Author: davidleewhite44

NICK: Dad?

ME: Yes.

NICK: Do I have to wash my hair?

ME: Yes.

NICK: I don’t want to.

ME: You have to.

NICK: Why?

ME: Because I should have washed it days ago but I wasn’t emotionally prepared and now it smells funny.

NICK: Okay, but can you do a puppet show?

ME: What?

NICK: Do a puppet show with my toys. Pleeeeeease…

ME: If I do a puppet show, will you let me wash your hair without complaining?

NICK: Uh-huh.

ME: Really?

NICK: Uh-huh.

ME: (sigh) Okay. (Grabs rubber duck – talks in high voice) “Hi, Nick! I’m a duck!”

NICK: No dad. The two frogs.

ME: Right. Okay. (Puts on the two hand puppets that look like frogs but are also wash clothes and were made by some mad genius) “Hello, Nick!” “Hello, Nick!” “I’m Freddy Frog!” “And I’m Gretchen Frog!” “Are you gonna wash your hair tonight?”

NICK: No.

ME: “But Nick, you have to! Right Gretchen?” “Right Freddy!” “Your dad is gonna wash your hair and you should cooperate because of all the toys he buys you!”

NICK: I’m not going to.

ME: “Okay, Nick! Then I’m just gonna get my whole body wet, like this, and get your hair wet – ”

NICK: Dad! Wait! Dad! I need a towel for my eyes! For my eyes!

ME: Okay, okay. Here.

NICK: I NEED A BIGGER TOWEL!

ME: Okay, okay.

NICK: Dad? Can you not put soap in it?

ME: I have to use soap, Nick. That’s what washing your hair means.

NICK: Okay. Okay. But can you not dump water on my head? Can you just use a towel to get out the soap?

ME: You already have the towel.

NICK: CAN YOU GET ANOTHER TOWEL?

ME: Hold on. (Leaves bathroom to get another towel)

NICK: DADDY WHERE DID YOU GO?

ME: I’m getting another towel!

NICK: I can’t see you!

ME: Take the towel off your eyes!

NICK: I’ll get soap in my eyes!

ME: I haven’t put soap on your head yet!

NICK: OKAY!

ME: Here’s another towel. Now I have to put the shampoo on.

NICK: ARE YOU DONE YET?

ME: I haven’t even started yet.

NICK: Okay. Hurry. Hurry.JUST PUT ON A LITTLE BIT!

ME: I just have to scrub a little bit, Nick.

NICK: IT’S IN MY EARS! I GOT SOAP IN MY EARS!

ME: I’ll clean it out, okay? I’ll clean it out.

NICK: NOW IT’S IN MY EYES, DAD! I NEED A TOWEL!

ME: YOU HAVE A TOWEL!

NICK: I NEED A DRY TOWEL!

ME: HOLD ON! (Leaves bathroom to get a dry towel)

NICK: DADDY! WHERE DID YOU GO?

ME: I’m getting you a towel!

NICK: I HAVE SOAP IN MY EYES!

ME: Here. Here’s a towel.

NICK: Are you done?

ME: No. I have to rinse the soap out of your hair.

NICK: NO!

ME: Nick, you can’t just go to bed with soap in your hair.

NICK: I WANT TO!

ME: Just let me rinse it. It will just take a second.

NICK: Okay. Okay. Hurry.

ME: Here we go…

NICK: DADDY! I NEED A TOWEL!

ME: YOU HAVE THREE TOWELS! WIPE YOUR EYES WITH ONE OF THOSE TOWELS!

NICK: IT’S WET, DAD! IT’S WET!

ME: I just need to rinse one more time.

NICK: NO, DAD!

ME: I HAVE TO!

NICK: DADDY, DADDY, DADDY!!!! (spit, sputter, cough, choke) IT’S IN MY MOUTH! I’M GONNA GET DEAD! IT’S GONNA MAKE ME GET DEAD!

ME: Oh, stop it.

NICK: PLEAH! PLEAH! PLEAH!

ME: Here. Wipe your eyes again.

NICK: Dad?

ME: Yes.

NICK: I don’t like washing my hair.

ME: Really? Because I freaking LOVE IT!

Today is my wife’s birthday. She’s an amazing person, a wonderful wife and a crackerjack mom. I bought her some nice things. One of them was this bag of cosmetics. I hope she likes it. Here’s how I wound up buying it…

AT THE OXFORD VALLEY MALL in Langhorne, PA

HER: Hello. Can I show you somezing?

ME: What?

HER: Are you Italian? You have Italian ice.

