EAVESDROPPING ON STRANGERS
SCENE – THE LIBRARY
MAN: Hi.
WOMAN: What can I do for you?
MAN: Um… so here’s my… this is what happened. I was… there was this little girl that works at a diner down there.
WOMAN: Uh-huh.
MAN: And she was supposed to meet me here and show me how to send an application… but she’s not not coming.
WOMAN: Okay. This is the reference desk, so…
MAN: I don’t know anything about computers. I mean I don’t even have one and she was supposed to… she said she would come down here… meet me at the library and show me how to see what jobs were out there.
WOMAN: Okay. I see.
MAN: But now it’s like she’s not even returning my phone calls. At all. I mean I just tried her again and she’s not there.
WOMAN: Right.
MAN: And she said her boyfriend got a job and she helped him and she was gonna meet me here and show me. She works at that diner, down there.
WOMAN: I don’t know –
MAN: So is there anyone here, like… that I could talk to? That could show me…
WOMAN: Well, yeah.
MAN: How to… I don’t even have a computer and I guess…
WOMAN: What would we do is you could make an appointment and come back and whoever is free can help you –
MAN: My brother dropped me off here. I’m staying with him. I don’t have a car… Like if I come tomorrow, I don’t know if I can come tomorrow.
WOMAN: Okay.
MAN: Like… could you help me right now, or…
WOMAN: I’m… I’m… I wish I could. I’m at the desk right now so if people come up…
MAN: Yeah, I’m not gonna… if you need to go.
WOMAN: Right. I’m sorry.
MAN: Could I just… slide behind there? I mean just for a second?
WOMAN: Uh… sure.
MAN: And you could show me… just for a second… how do you find out where there are jobs.
WOMAN: Uh…okay. Like… in the area?
MAN: Yeah.
WOMAN: So what kind of work do you do?
MAN: Like something in… like if there’s a warehouse or packaging or sending out things. Organizing. Sending out things.
WOMAN: Let’s look at… so these are the jobs at the Amazon warehouse.
MAN: Okay. Just these?
WOMAN: No, there’s ten pages here. There are currently 278 jobs available with Amazon.
MAN: Oh, wow. Oh, wow! See this is already… I mean already, you just…
WOMAN: But…but… they’re not… they’re not all…
MAN: I don’t see a phone number. Who do I call?
WOMAN: You don’t. You would send them a resume.
MAN: Okay. Right. So I would just send it?
WOMAN: Yeah, but you see, each one of these jobs has a job number so you couldn’t just send in one resume for all these jobs. You would have to go through and see which ones you qualify for and then you would apply for each individual job.
MAN: Oh.
WOMAN: And I don’t… that’s really something you’d need to do on your own and really take some time and go through it on your own.
MAN: I don’t have a computer at home, so… what’s this here?
WOMAN: That says there’s a position in the warehouse.
MAN: Oh! Okay! Yeah, that’s what I mean. Something like that. How many…?
WOMAN: There’s one warehouse position.
MAN: Oh.
WOMAN: In California.
MAN: Oh… so this is not even…
WOMAN: I guess not. I guess this is all over.
MAN: You see I’m originally from Mount Laurel. That’s where I’m from. But my brother has a room. My wife… I have to get my resume from her. When she left, she changed all the passwords and so I can’t get…
WOMAN: Ohhhhhhhh…
MAN: It’s something else. My brother has a couch and so that’s where I am. I really wish the girl from the diner… I don’t know why she… So I had to get down here. And something in the area. A job in the area.
WOMAN: Right, well, you know where you can also look is monster.com
MAN: Monster?
WOMAN: dot com.
MAN: Monster dot com?
WOMAN: Yes. You would put your resume on there and… see businesses don’t just put things on their own website. They put them on other websites to try and get to as many people as possible.
MAN: This place has really changed. I remember being here years ago but not recently. It’s different now.
WOMAN: So if you have a resume, you would put it up here.
MAN: Where?
WOMAN: Monster dot com.
MAN: Monster?
WOMAN: dot com. Do you want me to write that down for you?
MAN: Yes.
WOMAN: (writes) Monster… (writes) dot (writes) com.
MAN: The girl from the diner… she said her boyfriend sent in a resume with his smart phone.
