Category: Conversations with Nick

 

ME: Hey, buddy. How was school?

NICK: Nathan would NOT cooperate!

ME: Uh-oh. What did that kid do now?

NICK: He makes jokes that I don’t like! And he tries to trick me!

ME: That’s no good. You just ignore him, okay? And tell the teacher if he really bothers you.

NICK: Daddy?

ME: Yes.

NICK: Read me this book.

ALLISON: Oh, yes. That book. Where did you get that book again?

ME: At the library book sale. I know he’s into dinosaurs and fossils and stuff so I grabbed it. It was in the kids’ section.

ALLISON: Uh-huh.

ME: What’s wrong? You have crazy eyes.

NICK: Read it to me, daddy.

ALLISON: Nick, I don’t think we should –

NICK: Pleeeeeaaaaase. What this book called?

ME: “Dry Bones.”

NICK: Read it, daddy.

ALLISON: Yes. Read it, daddy.

ME: Uh…Okay. “Did you ever dream that you were hunting dinosaurs? Dinosaurs and giant sea scorpions and all kinds of creatures from the past are still out there just waiting to be found…as fossils!”

ALLISON: So far, so good.

ME: Giant sea scorpions?

ALLISON: Keep reading.

ME: “Most fossils start out as plants and animals trapped in sediment. Sediment is the mud or sand that settles from flood waters. Do you know of any flood big enough to wash ocean life hundreds of miles to Indiana?”

ALLISON: Here we go…

ME: “God sent the great Flood to destroy evil and give the world a fresh start…all the violence and wickedness grieved God’s heart…” WHAT THE FUUUUUU…UNNY BOOK IS THIS?

NICK: Why is it so funny?

ALLISON: Look who the authors are.

ME: “Gary E. Parker, Clearwater Christian College and Mary M. Parker, Curator, Florida Creation Science Center.”

ALLISON: And the dedication.

ME: “To our Lord Jesus Christ.”

ALLISON: You brought a creationist children’s book into our home.

ME: OH MY GOD!

NICK: Read it, daddy!

ME: Nick, I can’t read you this book.

NICK: Yes! Read it!

ME: Oh, my God. How do I…how do I even…

ALLISON: Go for it, daddy.

ME: Well…Nick…you see they put stuff in this book that just isn’t true. They’re just pretending it’s true. It’s like a good story but they’re pretending it’s real. It has nice pictures and everything but…

NICK: I wanna see! Who’s that?

ME: Well, that’s Noah.

NICK: How he have a dinosaur on his boat? DINOSAURS CAN’T BE ON BOATS WITH PEOPLE!

ME: Exactly!

NICK: He have a dog! WHAT? How he can have a dog and a dinosaur???

ME: He can’t. That’s what I’m saying. This book says he can but he can’t.

NICK: SOMEONE TRYING TO TRICK US WITH THAT BOOK!

ME: Yes, they are.

NICK: Give it to me!

ME: What are you going to do with it?

NICK: I gonna give it to Nathan! I gonna trick Nathan with it!

 

 

ME: Five more minutes, buddy.

NICK: NO! I want to play!

ME: We’ve been playing in the dirt for a half an hour. We need to walk back home. I have work to do.

NICK: I have to dump out these rocks!

ME: Five more minutes. Seriously.

(Cell phone rings)

ME: (in phone) This is David. Oh… Oh, God. I’m so sorry. Yeah, I knew I had the appointment. It’s on my calendar. I just… I woke up this morning and took Nick… I just forgot. I’m so sorry.

NICK: What’s wrong, daddy? Tell me!

ME: (in phone) I clearly just… I need to figure out my scheduling. I just totally forgot we were supposed to meet. I’m so sorry. There’s a lot going on…

NICK: Dad!

ME: Just a second buddy (in phone) Yeah. I’ll call you back and reschedule. I’m sorry. (hangs up)

NICK: Dad, pick me up.

ME: We have to go home, buddy.

NICK: No!

ME: I said five minutes. It’s been five minutes!

