CONVERSATIONS WITH NICK ABOUT THE WENTZVILLE TREES

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NICK: What’s that?

ME: That’s a picture of my old high school?

NICK: Dad? Why’s it so dirty?

ME: Well, there used to be these big tall trees inside the cafeteria but some kids stole them.

NICK: Why?

ME: They thought it would be funny to take them as a joke.

NICK: It’s a joke?

ME: Yeah. I’m not sure I get it. It’s called a prank, but this was kind of a lame prank. Anyway, they broke into the school at night and stole the trees that have been there for 30 years, ever since I was a kid.

NICK: They’re robbers?

ME: Yeah. They weren’t robbers before they stole the trees. But then they decided to be robbers. Now, they’re robbers.

NICK: THEY WOULDN’T HAVE BROKEN THE RULES AT MY SCHOOL!

ME: Yeah? What are the rules at your school?

NICK: DON’T RUN, CHRIS-CROSS APPLESAUCE, AND RESPECT EVERYBODY!

ME: These guys definitely did not chris-cross applesauce when they should have.

NICK: Okay, dad…don’t look. (runs away)

ME: Where are you going?

NICK: DON’T LOOK! LOOK AT YOUR COMPUTER!

ME: Okay…

(Nick returns, dressed in his army vest and helmet)

NICK: Okay, sir! What seems to be the problem?

ME: Oh, well some kids stole the trees at my old high school.

NICK: IF I GO THERE, I WILL CATCH THEM BECAUSE I AM ARMY!

ME: Very good. I hope you catch them!

NICK: THEY SHOULD RESPECT EVERYBODY!

ME: I agree.

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CONVERSATIONS WITH NICK ABOUT HOW HE CAN DO IT HIMSELF

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NICK: Dad?

ME: Yes.

NICK: Go outside. Close the door.

ME: Why?

NICK: I can do it by myself.

ME: You’re gonna take your bath by yourself?

NICK: Yes. Go outside and shut the door. I need my privacy.

ME: Okay.

NICK: But just sit in the hall. Don’t go away.

ME: Okay.

NICK: But shut the door.

ME: Okay.

(Door closes. Sounds of rustling around come from the bathroom.)

NICK: Why…won’t…you…come…off…stupid…shirt!!!???

ME: Nick? Do you need any help?

NICK: No! I can take off my shirt all by myself!

ME: Okay. It just sounded like you were having some trouble.

NICK: I’m not! I’m not having any trouble!

ME: Okay. Just let me know if you need anything.

NICK: Sit in the hall but not too far away!

ME: Okay.

NICK: (to himself) Ow! Ow. Too hot, too hot, too hot…

ME: Nick, do you need me to adjust the water for you? Is it too hot?

NICK: No! I can do it!

ME: Okay.

(Many minutes pass. Nick plays with boats)

NICK: I’m a pirate, I’m a pirate…Hello, Batman. Are you a pirate? No! I’m Batman! Okay. I’m a pirate! Okay, then you must fight me. Uh! Uh! Punch, punch!

ME: You okay in there?

NICK: Yeah, I’m okay!

ME: It’s just about time to get out.

NICK: Okay, but dad?

ME: Yeah?

NICK: I can brush my teeth by myself.

ME: If you say so.

NICK: I CAN!

ME: Okay, okay. I believe you.

NICK: (to himself) Dumb toothpaste. Come on, dumb toothpaste!

ME: Nick, do you –

NICK: No!

ME: ‘Kay.

(Nick opens door)

ME: You ready for bed?

NICK: I want to put on my pajamas by myself.

ME: Sure.

NICK: Don’t come in my room!

ME: I won’t.

NICK: Stay in the hall!

ME: Okay.

NICK: But not too far away! Just right there!

ME: Okay.

(pause)

NICK: Okay, you can come in.

ME: Your pants are on backwards.

NICK: NO THEY’RE NOT!

ME: Your pants are totally on backwards.

NICK: AAAAAAHHHHHGGGG! I CAN DO! IT! MY! SELF!