WOMAN: Ha! Probably did.
MAN: So I have to do a resume then.
WOMAN: Well… yes.
MAN: I don’t… I had one but my wife changed all the passwords.
WOMAN: Okay… um… come over here.
MAN: This is really nice of you.
WOMAN: Oh, it’s my pleasure.
MAN: No really. Thank you.
WOMAN: Look here are books about writing a resume, sending out a resume…
MAN: (looking through book) So there are different styles and things.
WOMAN: Yes.
MAN: Okay, okay. Well you’ve given me… you’ve really… I already feel like there’s a lot to think about here and consider.
WOMAN: Yeah.
MAN: So thank you.
WOMAN: Okay.
MAN: I mean it. This was just wonderful of you. This was really good of you. You were very helpful.
WOMAN: Oh… you’re welcome.
MAN: Thank you.
WOMAN: You’re welcome.
MAN: I’m gonna take some of these brochures.
WOMAN: That’s why they’re there.
MAN: Thank you.
WOMAN: You’re welcome.
MAN: Goodbye.
WOMAN: Bye.
Author: davidleewhite44
CONVERSATIONS WITH NICK ABOUT MODERN MEDICINE
NICK: I’m Dr. Nicholas. What’s your name, sir?
ME: David White.
NICK: Hello, Mr. David White. Before I examine you, I have to take off my pretend shoes and my shirt because my tummy is very hot.
ME: Okay.
NICK: What seems to be the trouble today?
ME: Oh…well… I think I have problem with my stomach. My stomach hurts.
NICK: This is my dog, Jessie. I’m gonna look in her mouth. Say “Ah,” Jessie. Oh, I see. The problem is, Jessie has two tongues.
ME: Two tongues?
NICK: Yes. One in the front and one in her back-throat. What seems to be the trouble today?
ME: Well, like I said, my stomach hurts.
NICK: Hmmmm… Do you have a crane at home?
ME: A crane? Like a great big crane?
NICK: Yes.
ME: You think it might be making my stomach hurt?
NICK: No. Someone left a crane in my office last time and I wanted to see if you left the crane.
ME: Oh. No, my crane is still at home.
NICK: I see. What seems to be the trouble?
ME: My stomach hurts.
NICK: Hold on. I have to go get my tools. (Leaves for a moment, comes back with toy power drill)
ME: Oh, my God. What are you going to do with that?
NICK: Say “Ah.”
ME: AAAAAHHHHHHH… Um… don’t actually stick that in my mouth, okay Nick?
NICK: I’m not! Okay. I see the problem. Let me feel your tummy.
ME: Okay.
NICK: I see the problem. The problem is, you’ve got a small rubber tire.
ME: A rubber tire?
NICK: Yes, Mr. White. It’s around your tummy.
ME: What do I do about it?
NICK: Just sit down and relax and wait for it to die.
ME: Thank you, Doctor.
CONVERSATIONS WITH ALLISON ABOUT NICK
1.
ME: Has Nick had breakfast?
ALLISON: He sat in a bowl of fruit. Does that count?
2.
ME: (cheerfully) Hey, Al! Come here!
AL: What’s up?
ME: I just cut my finger.
AL: Why are you whispering?
ME: I don’t want to scare Nick. I was cutting a block of cheese and I cut my finger. My God.
AL: How bad is it?
ME: I don’t know. Really bad. Ow.
NICK: You okay dad?
ME: YES! I’M FINE! NO NEED TO WORRY!
AL: Okay. Is your finger still there?
ME: (checking) Yes.
AL: Do you need stitches?
ME: No. I think it’s too jagged and flappy. (cough, cough)
AL: Why are you coughing?
ME: Because the cheese had cayenne pepper in it and I think when I cut it, I also inhaled some of the cayenne pepper. (cough, cough)
AL: Okay. Well I have more bad news.
ME: What?
AL: The only band-aids in the house have Spider-man or Dinosaur Train on them.
3.
ALLISON: Nick! Did you just throw that shoe at daddy?
NICK: I’m sorry.
ALLISON: We do not throw things! We have talked about this many times, young man!
NICK: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
ALLISON: Apologize to daddy.
NICK: I’m sorry can I go outside now?