NICK: NO!

ME: Nick, please!

(pause)

ME: Sorry, bud. I didn’t mean to yell.

NICK: Daddy? It’s okay.

ME: I know.

NICK: I give you a hug.

ME: Okay.

NICK: We can go home now.

ME: Okay.

NICK: You know why you so upset?

ME: Why?

NICK: Because you’re confused about which way to go home. It’s okay. There are two ways to go home.

ME: Okay.

NICK: Walk this way. I know a shortcut.

ME: Hey, bud. Mommy has to work tonight.

NICK: We gonna have boys night?

ME: Yep! Where do you want to have dinner?

NICK: Old McDonalds

ME: You got it.

2.

ME: Here’s your Happy Meal.

NICK: Does it have pickles?

ME: It always has pickles.

NICK: I want to get the ketchup by myself.

ME: Nick… you’re gonna spill it.

NICK: NO, I WON’T!

3.

NICK: Lets go out this door.

ME: The car is the other direction.

NICK: I want to go out this way! It’s a short cut!

ME: It’s raining, Nick. I don’t want to walk around in the rain to get to the car.

NICK: AAAAAGGGGHHHH!

4.

NICK: I want to have a picnic!

ME: We just ate at McDonald’s!

NICK: I want to eat again!

ME: It’s raining, Nick. We can’t have a picnic in the rain.

NICK: This is boring.

5.

ME: Okay. I’ll take you to “Five Below” and you can buy a toy, but then you have to let me look in Barnes & Noble for two minutes.

NICK: Uh-huh. Can I have a toy?

ME: Yes. I said yes. Just one. Then we go to the bookstore.

6.

NICK: This is boring.

ME: Just give me two minutes, okay? Daddy just needs two minutes. That was the deal.

NICK: Bookstores are so boring!

ME: I can’t believe you just said that.

NICK: Can we just go?

7.

NICK: Where are we going now?

ME: Home.

NICK: But then it’s just gonna be night time and we’re not gonna play or anything and I’ll have to go to bed!

ME: That’s the idea, yes.

NICK: I don’t want to do that! I don’t want to do that, daddy! I DON’T WANT TO DO THAT!

ME: Nick, come on. Just stop it, okay? Just stop.

8.

NICK: I want some M&Ms yogurt.

ME: Okay.

NICK: Take off my shoes.

ME: Just a second.

NICK: Take off my shoes!

ME: Nick, I barely get one thing done and you’re asking me to do something else!

NICK: Well, I’m sorry!

9.

NICK: This wasn’t such a good boys night.

ME: I’m sorry, bud. I can tell you’re frustrated with me.

(long pause)

NICK: I am frustrated with you.

ME: Why?

(long pause)

NICK: I don’t know.

ME: Okay. Well maybe we just shouldn’t talk to one another for five minutes, okay?

NICK: Okay.

10.

NICK: …

ME: …

At the Princeton University Art Museum…

1.

ME: Look, bud. You know how you wanted to know what happened in different places during the old days?

NICK: Uh-huh.

ME: Well, look at this stuff. It’s thousands of years old. People made this thousands of years ago.

NICK: Are they dead?

ME: Well… yeah.

ALLISON: See that statue?

NICK: Is he dead?

ALLISON: He’s actually not a real person. That’s just a statue. But the man who made it is dead. This is from thousands of years ago.

ME: Look at these small carvings of horses.

NICK: Are they dead?

ALLISON: They’re actually not real horses. But if they were, then yes they would be dead.

ME: Buddy! Look! A mummy!

NICK: Is he dead?

ALLISON: Yes.

NICK: Why?

ALLISON: Well, he died. And they put him in that box which is called a sarcophagus.

NICK: Who did?

ALLISON: Egyptians.

NICK: Are they dead?

ME: Let’s see what’s upstairs!

2.

NICK: What’s that?

ME: It’s a statue.

NICK: What’s he doing?

ME: It’s a she. She has a bow and arrow.

NICK: Why?

