You wanna…you wanna…Daddy?

ME: Yes.

NICK: You wanna hear something?

ME: Sure.

NICK: It’s a song I made up. Do you want to hear it?

ME: Yeah!

NICK: It’s a silly song.

ME: Okay.

NICK: Do you wanna hear it?

ME: I do.

NICK: Okay. (Pause) I can’t remember how it goes.

ME: Take your time. Just think about it.

NICK: Okay. I remember. Do you wanna hear it?

ME: Yes.

NICK: It’s silly.

ME: Okay.

NICK: It’s just a silly song, okay?

ME: Okay.

NICK: Okay. It goes… BUILD THE SMART TUB! BUILD THE SMART TUB! BUILD THE SMART TUB! That’s how it goes.

ME: I love it!

NICK: And then it goes… FILL IT UP WITH PUMPKIN! FILL IT UP WITH PUMPKIN! FILL IT UP WITH PUMPKIN!

ME: That’s great! It’s like a punk rock song. Let’s sing it.

NICK: You sing it.

ME: BUILD THE SMART TUB! BUILD THE SMART TUB! BUILD THE SMART TUB! FILL IT UP WITH PUMPKIN! FILL IT UP WITH PUMPKIN! FILL IT UP WITH PUMPKIN!

NICK: Do you like it?

ME: I love it! What comes next???

NICK: (walking away) I don’t know. I’m done.

NICK: Daddy?

ME: Yes.

NICK: Tell me about everything that’s dead. Tell me.

ME: Like… you mean dinosaurs?

NICK: Everything else.

ME: Do you know what ancestors are?

NICK: Tell it.

ME: Well, my daddy had a daddy. And that was my grandpa. And his daddy had a daddy. And his daddy had a daddy. And it just keeps going a long, long time ago and those were our ancestors.

NICK: Tell me about your grandpa and grammy.

ME: Oh…uh…okay. Well you know where my grandpa worked?

NICK: Where?

ME: On trains.

NICK: Toy trains?

ME: Nope. Real trains.

NICK: NO KIDDING!

ME: Yep. And my grammy made dresses.

NICK: WHAT??? HOW???

ME: With a sewing machine.

NICK: Are they dead?

ME: Yeah. They died a long time ago.

NICK: Are they in heaven?

ME: If there’s a heaven, they’re definitely there.

NICK: Where we go when we die?

ME: I don’t know. No one really knows.

NICK: Well can you figure it out by thinking?

ME: Not really. But I hope we go somewhere. I just don’t know.

NICK: Maybe we could tip-toe and sneak around in the dark and then we wouldn’t die.

ME: You think so?

NICK: Uh-huh. Also, we could get wooden legs.

ME: Wooden legs?

NICK: Uh-huh. That way we could walk and be dead BUT we could also be alive because we could walk.

ME: So we’ll just get wooden legs.

NICK: Uh-huh.

ME: Problem solved.

NICK: Daddy?

ME: Yes.

NICK: Let’s go for a walk outside with Billy and Billy 2.

ME: I thought their names were Georgie 1 and Georgie 2.

NICK: No. Billy and Billy 2.

ME: What happened to Georgie 1 and Georgie 2?

NICK: That’s their cousins.

ME: Ah. And do they all live around here?

NICK: Yes. Billy and Billy 2 live in that house over there and Georgie 1 and Georgie 2 live next door. And they have tunnels under the house so they can go to each others’ house. And Billy and Billy 2 can come to my room through the tunnel but Georgie 1 and Georgie 2 can’t.

ME: Right. What do they do all day?

NICK: Georgie 1 and Georgie 2 work in a factory. Billy and Billy 2 just cause trouble all day.

ME: Billy and Billy 2 don’t have jobs?

NICK: Yes. They’re firefighters. And they’re blind.

ME: Billy and Billy 2 are blind?

NICK: Yes. They can’t see me. I have to say “Billy and Billy 2! I’m over here! It’s Nick!”

ME: How did they become firefighters?

NICK: They went to fire school.

ME: And how did they go blind?

NICK: A satellite fell on them.

ME: Chicopee. In the weeund. Tay-tay.

NICK: Say it again.

ME: Chicopee. In the weeund. Tay-tay.

NICK: Again.

ME: Chicopee. In the weeund. Tay-tay.

NICK: That’s so crazy! Who say that?

ME: Nell. She’s one of the hill people. She’s just a normal girl but the townspeople think she’s feral.

NICK: Is she real?

ME: No. She was played by Jodi Foster.

NICK: Is she dead?

ME: No. She’s in a movie.

NICK: Can I watch it?

ME: No.

NICK: Say it again.

ME: Here, I’ll teach it to you. Chicopee…

NICK: Chico-pee-pee.

ME: No, come on. Take this seriously. Chicopee.

NICK: Chicopee…

ME: In the weeund.

NICK: In the wind.

ME: Weeund…

NICK: Weeund.

ME: Tay-tay.

NICK: Poo-poo.

ME: No. Come on. Say it right.

NICK: You say it.

ME: Chicopee. In the weeund. Tay-tay.

NICK: HAHAHAHA! DAD YOU ARE CRACKING ME OUT!

NICK: Daddy?

ME: Yes.

NICK: When we go for a walk, you be the kid and I be the grown up.

ME: Okay. What’s something that grown-ups say?

NICK: “BOY! IT SURE IS WINDY OUT!”

ME: That’s pretty good. What else do grown-ups say?

NICK: “COME ON, DOG! DON’T EAT THAT STICK! THAT MAKES ME FRUSTRATED!”

ME: Absolutely. What else?

NICK: “EVERYBODY JUST SETTLE DOWN AND RELAX!”

ME: Also true. Anything else?

NICK: “LOOK OUT! IT’S A BI-PLANE! EVERYBODY HIDE FROM THE BI-PLANE!”

ME: I will take your word for it.