ME: Italian ice?

HER: I am sorry for my accent. Eyezzz. Eyezzz. What is your name?

ME: Uh…David.

HER: Hello, Dabid. My name is Lee (hocking sound) shelay (smaller hocking sound) Say it, can you?

ME: Lee (hocking sound) shelay (louder hocking sound)

HER: YOU ARE FUNNY, DABID! You have beautiful ice. Can I show you zomezing?

ME: I’m kind of busy…what do you want to show me?

HER: Come here.

ME: Why are you holding my hand? Oh, my God. This is the thing. This is the thing where you take me to your kiosk in the middle of the mall and try to sell me some weird cosmetics.

HER: You don’t have to buy. Don’t buy. Don’t buy nossing. Just smell.

ME: Really, I don’t want to – okay, that does smell nice.

HER: I put them in your bag.

ME: Don’t give me samples. Really. I’m not going to buy anything from you.

HER: I don’t want you to buy. I want to show you somezing.

ME: You’re still holding my hand. Am I under arrest?

HER: You are funny, Dabid. This is pumice. Look, see? I rub your fingernail with the blue side, now the white side,

ME: What are you doing to me?

HER: Now, ze grey side. Now look. It will be a surprise.

ME: Honestly, I’m not going to buy anything from you so hey that really made my fingernail shiny!

HER: Yez, you see?

ME: That’s like witchcraft. What did you do?

HER: I rub, rub, rub it. Now I put this lotion on your dry cuticles.

ME: My cuticles are fine. Really. I don’t need anything on my…oh, it’s tingling.

HER: What do you have in ze bag? Is it for a special woman?

ME: My wife, actually. It’s her birthday.

HER: SHE IS SUCH A LUCKY WOMAN!

ME: She really is.

HER: HAHAHAHAHA! YOU ARE SO FUNNY!

ME: Thank you. So…how much is the shiny fingernail thing. She might actually like that.

HER: It comes in ze kit with the cuticle oil and the bath scent.

ME: Oh, okay. Well before we go any further, how much is the whole thing?

HER: Just wait.

ME: No, no. Tell me how much it is.

HER: Smell zis.

ME: I don’t want to smell…hey that smells nice.

HER: Do you like zat better or zis?

ME: I don’t smell that second one at all.

HER: BECAUSE IT IZ TOO SUBTLE FOR YOU! YOU LIKE ZE BIG SEXY SMELL! YOU ARE ZEXY!

ME: Okay.

HER: Zis is shower scent you can put on each other when you take a big “Ooo la la” shower.

ME: I’m sorry. A big what?

HER: A big “ooo la la” shower.

ME: This actually does look nice. But seriously, how much is it?

HER: Twenty-nine, ninety-nine.

ME: Okay. That’s not bad. I’ll buy that.

HER: Give me your wrist.

ME: No, no…come one.

HER: I’M GOING TO RUB ZIS SALT LOTION ON YOUR WRIZT!

ME: I’m not going to buy it.

HER: You don’t buy. You don’t buy! See how I rub it on your wrist?

ME: What’s all that lumpy stuff?

HER: Dead skin. Zis exfoliates dead skin.

ME: Is this in the bag I just bought?

HER: Zis goes along with ze bag for an extra.

ME: So no, then. It’s not included.

HER: It takes off dead skin. It’s from ze dead sea. I am from Israel. Have you ever been to Israel?

ME: (pause) Sure.

HER: So you know ze dead sea?

ME: Every summer. It’s like Disneyworld to me.

HER: HAHAHAHAHA! YOU ARE SO FUNNY, DABID! Can you keep a secret?

ME: Nope.

HER: Really. Can you keep a secret?

ME: I can’t at all.

HER: Keep a secret.

ME: I need to just pay for this and go. Are you still holding my credit card? Give me back my credit card.

HER: Listen. Here is my secret. Ze man who waz just here? Look at zis receipt. Zis is how much he paid.

ME: Holy shit. Four hundred and twenty-four dollars???? He did look really sad as he was leaving. Did he actually want to buy all that stuff or did you throw pixie dust on him?*

HER: Zat is how much he paid. Do you know how much I’m going to give you ze bag and the dead sea salt for?

ME: Only three hundred fifty dollars?

HER: NO! Fifty dollars.

ME: That is definitely a better deal. I don’t know…

HER: Dabid, hold zis exfoliating salts. Now shake it.

ME: I don’t want to shake it.

HER: Shake it, Dabid.

ME: Look, I really just want to pay…

HER: SHAKE IT, DABID!