ALLISON: That’s Diana the Huntress.

NICK: What’s THAT?

ME: I told you. It’s a statue. Of Diana.

NICK: No…what’s THAT?

ME: *sigh* That’s her butt.

NICK: YOU SAID BUTT!

ALLISON: Um… there’s a tour here…

ME: He asked! What was I supposed to say?

NICK: Why she not wearing pants?

ALLISON: She’s a goddess. Goddesses don’t have to wear pants.

NICK: Another one!

ME: That’s another statue.

NICK: SHE’S NOT WEARING PANTS EITHER! I SEE HER BUTT!

ME: Keep it down, buddy.

NICK: SHE HAS A PENIS.

ME: That’s a man. HE has a penis.

NICK: OH! *HE* HAS A PENIS! Daddy?

ME: Yes.

NICK: Is he dead?

 

 

NICK: Daddy?

ME: Yes.

NICK: Tell me about the old days.

ME: What about the old days?

NICK: Tell me what happened.

ME: About what?

NICK: Just about what happened.

ME: Where?

NICK: Everywhere.

ME: What do you want to know about?

NICK: Everything. What happened?

ME: I’m not sure I know what you mean.

NICK: What happened in the old days?

ME: When, exactly?

NICK: The old days!

ME: I know, but when in the old days?

NICK: AAAAGGGGHHH!!!!

ME: Okay. Calm down.

NICK: Tell me what happened in the places.

ME: Which places?

NICK: All the places. Germany, France, New Jersey… All of the places. Tell me what happened.

ME: Okay… so there used to be dinosaurs everywhere…

NICK: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

ME: Buddy, I’m sorry. I don’t know what you want to know.

NICK: I want to know… WHAT! HAPPENED!

ME: Okay… you mean what happened here?

NICK: Yes!

ME: Okay… well… first there were Indians.

NICK: Are they dead?

ME: Not all of them but the ones back then…yes, they’re dead. Then people came from Spain.

NICK: What people?

ME: People-people. Like…people. And they…um…moved here.

NICK: AND THEN WHAT HAPPENED?

ME: They just moved here. And then there were more people.

NICK: NOOOO! AGGGGHHHHH!!!! I JUST WANT TO KNOW ABOUT THE OLD DAYS AND WHAT HAPPENED IN GERMANY AND FRANCE AND HERE AND EVERYWHERE! I JUST WANT TO KNOW EVERYTHING!

ME: I’m sorry, buddy! I really… I’m sorry I don’t know exactly what you want me to talk about.

NICK: *sigh* Okay. Then just tell me about the moon.

1.

NICK: Oh, daddy. You’re an old man.

ALLISON: Nick. Stop saying that. Your father is not old.

NICK: I’m sorry daddy.

ME: That’s okay.

NICK: You’re not old. You’re kind.

ME: Thank you.

NICK: Kind of old.

2.

NICK: Where are we going?

ALLISON: We thought we’d get some frozen yogurt at Yogurtland.

NICK: If we go to Yogurtland, do we have to catch a bus in the parking lot to get there?

ALLISON: What?

ME: HAHAHAHA! I get it! That’s good, buddy! Do you see what he did? He’s talking about Yogurtland like it’s Disney World!

ALLISON: Oh! HAHAHAHA!

ME: Hey! If we go to Yogurtland, are there yogurt rides???

ALLISON: Yeah! Is the tram made of chocolate??

ME: Right! And are there characters dressed up like yogurt???

ALLISON: HAHA! Is there a yogurt hotel for us to stay at???

ME: Hey, buddy! Tell us what Yogurtland is like!!!

NICK: Sorry, guys. End of discussion.

 

NICK: I’m Dr. Nicholas. What’s your name, sir?

ME: David White.

NICK: Hello, Mr. David White. Before I examine you, I have to take off my pretend shoes and my shirt because my tummy is very hot.

ME: Okay.

NICK: What seems to be the trouble today?

ME: Oh…well… I think I have problem with my stomach. My stomach hurts.