ME: I’m sure you can. Do you want to take them off and turn them around?

NICK: No!

ME: You just want to wear them backwards!

NICK: Yeah!

ME: Fine with me. You want me to read you a book?

NICK: Yeah, but dad?

ME: Uh-huh.

NICK: Don’t get on the bed with me. Just sit on the floor.

ME: Okay.

NICK: And then you lay down on the floor when I go to sleep.

ME: I’m not laying on your floor.

NICK: Yes, dad!

ME: No way. I’ll read you a book from here but if I lie on your floor, I’ll never be able to get up.

NICK: Okay. Then dad…know what? After you read a book, then go into mommy’s office.I can go to sleep by myself.

ME: All right.

NICK: But don’t go too far away.

ME: I won’t.

Conversations with Nick about how Batman and Robin are going to put out the fire and save everyone on that carousel.

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Scene I – Batman and Robin are at a carousel. There are people riding it and it’s on fire!
Batman (NICK): Robin!
Robin (ME): What is it, Batman?
Batman: The carousel is on fire!
Robin: Oh, no! How did it catch on fire?
Batman: I think, Robin… know what? I think there was a smoker!
Robin: Oh, no. This is why you shouldn’t smoke on the carousel!
Batman: Yeah! Robin, get me some signatures!
Robin: Of who?
Batman: What?
Robin: Whose signatures do you need?
Batman: To put out the fire! I need signatures!
Robin: Extinguishers!
Batman: Extinguishers!
Robin: Where should I get them?
Batman: Party City! Get eight of them!
Robin: I’ll be right back!

SCENE II – Party City
Robin: Hi! I need eight extinguishers! Thanks!

SCENE III – The carousel
Robin: Here you go, Batman! I brought the extinguishers! How’s the fire?
Batman: I put it out with sand!
Robin: Great! But now there are people trapped on the carousel! How will we get them down?
Batman: I don’t know! They need food! Go to WaWa!
Robin: What should I get?
Batman: Sandwiches with turkey, avocado and pickles!
Robin: How many?
Batman: Wait, I have to count! One, two, three, four, seven, sixteen, seventeen, twenty, twenty-one, twenty-three!
Robin: So twenty-three sandwiches from WaWa! Turkey with avocado and pickles! Tell everyone it’s going to be okay!
Batman: It’s going to be okay! We’re bringing you sandwiches!

Scene IV – WaWa
Robin: I need twenty-three sandwiches! Turkey with avocado and pickles!
(Batman enters)
Batman: And get some smoothies!
Robin: And twenty-three smoothies!

Scene V – The carousel
Robin: Did you get them down Batman?
Batman: No. It needs a new motor.
Robin: How will we get the food to the people?
Batman: Go up in the Bat-Copter and put it on a rope!
Robin: Okay!

Scene VI
(Robin goes up in the helicopter and lowers food to everyone)
Robin: Here are some turkey sandwiches with avocado and pickles!
Trapped People: Thanks!

Scene VII
Robin: Did you fix the motor?
Batman: No! I need a new motor!
Robin: Where should I get it?
Batman: WaWa has motors!
Robin: Okay! I feel like I’m doing all the work!
Batman: Yeah!

Scene VIII – The WaWa
Robin: Hi! I need a motor!
(Batman enters)
Batman: And more sandwiches!
Robin: And twenty-three more sandwiches with turkey and avocado and pickles! But remember the motor!

Scene IX – The Carousel
Robin: Here’s the motor!
Batman: Thank you!
Robin: Can you put it in?
Batman: I need a screwdriver!
Robin: You’re going to make me go somewhere to buy a screwdriver, aren’t you?
Batman: Go to Party City!

Scene X – Party City
Robin: Hi! I need a screwdriver that fixes motors! Thanks!

Scene XI – The Carousel
Robin: Here’s the screwdriver! Now can you fix the motor?
Batman: Yeah! (pause) Okay, I fixed it!
Robin: Yay! Now all the people can get down! Nice job, Batman!
Batman: High-Five!