ME: I’M GOING TO SHAKE IT ON TOP OF YOUR HEAD!

HER: HAHAHAHA YOU ARE ZO FUNNY, DABID!

ME: Okay. You’re very good. You’re very good at this. Please just give me back my credit card. I’m not going to buy anything else.

HER: You no buy nothing. Look at zis. I want to show you zomething.

ME: No! I’m sure it’s totally wonderful and perfect. But I need to get away from you and your black magic for a minute and then if I want to come back I’ll come back.

HER: I want to show you one thing.

ME: No.

HER: You have blackheads under your ice, Dabid.

ME: I DO NOT!

HER: Yes, Dabid. Black heads.

ME: Well, cast a spell and make them go away, sorceress!

HER: YOU ARE FUNNIEST MAN I MEET TODAY, DABID!

ME: I AM BEGGING YOU TO LET ME GO!

HER: Your wife will love zis. She is special? You love her?

ME: Yes. I’m going to go home and give her shiny fingernails and soften her cuticles for fifty dollars. You have broken me. Please give me my credit card and let me go.

HER: Okay, Dabid. I will see you. Come back again, Dabid. You have nice Italian ice.

ME: And you are the wickedest, most impressive sales person I have ever seen in my life and I hate you.

*The man really did look sad. I’m not making that up. He was old and looked sad.

http://www.3news.co.nz/tvshows/campbelllive/elderly-woman-falls-victim-to-dead-sea-pressure-tactics-2014062517

http://specialtyretail.com/issue/2010/11/retailer-profiles/cover-stories/the_deep_sea_and_its_many_treasures/

http://www.timesofisrael.com/dead-sea-product-hawkers-skirt-law-decency/

NICK: Daddy?

ME: You should go to sleep, Nick. It’s late.

NICK: I can’t sleep.

ME: Close your eyes and, you know…try.

NICK: Daddy?

ME: Yes.

NICK: Tell me about Baxter.

ME: Well, Baxter was the dog we had before Jessie.

NICK: And he died?

ME: Yes.

NICK: How did he die?

ME: Nick, you really should just try to go to sleep. It’s ten o’clock.

NICK: Tell it. How did he die?

ME: Well… he was old. And he got sick.

NICK: How did he get sick?

ME: We don’t know. He had something wrong with his heart. He was falling down a lot so we took him to the vet and the vet said he was dying. Really, Nick, I don’t know that we want to…

NICK: How did the vet know he was going to die?

ME: Well… he looked at Baxter’s heart and could see that it was sick.

NICK: How?

ME: He took x-rays. He could see.

NICK: And then you and mommy watched Baxter die?

ME: Yes.

NICK: Why did you do that?

ME: Well… because we wanted him to know that we loved him.

NICK: What did it look like?

ME: It was peaceful. He just closed his eyes. It was like he fell asleep. (This is a lie that I have told my son. Baxter’s death was noisy and awful)

NICK: But then where did he go?

ME: We don’t know, buddy.

NICK: But where?

ME: I’m sorry, Nick. We really just don’t know.

NICK: Heaven?

ME: Heaven. Yes. Okay. Heaven.

NICK: But heaven is just an idea.

ME: It is.

NICK: So what place did Baxter go?

ME: I don’t know.

NICK: Tell me answers.

ME: I don’t have any.

NICK: But why?

ME: Because we just don’t know. But I know that Baxter is okay.

NICK: How?

ME: NIck, I just don’t know.

NICK: But tell me where he went.

ME: (sigh) Okay. (pause) Okay. So… okay. A few nights after Baxter died… I fell asleep and I had this dream. But it was different from a normal dream.

NICK: How?

ME: I can’t explain it. Just listen. So I was in this house. It was like a really big… I don’t know how to describe it. It was like a mansion and it was full of books. And there were little kids everywhere. And this guy who looked like me but younger came up to me and asked me if I wanted to see Baxter. So I said “Yes,” and he took me to him. And Baxter was lying on a pillow and I put my hand on his chest. The guy said “He doesn’t know you’re here.” And I said “Is he okay?” And the guy said “Oh, sure. He’s fine. He’s just not completely awake yet. It’s hard to explain but it takes about two days.” This kind of made sense for some reason. So then the guy told me I could stick around and watch and gradually I saw Baxter kind of get up and walk around. He still didn’t know I was there. And then he started playing ball with the kids that were there. And I looked out the windows and there was all this grass and these trees and I thought this would be a good place for him once he got all his energy back. And then I had to leave. But I saw that Baxter was playing and I knew he was okay.

NICK: Daddy?