NICK: This is my dog, Jessie. I’m gonna look in her mouth. Say “Ah,” Jessie. Oh, I see. The problem is, Jessie has two tongues.

ME: Two tongues?

NICK: Yes. One in the front and one in her back-throat. What seems to be the trouble today?

ME: Well, like I said, my stomach hurts.

NICK: Hmmmm… Do you have a crane at home?

ME: A crane? Like a great big crane?

NICK: Yes.

ME: You think it might be making my stomach hurt?

NICK: No. Someone left a crane in my office last time and I wanted to see if you left the crane.

ME: Oh. No, my crane is still at home.

NICK: I see. What seems to be the trouble?

ME: My stomach hurts.

NICK: Hold on. I have to go get my tools. (Leaves for a moment, comes back with toy power drill)

ME: Oh, my God. What are you going to do with that?

NICK: Say “Ah.”

ME: AAAAAHHHHHHH… Um… don’t actually stick that in my mouth, okay Nick?

NICK: I’m not! Okay. I see the problem. Let me feel your tummy.

ME: Okay.

NICK: I see the problem. The problem is, you’ve got a small rubber tire.

ME: A rubber tire?

NICK: Yes, Mr. White. It’s around your tummy.

ME: What do I do about it?

NICK: Just sit down and relax and wait for it to die.

ME: Thank you, Doctor.

 

1.

ME: Has Nick had breakfast?

ALLISON: He sat in a bowl of fruit. Does that count?

2.

ME: (cheerfully) Hey, Al! Come here!

AL: What’s up?

ME: I just cut my finger.

AL: Why are you whispering?

ME: I don’t want to scare Nick. I was cutting a block of cheese and I cut my finger. My God.

AL: How bad is it?

ME: I don’t know. Really bad. Ow.

NICK: You okay dad?

ME: YES! I’M FINE! NO NEED TO WORRY!

AL: Okay. Is your finger still there?

ME: (checking) Yes.

AL: Do you need stitches?

ME: No. I think it’s too jagged and flappy. (cough, cough)

AL: Why are you coughing?

ME: Because the cheese had cayenne pepper in it and I think when I cut it, I also inhaled some of the cayenne pepper. (cough, cough)

AL: Okay. Well I have more bad news.

ME: What?

AL: The only band-aids in the house have Spider-man or Dinosaur Train on them.

3.

ALLISON: Nick! Did you just throw that shoe at daddy?

NICK: I’m sorry.

ALLISON: We do not throw things! We have talked about this many times, young man!

NICK: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

ALLISON: Apologize to daddy.

NICK: I’m sorry can I go outside now?

ALLISON: You cannot go outside. You’re in time out.

NICK: BUT I WANT TO GO OUTSIDE! I DON’T WANT TO BE IN TIME OUT!

ALLISON: You should have thought about that before you threw a shoe at daddy.

NICK: DADDYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!

ME: Sorry, buddy. We don’t throw things at people. You’ve got to learn to control yourself.

NICK: BUT I WANT TO GO OUTSIDE! I WANT TO GO OUTSIDE!!!!!! IT’S GONNA BE NIGHT TIME AND I GONNA MISS IT!!! WE NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO DO ANYTHING BECAUSE I’M IN TIME OUT AND THEN IT’S GONNA BE DARK AND I’LL HAVE TO GO TO BED! LOOK! LOOK! IT’S GETTING DARK! OH NO! IT’S GETTING DARK!

ME: (to AL) You okay?

ALLISON: I am not. I am not okay.

ME: You have those big crazy eyes you get when he’s been acting up all day.

NICK: I WANT TO GO OUTSIDE! I WANT TO GO OUTSIDE! I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE! I! GOT! TO! GET! OUT! OF! THIS! HOUSE!

ALLISON: I gotta get outta this house.

NICK: I GOTTA GET OUTTA THIS HOUSE!

ALLISON: I gotta get outta this house.

NICK: I GOTTA GET OUTTA THIS HOUSE!

ALLISON: I gotta get outta this house.

