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NICK: Daddy?

ME: Yes.

NICK: What does that sign say?

ME: “In case of fire, do not use the elevator. Use the stairs, where you will be chased by a giant ball of fire.”

NICK: A ball of fire?

ALLISON: Daddy is making a joke.

ME: Because that’s what the picture looks like. See?

ALLISON: Now he is going to have nightmares about being chased by balls of fire.

ME: Oh, he will not.

NICK: HELP! HELP! I’M BEING CHASED BY A BALL OF FIRE!

ALLISON: Nicholas!

NICK: THERE’S A BALL OF FIRE! HELP ME!

ME: Nick! Calm down!

NICK: FIRE! FIRE!

ALLISON: We do not yell fire in the hotel!

LATER…

NICK: Daddy?

ME: Yes.

NICK: Tell that joke about the ball of fire again.

ME: No, no.

NICK: Yes. Tell it.

ME: You already know how it goes.

NICK: I want you to tell it.

ME: *sigh* Okay, but you can’t freak out and yell.

NICK: I won’t.

ME: “In case of fire, do not take the elevator. Take the stairs. Where you will be chased by a ball of fire.”

NICK: HELP!!!!! THERE’S A BALL OF FIRE!!!! IT’S CHASING ME DOWN THE STAIRS!!!! HELP ME!!!!

ME: Nick! Nick! Nick! Be quiet! There are people sleeping!

ALLISON: Why, why, why did you tell him that again?

NICK: GO AWAY, BALL OF FIRE! GO AWAY FIRE!

ALLISON: Nicholas!

THE NEXT DAY…

NICK: Daddy, tell that joke.

ME: I’m not going to.

NICK: Please….?

ALLISON: Okay, we are on an airplane right now.

NICK: Tell that joke about the elevator and the fire. Tell it.

ME: No. You can’t control yourself.

NICK: Yes, I can.

ALLISON: I really don’t think you can.

NICK: YES I CAN!

ME: Sssshhhh…

NICK: Tell it.

ALLISON: Nick, calm down please. You’re disturbing the other passengers.

ME: Take it easy, pal.

NICK: FINE! FINE! HRRRMPH!

ME: Nick…

NICK: Daddy, pleeeeease…. tell it. Pleeeaaaase….

ME: Okay, but look… you can’t yell. Okay?

NICK: I promise. I won’t yell.

ALLISON: Don’t do it.

NICK: PLEEEEEAAAASSSSEEEE!!!!

ME: Okay! Okay… “In case of fire, do not take the elevator. Take the stairs.”

NICK: Tell it.

ME: “Where you will be chased by a giant ball of fire.”

(Pause, while Nick clenches his mouth shut)

NICK: Mmmmmmmph! MMMMPHHH!

ALLISON: Nick, stop thrashing around.

ME: Calm down, buddy.

NICK: FRRRBBLLLL! FFFRRRBBBBLLL!

ALLISON: Sit in your seat!

ME: Don’t stand up on the plane!

ALLISON: Sit down!

ME: Nicholas!

(Pause)

NICK: *Sigh.* Daddy?

ME: Yes.

NICK: Is that the best joke you ever told?

ME: It might be.

ME: So this is kind of different. You walk around the tables, take what you want and put it on your plate.

NICK: I WANT EVERY FOOD THAT I CAN SEE!

ME: You can take a little bit of a bunch of different things if you want to.

NICK: I WANT TO!

ME: I don’t think you want to eat everything, though. You probably won’t want the octopus.

NICK: I WANT TO SEE THE OCTOPUS!

ME: Not so loud, okay? Here’s the octopus, right here.

NICK: Is it dead?

ME: No. It is a living, breathing, octopus.

NICK: Nunh-uh. You’re just kidding.

ME: That’s right. The octopus is dead, dead, dead. And covered in black pepper.

NICK: *Cough!* *Cough”*

ME: Okay. Seriously, Nick? Cover your mouth. Do not cough on the octopus.

NICK: I WANT GREEN BEANS!

ME: Good choice. Anything else?

NICK: MELON!

ME: Anything else?

NICK: NO!

ME: Okay, let’s go back to the table. And stop shouting, okay?

NICK: OKAY, DAD! What’s that?

ME: That’s like a chocolate fountain.

NICK: A chocolate fountain?

ME: Yeah. But it’s right out there surrounded by grubby children so it’s kind of like a germ fountain.

ALLISON: Hi, guys. What did he get?

ME: Melon and green beans.

ALLISON: Could be worse.

NICK: I NOT GONNA EAT THE OCTOPUS EVEN THOUGH IT’S DEAD.

ALLISON: Lower your voice, Nick.

NICK: What did you get, daddy?

ME: I got crab legs.

NICK: How that crab die?

ME: Well… the fishermen caught it in a net.

NICK: But how did it die?

ME: I don’t know. Some stuff happened and then they cooked it and now I’m gonna eat it.

NICK: How?

ME: Well, you have to crack the leg open to get the meat.

NICK: Do it.

ME: Like this. See?

NICK: CRACK THE LEG, DADDY! GET ALL THE BLOOD OUT!

ALLISON: Seriously, Nick. Not so loud.

ME: I don’t think I can eat this.