ME: Yes.

NICK: I feel like I’m getting tears.

ME: I’m Sorry, buddy. Maybe I shouldn’t have told you that. The point is…everything is going to be okay.

NICK: Baxter was in a house?

ME: It looked like a house.

NICK: Can we go there?

ME: No.

NICK: How did those kids get there? Are they dead?

ME: No. I think it was just a dream, buddy. I don’t think it means that Baxter is actually in that place. I think the dream was something telling me that everything was okay. That Baxter was okay. And that was really all I needed to know.

NICK: I want to go there.

ME: We can’t.

NICK: Where is it?

ME: I don’t know if it’s a real place, buddy.

NICK: AGGHHH!

ME: I know. I feel the same way. But look… the important thing is that we know Baxter is okay.

NICK: Daddy?

ME: Yes.

NICK: Do you miss Baxter?

ME: Every single day.

NICK: Is Jessie gonna die?

ME: Eventually. But not for a long time. The important thing is to enjoy spending time with her while she’s here.

NICK; When she dies, can we get another puppy?

ME: We’ll see.

NICK: Daddy?

ME: Yes.

NICK: I know what happened.

ME: What?

NICK: Don’t be sad, okay? Baxter’s heart fell asleep. But then it woke up. So you don’t have to be sad or miss him. Because his heart woke up.

(long pause)

ME: Thanks pal. We should go to sleep, okay?

NICK: Okay.

NICK: Daddy?

ME: Yes.

NICK: What does that sign say?

ME: “In case of fire, do not use the elevator. Use the stairs, where you will be chased by a giant ball of fire.”

NICK: A ball of fire?

ALLISON: Daddy is making a joke.

ME: Because that’s what the picture looks like. See?

ALLISON: Now he is going to have nightmares about being chased by balls of fire.

ME: Oh, he will not.

NICK: HELP! HELP! I’M BEING CHASED BY A BALL OF FIRE!

ALLISON: Nicholas!

NICK: THERE’S A BALL OF FIRE! HELP ME!

ME: Nick! Calm down!

NICK: FIRE! FIRE!

ALLISON: We do not yell fire in the hotel!

LATER…

NICK: Daddy?

ME: Yes.

NICK: Tell that joke about the ball of fire again.

ME: No, no.

NICK: Yes. Tell it.

ME: You already know how it goes.

NICK: I want you to tell it.

ME: *sigh* Okay, but you can’t freak out and yell.

NICK: I won’t.

ME: “In case of fire, do not take the elevator. Take the stairs. Where you will be chased by a ball of fire.”

NICK: HELP!!!!! THERE’S A BALL OF FIRE!!!! IT’S CHASING ME DOWN THE STAIRS!!!! HELP ME!!!!

ME: Nick! Nick! Nick! Be quiet! There are people sleeping!

ALLISON: Why, why, why did you tell him that again?

NICK: GO AWAY, BALL OF FIRE! GO AWAY FIRE!

ALLISON: Nicholas!

THE NEXT DAY…

NICK: Daddy, tell that joke.

ME: I’m not going to.

NICK: Please….?

ALLISON: Okay, we are on an airplane right now.

NICK: Tell that joke about the elevator and the fire. Tell it.

ME: No. You can’t control yourself.

NICK: Yes, I can.

ALLISON: I really don’t think you can.

NICK: YES I CAN!

ME: Sssshhhh…

NICK: Tell it.

ALLISON: Nick, calm down please. You’re disturbing the other passengers.

ME: Take it easy, pal.

NICK: FINE! FINE! HRRRMPH!

ME: Nick…

NICK: Daddy, pleeeeease…. tell it. Pleeeaaaase….

ME: Okay, but look… you can’t yell. Okay?

NICK: I promise. I won’t yell.

ALLISON: Don’t do it.

NICK: PLEEEEEAAAASSSSEEEE!!!!

ME: Okay! Okay… “In case of fire, do not take the elevator. Take the stairs.”

NICK: Tell it.

ME: “Where you will be chased by a giant ball of fire.”

(Pause, while Nick clenches his mouth shut)

NICK: Mmmmmmmph! MMMMPHHH!

ALLISON: Nick, stop thrashing around.

ME: Calm down, buddy.

NICK: FRRRBBLLLL! FFFRRRBBBBLLL!

ALLISON: Sit in your seat!

ME: Don’t stand up on the plane!

ALLISON: Sit down!

ME: Nicholas!

(Pause)

NICK: *Sigh.* Daddy?

ME: Yes.

NICK: Is that the best joke you ever told?

ME: It might be.