NICK: I GOTTA GET OUTTA THIS HOUSE!

ME: It’s possible all three of us are losing our minds.

ALLISON: He was like this after school, he was like this during his check-up…

ME: Oh, right! How did that go?

NICK: I GOTTA GET OUTTA THIS HOUSE!

ALLISON: He’s in the 98th percentile for weight, the 99th percentile for height and the 128th percentile in mother effing crazy!

 

NICK: Daddy, read me the dinosaur book WHILE I IN THE BATHTUB!

ME: Okay. So…whoa…this is a picture of a T-rex fighting another dinosaur. Bleah.

NICK: What he doing?

ME: Well…um…he’s biting the other dinosaur on the neck.

NICK: Why?

ME: Well… they’re fighting and he’s trying to…to… kill the other dinosaur.

NICK: Kill?

ME: Yes.

NICK: Daddy? You’re not supposed to say bad words in public.

ME: What bad word did I say?

NICK: Kill. It’s a bad word.

ME: That’s true. It is a bad word.

NICK: And you can’t say it in public. BUT YOU CAN SAY IT IN THE BATHROOM!

ME: Okay.

NICK: Daddy?

ME: Yes.

NICK: If a dinosaur came in this house, I would fight him.

ME: You would?

NICK: Yes.

ME: How would you fight him?

NICK: I would get a great big vacuum and I would FSSSSSHHHHH! suck him up in it!

ME: That’s a good idea. Then what would you do?

NICK: Then Jessie would fight him.

ME: Our dog wouldn’t be much of a match for a dinosaur. What would you do then?

NICK: (Strokes chin. Thinks a bit.) I’d call grampa. He can fix EVERYTHING!

ALLISON: I can’t believe these balloons from your birthday party are still floating around.

NICK: Let’s take them outside, guys!

ALLISON: Okay, but don’t let them go. Hold onto them.

NICK: *sigh* Okay, mom. I will!

*Five Minutes Later*

ALLISON: You know what?

ME: What?

ALLISON: If you had asked me to come up with an image or metaphor for the end of summer…

ME: Yeah?

ALLISON: For the end of Nick’s early, childhood, halcyon days…

ME: It would be this?

ALLISON: Yes.

ME: We’d be lying in the grass like this, each of us holding a helium balloon.

ALLISON: Yep.

NICK: Is Summer over?

ME: ‘Fraid so, buddy. Did you have a good Summer?

NICK: Uh-huh. (pause) Summer is dying.

ALLISON: Yeah, it’s kind of…

NICK: *cough* *cough* IT’S DYING, MOMMY! OH NO! *cough* *cough* SUMMER IS DYING! AAAAGGGGHHH! SUMMER IS DYING!

ME: Nick has not yet learned when he’s inside of a metaphor.

ALLISON: No.

NICK: Oh, no!

ALLISON: Oops!

NICK: My balloon!

ALLISON: Quick! Run after it! Try to catch it!

(Nick gets up and runs after his balloon but it quickly floats away over the houses)

NICK: How we get it back?

ME: I don’t think we can, buddy.

NICK: Maybe it will go to the ocean. Maybe it will go to Cape May and we can go there and find it.

ALLISON: I think it’s gone, buddy.

NICK: Where does it go?

ALLISON: We don’t know. The wind is just going to blow it somewhere.

NICK: We can get in the car and go get it.

ME: I’m sorry, pal. There’s no way to get it.

NICK:  It’s a mystery and we just have to follow the clues!

ALLISON: Let’s just say it’s going to float away.

NICK: Okay. Well… IT’S OKAY. DON’T BE SAD, GUYS! KNOW WHY?

ALLISON: Why?

NICK: CAUSE I THINK… KNOW WHAT? I THINK SOMEONE’S GONNA FIND IT AND THEY WILL REMEMBER US!

ME: Maybe.

ALLISON: Come here.

(Allison hugs Nick)

NICK: I think we should go inside now. I don’t want the other balloons to fly away yet.

ALLISON: Good idea.