GUNS IN CLASS – A Play for Monday
By David Lee White
SCENE: A high school classroom in Idaho, on the first day of school.
TEACHER:… and that’s what we’ll be covering in class this semester. Any questions? No? Well, we have a few minutes until the end of class and I thought we could take that time to get to know one another. I like to know a little bit about my students. Just forget that I’m your teacher for a minute and tell me something about you. Any volunteers?
RANDY: Uh…sure. I’ll go.
TEACHER: Great! Randy, is it?
RANDY: Yeah. My name is Randy. I’m a freshman and I’m new to the school. We just moved here so I’m kind of nervous.
TEACHER: No need to be nervous, Randy. We’re all friends here. Tell us something about yourself, Randy. Be brave. We won’t judge.
RANDY: Uh… okay. Well, you know those people that sometimes can have epileptic seizures when they see strobe lights? Well that happens to me, sometimes.
TEACHER: Really?
RANDY: Yeah. Not every time. But strobe lights or any kind of flashing light, really. If it’s completely dark except for a flashing light, I could have a seizure.
MARY (student): Oh, man. That happened to my mom one time. I just started crying. I have no idea what would happen if I saw someone have a seizure again.
TEACHER: Not to worry. There will be no flashing lights in this classroom. And if their were, we would all just remain calm and I assume that the seizure would eventually pass and everything would be fine. Right, Randy?
RANDY: Sure.
TEACHER: Okay, who else?
BOBBY (Student): I guess I’ll go. My name is Bobby. I’m a sophomore. And I guess my private thing is that I throw up really easily. Like if I see someone else throw up, I will definitely throw up.
CINDY (Student): Oh, man. This is a brand new sweater. If he throws up, I will scream and run right out of this room.
TEACHER: Ha, ha. Don’t worry, guys. No one is going to throw up.
BILLY (Student): Only one thing makes me throw up and that’s if I see someone crying really hard and snot comes out. I almost never throw up, but if I see snot I might throw up.
MARY: I am TOTALLY that kind of crier! Ha, ha! I hope I never cry around you!
BILLY: I hope not!
MARY: Nah, the last time I cried that hard was when my mom had that seizure.
RANDY: I only have seizures if there are flashing lights.
CINDY: I will scream if someone throws up!
TEACHER: Okay, everybody. Just calm down. Ha, ha. You guys are hilarious. Okay, it’s my turn. As you know, my name is Mr. Simpson and I’m your teacher. Also, in the interest of disclosure (opens jacket revealing a shoulder holster) I am carrying a legally registered, loaded firearm. I am trained to use this firearm and I carry it for protection. Both my protection and your protection. If more teachers were armed and trained in the correct use of firearms, I believe we wouldn’t have the kind of problems we’re seeing in schools, these days, with the shootings by disgruntled students and whatnot.
RANDY: What was the firearm training like, Mr. Simpson? Was it difficult?
TEACHER: It was! And I confess that I did have one embarrassing moment early on. I had to go to a shooting range where cardboard cutouts of people would pop out of nowhere and I had a split second to decide whether to fire my weapon or not. What I didn’t realize was that there were sound effects. At one point, there was a recording of a woman screaming and it scared me so badly that I just started firing like crazy and I destroyed all the fake people! My trainer was very understanding, though.
MARY: Why did you do that?
TEACHER: I have no idea. Something about the sound of a woman screaming just made me lose control.
CINDY: I would only scream if Bobby threw up.
BOBBY: And I would only throw up if Billy threw up.
BILLY: I only throw up when I see snot.
MARY: I snot when I cry, but the last time I cried was when my mom had that seizure.
RANDY: I only have seizures if there are flashing lights.
TEACHER: Ha, ha. Relax, everyone. None of that is going to happen. Back to me. Now that I’ve completed my firearm training, I’m prepared to protect and defend. I know how to look at a situation, assess the risks and make snap judgements without endangering innocent children. Rest assured, there will be no embarrassing firearm incidents in my classroom.
INTERCOM: “Hello, teachers and students. Please excuse this untimely interruption. With the cooperation of the police department, we will shortly have a lock down drill. This is to insure that everyone knows what to do if our building is suddenly under siege by one or more people carrying loaded firearms. After the final bell rings, please lock your classroom doors and turn out all the lights in the room. Do not be alarmed by the flashing lights outside your windows. Those are members of the police department taking part in the drill.”
CINDY: I’ll lock the door!
BILLY: I’ll turn out the lights!
TEACHER: Yes. The classroom must be in complete darkness.
RANDY: What did he say about flashing lights?
TEACHER: (looking at watch) Class is about to end. The lock down drill will being in five, four, three, two –
END OF PLAY
David Lee White 