CONVERSATIONS WITH NICK ABOUT NINJAS

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NICK: Dad! Come here!

ME: Where are you?

NICK: In the potty!

ME: Oh. Are you okay?

NICK: Yeah!

ME: What do you need?

NICK: Bring me my ninjas!

ME: Your what?

NICK: Bring me my ninjas so I can look at them while I go potty!

ME: You bet. Where are they?

NICK: They’re on the stairs! There’s a ninja on every stair! There’s one on the bottom stair, then another one above that, then another ninja and another ninja, then one in the middle and then another one in the middle and then one on the top and then another one on the top! Go to the stairs and pick up the ninjas from all the stairs! There’s a red one and a yellow one and a green one and a blue one and another blue one! Look for the colors and pick up the ninjas! Then bring them to me in the potty!

ME: Sure.

(One minute later)

ME: Here you go.

NICKS Thanks dad. Put them down right there.

ME: Done. Need anything else?

NICK: Yes, now go away and close the door because I need my privacy.

TEACHING PLAYWRITING IN HIGH SCHOOLS

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STUDENT NUMBER ONE

ME: So what have you got?

STUDENT 1: Nothing.

ME: Who’s your main character?

STUDENT 1: I don’t know.

ME: What’s his name?

STUDENT 1: John. No…wait… (long pause) No, it’s John I guess.

ME: Where does he live?

STUDENT 1: I don’t know.

ME: What city?

STUDENT 1: I don’t know.

ME: When he wakes up in the morning, what’s the first thing John sees?

STUDENT 1: Nothing.

ME: Okay, so John is blind. Good start. Write that down.

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STUDENT NUMBER TWO

ME: What’s your play called?

STUDENT 2: “Pole Hoes.”

ME: What’s it about?

STUDENT 2: Pole hoes.

ME: You mean like, strippers?

STUDENT 2: Yeah.

ME: What happens to them?

STUDENT 2: They get abortions.

ME: Abortions, huh?

STUDENT 2: Cause one girl, she get raped.

ME: Ah. You wrote “rapped” here instead of “raped.”

STUDENT 2: I did?

ME: “Someone help me!” she says. “I’ve been rapped.”

STUDENT 2: I gotta change it?

ME: Yes. But you can wait until you type it.

STUDENT 2: I gotta type it?

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STUDENT NUMBER THREE

ME: So what are you writing about?

STUDENT 3: It’s about a boy, he’s fighting with his grandfather.

ME: Cool. What about?

STUDENT 3: Well his name is Axel and he’s supposed to save the world but he doesn’t want to.

ME: How is he supposed to save the world?

STUDENT 3: That’s his destiny. But he’s angry so he wants to destroy it instead of saving it.

ME: Why is he angry?

STUDENT 3: His mom died.

ME: So why are you writing about his fight with his grandfather?

STUDENT 3: Because I lost it.

ME: What do you mean?

STUDENT 3: I wrote it and it was great but I lost it when it fell out of my notebook so I need to rewrite it.

ME: What notebook.

STUDENT 3: This notebook. I’ve been writing this.

ME: Wait…every page is filled. How long have you been working on this?

STUDENT 3: About two years. And I wrote the scene with the grandfather but the pages fell out and I lost them. Man, that was a bad day.

ME: You’re writing a novel.

STUDENT 3: I guess. It’s just a story.

ME: Can I read it?

STUDENT 3: Yeah. I guess. I’m nervous.

ME: Why?

STUDENT 3: No one’s ever seen that before.

ME: You’ve never shown anyone this notebook?

STUDENT 3: Just my mom.

ME: So…what happens in this story?

STUDENT 3: Axel is supposed to save the world. That’s what all the prophecies say. But a Sage murdered his mom and his grandfather never told him. So now he told him so Axel gets angry and doesn’t want to save the world anymore. So he goes out to the woods to kind of think and be alone. He has to figure out what he wants to do.

ME: Has your mom read this?

STUDENT 3: Yeah. She says she loves how words just flow right out of my pencil.

