Author: davidleewhite44

ALLISON: Oh. Nick. I don’t know if that suit will fit.

NICK: I want to wear it.

ME: Buddy, don’t you think you’ll feel more comfortable in something else?

ALLISON: That suit is a little small.

NICK: I want to wear it.

ALLISON: I guess he will be wearing a graduation gown.

ME: It’s his pre-school graduation. I guess if he wants to wear the suit, let him wear the suit.

NICK: I do. I want to wear it.

ALLISON: You do look really good in it.

ME: As long as you don’t raise your arms and don’t move at all.

ALLISON: It’s really small, isn’t it.

ME: It’s pretty small, yeah.

NICK: I WANT TO WEAR IT!

ALLISON: Okay, okay. You can wear it. Do you think you’ll be hot?

NICK: No, mom.

ALLISON: Okay. Let’s just go, I guess.

******************

ONE HOUR LATER

ME: You see him?

ALLISON: He’s in back. I guess they’re gonna sing some songs, first.

ME: Oh, man listen to that. What song are they singing?

ALLISON: I can’t even tell. Something about raindrops or monkeys jumping on beds or something.

ME: Uh-oh.

ALLISON: What.

ME: He doesn’t look happy.

ALLISON: What’s he doing?

ME: Oh, God. He’s trying to get my attention.

ALLISON: Oh no. (whispering) It’s okay! Sing the song!

ME: He can’t…what are you doing? He can’t hear you.

ALLISON: He looks like he’s singing. But he’s not doing any of the hand motions.

ME: Something’s wrong. He’s not okay.

ALLISON: What should we do?

ME: I don’t know. (whispering) It’s okay, Nick! Just sing! Sing!

ALLISON: He can’t hear you!

ME: I know!

ALLISON: Is he okay?

ME: I don’t know!

ALLISON: Okay. Okay. He looks okay now that the song’s over.

ME: Good. That’s good. Phew.

***********

ONE HOUR LATER

ME: Hey, buddy!

NICK: Dad!

ALLISON: Congratulations!

NICK: Thank you!

ME: So bud…what was wrong during the song? You looked like you were upset about something.

NICK: IT’S THIS SUIT, DAD! IT’S TOO TIGHT! I COULDN’T RAISE MY ARMS!!!

NICK: Dad! Look!

ME: What is it?

NICK: A bug, dad!

ME: Ew. Gross.

NICK: Dad?

ME: Yes.

NICK: What would happen if I pulled down my pants and pooped on that bug?

ME: I don’t…I don’t know, Nick.

NICK: I KNOW WHAT WOULD HAPPEN! I WOULD MAKE IT DEAD! IT WOULD BE DEAD FROM THE POOP ON IT! I WOULD KILL THAT BUG WITH MY POOP! AND THEN I WOULD EAT IT!

ME: Stop, stop, STOP! Seriously, Nick! That’s enough! It’s too gross, okay? That is TOO GROSS! Oh my God! Little boys are so gross!

NICK: Okay. Dad?

ME: What?

NICK: Am I ever gonna have a baby bro –

ME: NO!!!

NICK: Dad?

ME: Yes.

NICK: What happens if our house gets struck by lightning?

ME: Well…it depends.

NICK: Will it catch on fire?

ME: It could.

NICK: What if a person gets struck by lightning? Will they catch on fire?

ME: I guess they could.

NICK OH! OH! I KNOW WHAT TO DO IF YOU CATCH ON FIRE!

ME: What?

NICK: DROP…STOP…AND ROLL!

ME: Excellent. Do you understand what that means?

NICK: No.

ME: Okay. Well, it means if you’re on fire, you should just stop where you are, drop to the ground, and roll around to put out the fire.

NICK: And then pour water on it.

ME: That’s not part of it.

NICK: But water puts out fire.

ME: I know… but… I guess it means don’t just wait around for someone to go get water. Start rolling around right away if you notice you’re on fire.

NICK: Then put water on the fire.

ME: Yes. Right. Unless there’s no water around.

NICK: Why?

ME: I don’t know. Like maybe you catch fire in an open field. Then you wouldn’t be around water.

NICK: I would have a bottle of water and I would pour it right on the fire.

ME: That’s good. But also, you could just roll around in the field to put out the fire.

NICK: And then the grass would catch on fire.

ME: That could happen, I guess.

NICK: If I catch on fire, I will be by a pool. Then I would just roll into the pool.

ME: That’s one option if you are definitely by a pool. But people aren’t always by pools when they catch fire.

NICK: Then they should drop, stop and roll and then I will shoot them with my water cannon.

ME: Okay, but what I’m saying is that there may not be a water cannon. And so the best thing you could do is just roll around and that might put out the fire.

NICK: I would still shoot everyone with a water cannon.

ME: That’s fine, but I’m saying there’s not always a fire cannon –

NICK :A FIRE CANNON???? WHAT’S A FIRE CANNON???

ME: I meant a water cannon.

NICK: HAHAHHAHA! YOU SAID FIRE CANNON!

ME: You know what I meant.

NICK: YOU CAN’T PUT OUT A FIRE WITH A FIRE CANNON!

ME: I KNOW!

ME: How’s your french toast?

NICK: Good.