ALLISON: You cannot go outside. You’re in time out.
NICK: BUT I WANT TO GO OUTSIDE! I DON’T WANT TO BE IN TIME OUT!
ALLISON: You should have thought about that before you threw a shoe at daddy.
NICK: DADDYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!
ME: Sorry, buddy. We don’t throw things at people. You’ve got to learn to control yourself.
NICK: BUT I WANT TO GO OUTSIDE! I WANT TO GO OUTSIDE!!!!!! IT’S GONNA BE NIGHT TIME AND I GONNA MISS IT!!! WE NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO DO ANYTHING BECAUSE I’M IN TIME OUT AND THEN IT’S GONNA BE DARK AND I’LL HAVE TO GO TO BED! LOOK! LOOK! IT’S GETTING DARK! OH NO! IT’S GETTING DARK!
ME: (to AL) You okay?
ALLISON: I am not. I am not okay.
ME: You have those big crazy eyes you get when he’s been acting up all day.
NICK: I WANT TO GO OUTSIDE! I WANT TO GO OUTSIDE! I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE! I! GOT! TO! GET! OUT! OF! THIS! HOUSE!
ALLISON: I gotta get outta this house.
NICK: I GOTTA GET OUTTA THIS HOUSE!
ALLISON: I gotta get outta this house.
NICK: I GOTTA GET OUTTA THIS HOUSE!
ALLISON: I gotta get outta this house.
NICK: I GOTTA GET OUTTA THIS HOUSE!
ME: It’s possible all three of us are losing our minds.
ALLISON: He was like this after school, he was like this during his check-up…
ME: Oh, right! How did that go?
NICK: I GOTTA GET OUTTA THIS HOUSE!
ALLISON: He’s in the 98th percentile for weight, the 99th percentile for height and the 128th percentile in mother effing crazy!
CONVERSATIONS WITH NICK ABOUT DINOSAURS
![IMG_2641[1]](https://davidleewhite.net/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/img_26411.jpg)
NICK: Daddy, read me the dinosaur book WHILE I IN THE BATHTUB!
ME: Okay. So…whoa…this is a picture of a T-rex fighting another dinosaur. Bleah.
NICK: What he doing?
ME: Well…um…he’s biting the other dinosaur on the neck.
NICK: Why?
ME: Well… they’re fighting and he’s trying to…to… kill the other dinosaur.
NICK: Kill?
ME: Yes.
NICK: Daddy? You’re not supposed to say bad words in public.
ME: What bad word did I say?
NICK: Kill. It’s a bad word.
ME: That’s true. It is a bad word.
NICK: And you can’t say it in public. BUT YOU CAN SAY IT IN THE BATHROOM!
ME: Okay.
NICK: Daddy?
ME: Yes.
NICK: If a dinosaur came in this house, I would fight him.
ME: You would?
NICK: Yes.
ME: How would you fight him?
NICK: I would get a great big vacuum and I would FSSSSSHHHHH! suck him up in it!
ME: That’s a good idea. Then what would you do?
NICK: Then Jessie would fight him.
ME: Our dog wouldn’t be much of a match for a dinosaur. What would you do then?
NICK: (Strokes chin. Thinks a bit.) I’d call grampa. He can fix EVERYTHING!
CONVERSATIONS WITH NICK ABOUT THE END OF SUMMER
ALLISON: I can’t believe these balloons from your birthday party are still floating around.
NICK: Let’s take them outside, guys!
ALLISON: Okay, but don’t let them go. Hold onto them.
NICK: *sigh* Okay, mom. I will!
*Five Minutes Later*
ALLISON: You know what?
ME: What?
ALLISON: If you had asked me to come up with an image or metaphor for the end of summer…
ME: Yeah?
ALLISON: For the end of Nick’s early, childhood, halcyon days…
ME: It would be this?
ALLISON: Yes.
ME: We’d be lying in the grass like this, each of us holding a helium balloon.
ALLISON: Yep.
NICK: Is Summer over?
ME: ‘Fraid so, buddy. Did you have a good Summer?
NICK: Uh-huh. (pause) Summer is dying.
ALLISON: Yeah, it’s kind of…
NICK: *cough* *cough* IT’S DYING, MOMMY! OH NO! *cough* *cough* SUMMER IS DYING! AAAAGGGGHHH! SUMMER IS DYING!