ME: Have you made a copy of this notebook?

STUDENT 3: No.

ME: Okay. Well the first thing we’re going to do is go to the office and make copies of every page. I’ll keep the copies safe so if you ever lose the notebook, you can just as me, okay?

STUDENT 3: Okay.

ME: So is this what you want to do? Writing?

STUDENT 3: Yeah. I love it. I write all the time. I think about it all the time. Because Axel, you know, it’s like…he’s me. I’m writing about myself.

ME: That’s usually how it works. How old are you?

STUDENT 3: Sixteen.

ME: Do you want to be a writer?

STUDENT 3: I want to get really, really good at it. Because I know I can’t make any money off it unless I’m really, really good. And I hope I make some money but really that’s not why I do it. It’s not about the money. I write because I love it. And I just want to keep writing until it’s perfect. So people will read it. I want to be known.

CONVERSATIONS WITH NICK ABOUT HELL

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NICK: Daddy, know what?

ME: What?

NICK: You know in that soldier video?

ME: Which one?

NICK: The stop motion soldiers on YouTube.

ME: Ah. Yes.

NICK: Know what? They say a bad word. They say “Damn.”

ME: Yeah. Well, the important thing is not to say those words in school or around guests or anything. If you want to ask me and mommy about bad words, you can. But we don’t say bad words that might hurt people’s feelings.

NICK: But you know what? They also say “WHAT THE HELL?”

ME: I see.

NICK: What does that mean?

ME: What does “What the hell” mean?

NICK: Yeah.

ME: Well…it’s kind of like when people say “What in the world?” You know, like… “What in the world happened here?” Except “world” isn’t a bad word.

NICK: What is a bad word?

ME: Well…”hell” is a bad word.

NICK: What does it mean?

ME: What does hell mean?

NICK: Yeah.

ME: Well…uh…phew…um…hell is, like… it’s a place.

NICK: Where is it?

ME: It’s nowhere.

NICK: Can we go there?

ME: No. I mean…hell is not real. It’s not real. Hell is not a real place.

NICK: But where is it?

ME: It’s nowhere. Hell is not real.

NICK: It’s from a story?

ME: Yes. People talk about Hell in stories.

NICK: Have you read the book with the story?

ME: I’ve probably read the whole book, just not in the right order.

NICK: But what is it then?

ME: Hell?

NICK: Yeah.

ME: Well…like I said…it’s a place…but it’s a pretend place. It’s not real. People just made it up to scare other people.

NICK: Why?

ME: Well…to scare them. To get them to…act a certain way, I guess.

NICK: What does it look like?

ME: It’s really hot. Like it has fire in it.

NICK: Fire?

ME: Yes, but again…not real. So you don’t have to be afraid of it.

NICK: Why they say it to scare people?

ME: That’s a good question. People used to say things about hell to scare people so they wouldn’t be bad.

NICK: Why?

ME: Well, they liked to talk about how bad people go to hell.

NICK: Why?

ME: Because…you know what? It doesn’t matter. Hell isn’t real. We should do good things and be nice to people because we want to be nice. Not because we’re afraid of hell.

NICK: I want to see a picture.

ME: Oh… I don’t know.

NICK: Please??? I want to see a picture of Hell.

ME: There’s nothing to see, really. I mean it’s fire and rock and stuff.

NICK: Like a volcano.

ME: Yeah, kind of. If you’ve seen a volcano, that’s basically Hell.

NICK: So why do they say “What the hell?”

ME: I’ve got no freaking idea.

CONVERSATIONS WITH NICK ABOUT DEAD PEOPLE

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NICK: Dad?

ME: Yes.

NICK: Have you ever seen anybody die?

ME: Hmmm…No, I haven’t. I’ve never watched anyone die.

NICK: Have you seen people that were already dead?

ME: Yeah. Like at funerals and things.

NICK: What’s that?

ME: Well, when someone dies they put them in a kind of box. It’s like a little bed. And then people look at the person and they say goodbye.