ME: Stop trying to suck your french toast butter through your straw.

NICK: Dad?

ME: Yes.

NICK: Simon bit me twice on the arm.

ME: What?

NICK: Simon bit me twice on the arm!

ME: Why? Why did he bite you?

NICK: I’m just kidding! I bit myself!

ME: Why did you bite yourself?

NICK: I don’t know. I did it twice.

ME: Nick,seriously,  do NOT suck your french toast butter through your straw.

NICK: But I want to.

ME: Don’t do it.

NICK: Dad?

ME: Yes.

NICK: Donatello rode his skateboard at school today.

ME: Donatello? The Ninja Turtle?

NICK: Yes.

ME: What was he doing at your school?

NICK: I don’t know. Dad?

ME: Yes.

NICK: What if a big, dumb lady broke into our house and hit me and then the police came and SHOT HER IN THE BACK?!

ME: Oh, my God! Nick…! Why…? Why would you even…  Why, why, why…?

NICK: Can I have some of your fries?

ME: Take them all.

NICK: I’m gonna put maple syrup on the them.

ME: That’s fine.

NICK: It wasn’t a ninja turtle on a skateboard. It was just Jimmy. I was making a joke.

NICK: Dad?

ME: Yes.

NICK: I had three dreams last night.

ME: What were they about?

NICK: The first one was about the Air Force. The second one was about ducks and then about birds.

ME: Ducks, huh?

NICK: Yeah.

ME: What did the ducks do?

NICK: I don’t know. I wasn’t really watching them because the TV was on.

ME: What was on the TV?

NICK: The Cartoon Network.

ME: So you were watching the Cartoon Network instead of the ducks.

NICK: Yeah.

ME: What was on the Cartoon Network?

NICK: Birds.

ME: I see. What were the birds doing?

NICK: They were just flying across the TV. Then the TV started spinning and spinning. It was a funny dream.

ME: And what about the dream about the Air Force? What was that dream about?

NICK: It was just about the Air Force.

NICK: When a person dies, does their house fall down?

ME: No. Even after someone dies, their house is still there.

NICK: Why?

ME: Well, houses don’t die. They can get torn down or something but they aren’t really alive.

NICK: So what happens to the houses?

ME: Well, sometimes if someone dies, their kids might move into the house and live there. Or they might sell the house to someone else.

NICK: Hmm.

ME: You like our house, don’t you?

NICK: Yeah.

ME: You want to live in it forever?

NICK: I don’t knooooww…

ME: You want us to find another house some day?

NICK: I just want to go where you and mommy go. I want to go with you guys.

ME: Oh, you will. We wouldn’t just leave you in the house.

NICK: Yeah. Because you know what? Little people can’t really take care of themself.

ME: You wouldn’t have to take care of yourself. Mommy and I would take you to the new house.

NICK: Yeah. Cause I can’t live out of the house until I’m like fifteen.

ME: I didn’t move out of my house until I was eighteen.

NICK: What? Wow. Dad?

ME: Yes.

NICK: Why did you marry mommy?

ME: I fell in love with her.

NICK: Why?

ME: Well, we went to dinner one night and I liked her and she liked me so we decided to go to dinner again. And then we…you know…just kept going to dinner. There were a lot of dinners. Eventually, we just started having dinner together all the time.

NICK: And then your mommy and daddy didn’t take care of you anymore because mommy took care of you.

ME: Well, we all take care of each other. That’s the way that’s supposed to work.

NICK: Well I’m not gonna get married. Even when I’m a grown up. I’m just gonna stay with you guys forever.

ME: Oh, I think someday you’ll meet someone you want to marry.

NICK: (sticks out tongue) PBFT!

ME: PBFT!

NICK: Dad?

ME: Yes.

NICK: Where do ticks come from?

ME: I don’t know, actually. I think they fall on you from trees.

NICK: Why?

ME: To suck your blood.

NICK: Why?

ME: That’s what they do. Blood is what they eat.

NICK: Do they eat anything else?

ME: I don’t think so. Just blood.

NICK: Dad. Know what?

ME: What?

NICK: Ticks won’t drink your blood if you have a blood test!

ME: What do you mean?

NICK: If you have a blood test outside, ticks would come and you would say “Get outta here, tick!”

ME: I don’t think you would have a blood test outside.

NICK: “If,” dad. “If” I said. I know you only have blood tests inside. But dad?

ME: Yes.

NICK: What if someone brought a tick inside to where you had the blood test?

ME: Why would someone do that?

NICK: Someone might just bring a tick to the blood test.

ME: But why?

NICK: Maybe the tick has to get a blood test.

ME: Ticks don’t get blood tests.

NICK: Maybe it’s a check-up. And someone brings in the tick and says “My tick is here for a check-up!”

ME: Then what does the doctor say?

NICK: He says “come over here, tick!” and then HE SMASHES THE TICK WITH A HAMMER!

ME: Oh, my.

NICK: Yeah but know what?

ME: What?

NICK: At night, the doctor comes home and sees a tick and says “What is this another tick?” but then the tick says “NO! I AM THE SAME TICK! MY NAME IS TRIMARCO JONES SEBASTIAN AND I SURVIVED AFTER ALL!”