ME: Nick has not yet learned when he’s inside of a metaphor.
ALLISON: No.
NICK: Oh, no!
ALLISON: Oops!
NICK: My balloon!
ALLISON: Quick! Run after it! Try to catch it!
(Nick gets up and runs after his balloon but it quickly floats away over the houses)
NICK: How we get it back?
ME: I don’t think we can, buddy.
NICK: Maybe it will go to the ocean. Maybe it will go to Cape May and we can go there and find it.
ALLISON: I think it’s gone, buddy.
NICK: Where does it go?
ALLISON: We don’t know. The wind is just going to blow it somewhere.
NICK: We can get in the car and go get it.
ME: I’m sorry, pal. There’s no way to get it.
NICK: It’s a mystery and we just have to follow the clues!
ALLISON: Let’s just say it’s going to float away.
NICK: Okay. Well… IT’S OKAY. DON’T BE SAD, GUYS! KNOW WHY?
ALLISON: Why?
NICK: CAUSE I THINK… KNOW WHAT? I THINK SOMEONE’S GONNA FIND IT AND THEY WILL REMEMBER US!
ME: Maybe.
ALLISON: Come here.
(Allison hugs Nick)
NICK: I think we should go inside now. I don’t want the other balloons to fly away yet.
ALLISON: Good idea.
CONVERSATIONS WITH NICK ABOUT ART
Sometimes I have these conversations with Nick and I think… “I can’t post that. No one will believe it.”
NICK: Daddy?
ME: Yes.
NICK: Lie down on your back with me.
ME: Okay.
NICK: Look up at the tree.
ME: Looking. What do you see?
NICK: Art.
ME: Really? Art?
NICK: Yes.
ME: I think I know what you mean. The branches and leaves and everything… they’re like art.
NICK: No, daddy.
ME: You mean, like… you see kind of like pictures in the tree? Like framed pictures or something?
NICK: No, daddy.
ME: What do you see?
NICK: Butts.
ME: You see butts?
NICK: Yes.
ME: How do you see butts in the trees?
NICK: I just do.
ME: You see butts.
NICK: Yes.
ME: How is that art?
NICK: They’re in Spanish.
CONVERSATIONS WITH NICK AND ELANA
Nick has a friend named Elana. She’s three. They see one another several times a year and recently vacationed together at Cape May.
1.
ELANA: Hi, Nicky!
NICK: Hi, Elana!
ELANA: Hi, Nicky!
NICK: THIS ONE TIME I WENT ON A PLANE AND MOMMY DIDN’T GIVE ME MEDICINE AND SO I THREW UP EEEEEVERYWHERE BUT MAYBE NEXT TIME SHE GIVE ME MEDICINE AND I DON’T THROW UP!
ELANA: Okay!
2.
NICK: Elana!
ELANA: Nick!
NICK: Don’t throw sand in my face!
ELANA: Okay!
NICK: Know what?
ELANA: What?
NICK: Knock, knock. Who’s there?
ELANA: Let’s bury our feet in the sand!
NICK: Okay!
(They bury their feet)
ELANA: Now our feet are stuck! We have to go to the hospital!
NICK: Wiggle your toes!
ELANA: Yeah! Wiggle your toes!
(They wiggle their toes)
NICK: We broke free!
3.
NICK: Push me over!
(Elana pushes Nick over)
NICK: Ha ha ha!
ELANA: Now you push me over!
(Nick pushes Elana over)
ELANA: Ha, ha, ha!
NICK: Now you push me over!
(Elana pushes Nick over)
NICK: Ha, ha, ha!
ELANA: Now you push me over!
4.
NICK: Mom?
ALLISON: Yes, Nick?
NICK: I like how Elana talks.
ALLISON: How do you mean?
NICK: Like if it’s raining outside and we have to get shelter, she’ll say “Oh, no! It’s raining outside! We have to get shelter!”
CONVERSATIONS WITH NICK ABOUT KNOCK KNOCK JOKES
![IMG_2695[1]](https://davidleewhite.net/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/img_26951.jpg)
ME: Knock, knock.
NICK: Who’s there?