NICK: You saw them?

ME: Several times, yeah.

NICK: Tell me what their skeletons looked like.

ME: I didn’t see their skeletons. They still have their skin and everything.

NICK: What do you see?

ME: They have clothes on. They just look like their sleeping.

NICK: But they’re dead.

ME: Yeah.

NICK: Dad? I’m scared of things that could kill you.

ME: Like what?

NICK: Meteorites.

ME: You don’t have to be scared of meteorites.

NICK: That’s what killed the dinosaurs. And the book says that the meteorites will come again.

ME: Maybe, but not for a really, really long time. Long after we’re all gone.

NICK: We’ll be dead?

ME: Yeah.

NICK: Yeah. And probly all our friends and everyone in our family will be dead.

ME: Yeah.

NICK: And probly even everyone from my t-ball team will be dead.

ME: Yes.

NICK: So I shouldn’t be afraid of meteorites.

ME: No.

NICK: I’m not afraid of them, then.

ME: That’s good because I’m kind of a basket case, right now.

CONVERSATIONS WITH NICK ABOUT THE GOOD JOB HE DID

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ALLISON: Nick?

NICK: Mmm-hmm.

ALLISON: I just want to tell you something.

NICK: Mmm-hmm.

ALLISON: I watched you at school after I dropped you off this morning. And you remember how all the boys were in the group playing with the Bristle Blocks?

NICK: Yeah.

ALLISON: Well I thought you did a really good job working your way into the group. Everyone was playing by themselves and you just went right up and asked if you could play and you joined the group and played right along with them. You know?

NICK: Uh-huh.

ALLISON: Well that was really good! You didn’t get upset because you couldn’t figure out what to do. You figured out how to join the group.

NICK: Yeah.

ALLISON: That can be really hard to do, sometimes, but you did a good job.

NICK: Then can I have a doughnut?

ALLISON: No. Sometimes, we do good things just for the sake of doing good things. There doesn’t have to be a reward for everything. Sometimes figuring out the right thing to do is your reward.

NICK: No, I want a doughnut.

CONVERSATIONS WITH NICK ABOUT HOW HE’S A STATUE

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NICK: Daddy! Come here!

ME: What do you – whoa. Okay. You’re naked and sitting on the toilet with a toy rifle*.

NICK: Come here!

ME: Are you okay?

NICK: I have a joke!

ME: I’m terrified. What’s the joke?

NICK: Go get mommy and tell her you have a present for her and then bring her here and say “surprise” and tell her I’m a new toy.

ME: This is a great idea. Allison?

ALLISON: What?

ME: Come here, please.

ALLISON: What is – whoa. Okay. You’re all naked on the potty, buddy.

ME: And he has a rifle.

ALLISON: And he has a rifle. Why is he so still? He’s not moving.

ME: Allison! Look! I have a surprise for you!

ALLISON: I love surprises! Whatever could it be?

ME: This is your new toy! It’s a statue!

ALLISON: I love statues! Did you make it?

ME: Yes! Carved it myself. I call it…”Naked boy on potty with rifle!”

ALLISON: It’s so life-like!

NICK: SURPRISE!!!!

ALLISON: Oh my God! The statue talked!

NICK: IT’S ME, MOM! IT’S NICK!

ALLISON: Nick? I’m so shocked and pleased!

NICK: Okay, daddy? Do it again. Mommy, go out and daddy bring her in and say “I have a new toy for you.”

ME: Okay.

ALLISON: I’ll go back to my office.

ME: Cool. Okay. Allison! Come here!

ALLISON: What is it? I – Goodness! It’s a naked boy on the potty with a rifle!

ME: It’s your new toy!

NICK: Tee-hee-hee.

ALLISON: A new toy? Is it a statue?

NICK: Hee-hee-hee…

ME: It is. I call it “Nude boy with rifle!”

NICK: Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee…

ALLISON: It’s moving! It almost looks like it’s laughing!

NICK: Hee-hee-hee-heeheeheeheehee!

ME: I made it that way. It’s a laughing nude boy rifle statue!

NICK: HAHAHAHAHAHA! YOU GUYS ARE CRACKING ME OUT!

*It’s not a real-looking rifle. It’s a carved piece of wood in a sort-of gun shape. He got it from the Old Barracks in Trenton. So just settle down.

CONVERSATIONS WITH NICK ABOUT T-BALL AND THE GIRL NEXT DOOR

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NICK: Daddy?

ME: Yes.

NICK: I want a trophy.

ME: A trophy. You mean like the kind you saw at t-ball practice?

NICK: Yeah.

ME: Those are really big trophies.

NICK: Yeah! Can I get one today?

ME: No. Those are for the little league team. They’re a bit older than you. You have to play t-ball, first and then you can play baseball when you get older.

NICK: I want a trophy.

ME: Well…it takes practice, bud. You have to practice and work and get good at something before you get –

NICK: CAN WE GO OUTSIDE?

ME: Uh…I guess. Why?

NICK: I HEAR MY GUYS OUTSIDE!

ME: Oh. You mean Janie and Paula? They might just be playing on their porch, buddy. They don’t always come outside in the yard and play.

NICK: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE! MAYBE THEY’LL SEE ME AND COME OUT AND PLAY!

ME: Uh…okay…I just…you know they might be doing a family activity and if that’s the case we don’t want to interrupt –

NICK: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE!

ME: Okay. Okay…Wait! Don’t just run outside! Wait until I…!

NICK: (outside) HEY, YOU GUYS!

JANIE: Hi, Nick!

(long pause)

ME: What are they doing?

NICK: They’re just playing on the porch. They won’t come outside.

ME: Yeah. It looks like their grandpa is visiting. Let’s not bother them if they’re spending time with their grandpa.

NICK: Oh, maaaan…Can’t I just go over there?

ME: No. The door to their porch is closed, Nick. They’re on the other side of the fence. If you went in there, it would be like just walking into their house.

NICK: Oh, maaaaan…

ME: I know, buddy. You can play with them some other time.

NICK: But…but…

ME: Oh, bud. You don’t need to cry. It’s okay.

NICK: I just wanted to play with them.

ME: I know.

NICK: Because I never get to play with them.

ME: You do sometimes. But look…Janie is a little older than you. She’s seven. So sometimes she has to do things that seven year-olds do, you know?

NICK: But I don’t have anyone to play with.

ME: You can play with them later. Some other day.

NICK: But I want to play now.

ME: Nick…don’t cry. It’s really…it’s okay…

JANIE: Hey, Nick!

(pause)

ME: Say hi.

NICK: Hi.

JANIE: If I throw the ball over the fence, you catch it and then throw it to me over the fence!

NICK: Okay!

JANIE: Here!

(Throws ball over fence)

JANIE: Did you see it?

NICK: Yeah!

JANIE: Throw it back!

NICK: Okay!

JANIE: Hang on! I’m gonna stand on this thing so I can see you over the fence!

NICK: Okay!

JANIE: Hi, Nick!

NICK: Hi! Do you want to see something?

JANIE: Okay!

NICK: I have to go get a thing!

ME: Nick, where are you going…? Uh…Hi, Janie.

JANIE: Hi.

ME: Nick is just going to our porch to get…something…I don’t know…

NICK: I’m getting my t-ball stuff!

ME: Oh.

NICK: Wanna see me hit the ball?

JANIE: Yeah!

(Nick sets up tee, puts ball on tee)

JANIE: I’ll cheer for you! Yay! Go, Nick! Go, Nick!

(Nick hits ball off tee)

JANIE: Yay!

NICK: I’m really, really awesome at it!

JANIE: I know! C’mere!

NICK: What?

JANIE: C’mere! I wanna give you a pine cone!

NICK: Okay.

JANIE: Here it is! Here’s your pine cone!

NICK: Thanks.

JANIE: I gotta go in, now. Bye!

NICK: Bye!

ME: Well. How ’bout that?

NICK: Got a trophy.