ME: Dwayne.
NICK: Dwayne who?
ME: Dwayne the bathtub! I’m dwowning!
NICK: HANG ON I GONNA GRAB YOU AND PULL YOU OUT OF THE TUB AND RESCUE YOU AND SAVE THE DAY!!!
ME: Excellent. Want me to teach you another one?
NICK: Uh-huh.
ME: Knock, knock.
NICK: Who’s there?
ME: Water.
NICK: Water who?
ME: Water you doing in there? Okay, now you do that one to me.
NICK: Knock, knock. Who’s there?
ME: No. Just say “knock, knock.”
NICK: Who’s there?
ME: No, you’re doing it wrong. Just say “knock, knock.”
NICK: Knock, knock.
ME: Who’s there? Now you say “Water.”
NICK: Water.
ME: Water who?
NICK: THERE’S WATER EVERYWHERE AND I STUCK IN THE TUB IN THE DRAIN AND I NEED HELP! HELP! I IN THE DRAIN AND GETTING SUCKED DOWN INTO THE PIPES! INTO THE PIPES!
Me: Outstanding. Nice work.
CONVERSATIONS WITH NICK ABOUT HOW BABIES ARE BORN (Warning: Graphic Imagery)
NICK: Dad?
ME: Yes, Nick.
NICK: You were born inside a butt.
(Really, really, really long pause)
ME: Wait… what?
NICK: You were born inside a butt. Yes, daddy. Yes you were.
ME: What are you talking about?
NICK: *sigh* I meeeeeaaaannnnn, when you were borned, you came out of someone’s butt!
ME: No, I didn’t.
NICK: Yes, you did. Like poo poo.
ME: Oh, my God. This is grossing me out so hard.
NICK: You were, daddy.
ME: People don’t come out of butts like poo poo.
NICK: Yes, daddy. Yes, they do.
ME: No they don’t.
NICK: Yes, daddy. You came out of a butt like poo poo.
ME: Stop saying that! Who told you that?
NICK: Who told me what?
ME: Who told you that babies came out of butts like poo poo?
NICK: The Muppets.
(even longer pause than before)
ME: They did not.
NICK: Yes, daddy.
ME: Which Muppet?
NICK: Huh?
ME: Which Muppet said that babies come from butts?
NICK: Poop Muppet.
ME: There is not a “Poop Muppet.”
NICK: Yes, there is.
ME: No there isn’t! Why would they make a Poop Muppet? Who would watch that?
NICK: There is!
ME: Seriously, who told you that babies came from butts?
NICK: On the animal show. They show babies getting borned. And the babies came out of the other animal’s butt.
ME: Ooooooohhhhhh…
*SOME TIME LATER*
ME: So I guess he saw some show that showed an animal giving birth. And it looked, to him, like it was coming out of the animal’s butt.
ALLISON: You are making this up for your blog.
ME: No, I’m not!
ALLISON: What did you tell him?
ME: I don’t know. I was all flustered. I mumbled something about wombs and vaginas and women and a bunch of other things I don’t understand.
ALLISON: You did better than I would have. I totally would have just told him you came out of a butt.
CONVERSATIONS WITH NICK ABOUT THEME PARK MANAGEMENT
NICK: Mommy? Daddy? I’m gonna tell you a secret.
ALLISON: What is it?
NICK: I own this whole park.
ME: Wow. You own the entire Magic Kingdom?
NICK: Uh-huh.
ME: For how long?
NICK: Sixty years.
ME: Get outta here! When did you buy it?
NICK: Sixty years ago.
ME: Well, that was a stupid question on my part.
ALLISON: It was, kinda.
ME: Where did you get the money to buy it?
NICK: Grampa.
ALLISON: I hope you gave him a job, at least.
NICK: He runs the whole thing.
ME: He does?
NICK: Uh-huh. Grumps runs it and Georgie 1 and Georgie 2 fix everything.
ME: What do you do?
NICK: I clean the park and set off the fireworks.
ALLISON: So Grumps runs everything, Georgie 1 and Georgie 2 fix everything. You clean the park and set off the fireworks.
NICK: Uh-huh. AND EVERYONE EATS LUNCH WITH THEIR SHIRT OFF!
David Lee White 