ALLISON: Is it bad?

ME: No, I’m just… I’m losing my appetite.

ALLISON: How are the green beans, Nick?

NICK: DELICIOUS!

 

ME: Knock, knock.

NICK: Who’s there?

ME: Dwayne.

NICK: Dwayne who?

ME: Dwayne the bathtub! I’m dwowning!

NICK: HANG ON I GONNA GRAB YOU AND PULL YOU OUT OF THE TUB AND RESCUE YOU AND SAVE THE DAY!!!

ME: Excellent. Want me to teach you another one?

NICK: Uh-huh.

ME: Knock, knock.

NICK: Who’s there?

ME: Water.

NICK: Water who?

ME: Water you doing in there? Okay, now you do that one to me.

NICK: Knock, knock. Who’s there?

ME: No. Just say “knock, knock.”

NICK: Who’s there?

ME: No, you’re doing it wrong. Just say “knock, knock.”

NICK: Knock, knock.

ME: Who’s there? Now you say “Water.”

NICK: Water.

ME: Water who?

NICK: THERE’S WATER EVERYWHERE AND I STUCK IN THE TUB IN THE DRAIN AND I NEED HELP! HELP! I IN THE DRAIN AND GETTING SUCKED DOWN INTO THE PIPES! INTO THE PIPES!

Me: Outstanding. Nice work.

NICK: Dad?

ME: Yes, Nick.

NICK: You were born inside a butt.

(Really, really, really long pause)

ME: Wait… what?

NICK: You were born inside a butt. Yes, daddy. Yes you were.

ME: What are you talking about?

NICK: *sigh* I meeeeeaaaannnnn, when you were borned, you came out of someone’s butt!

ME: No, I didn’t.

NICK: Yes, you did. Like poo poo.

ME: Oh, my God. This is grossing me out so hard.

NICK: You were, daddy.

ME: People don’t come out of butts like poo poo.

NICK: Yes, daddy. Yes, they do.

ME: No they don’t.

NICK: Yes, daddy. You came out of a butt like poo poo.

ME: Stop saying that! Who told you that?

NICK: Who told me what?

ME: Who told you that babies came out of butts like poo poo?

NICK: The Muppets.

(even longer pause than before)

ME: They did not.

NICK: Yes, daddy.

ME: Which Muppet?

NICK: Huh?

ME: Which Muppet said that babies come from butts?

NICK: Poop Muppet.

ME: There is not a “Poop Muppet.”

NICK: Yes, there is.

ME: No there isn’t! Why would they make a Poop Muppet? Who would watch that?

NICK: There is!

ME: Seriously, who told you that babies came from butts?

NICK: On the animal show. They show babies getting borned. And the babies came out of the other animal’s butt.

ME: Ooooooohhhhhh…

*SOME TIME LATER*

ME: So I guess he saw some show that showed an animal giving birth. And it looked, to him, like it was coming out of the animal’s butt.

ALLISON: You are making this up for your blog.

ME: No, I’m not!

ALLISON: What did you tell him?

ME: I don’t know. I was all flustered. I mumbled something about wombs and vaginas and women and a bunch of other things I don’t understand.

ALLISON: You did better than I would have. I totally would have just told him you came out of a butt.

NICK: Mommy? Daddy? I’m gonna tell you a secret.

ALLISON: What is it?

NICK: I own this whole park.

ME: Wow. You own the entire Magic Kingdom?

NICK: Uh-huh.

ME: For how long?

NICK: Sixty years.

ME: Get outta here! When did you buy it?

NICK: Sixty years ago.

ME: Well, that was a stupid question on my part.

ALLISON: It was, kinda.

ME: Where did you get the money to buy it?

NICK: Grampa.

ALLISON: I hope you gave him a job, at least.

NICK: He runs the whole thing.

ME: He does?

NICK: Uh-huh. Grumps runs it and Georgie 1 and Georgie 2 fix everything.

ME: What do you do?

NICK: I clean the park and set off the fireworks.

ALLISON: So Grumps runs everything, Georgie 1 and Georgie 2 fix everything. You clean the park and set off the fireworks.

NICK: Uh-huh. AND EVERYONE EATS LUNCH WITH THEIR SHIRT OFF!

Nick: You’re Donald Duck.

Me: I am? Who are you?

Nick: Mickey Mouse.

Me: Okay.

Nick: Look at the moon!

Me: It’s really bright tonight.

Nick: Say it like Donald Duck.

Me: Wack, wack, wack.

Nick: Donald Duck?

Me: Yes, Mickey Mouse?

Nick: See all the planets, Donald Duck?

Me: I do. There’s a lot of pretty stars up there too.

Nick: Say it like Donald Duck.

Me: Wack, wack, wack.

Nick: Donald Duck?

Me: Yes, Mickey Mouse?

Nick: It’s a really nice night out.

Me: It is.

Nick: Say it like Donald Duck.

Me: Wack, wack, wack.

Nick took a break from swimming, riding his big wheel, squirting trees with a spray bottle and refusing to eat pizza in order to answer some more of your questions. Let’s dive right in, shall we?

STEVE W from Pittsburgh asks: “Hey, Nick. My stomach is really touchy. What foods should I avoid?”

Nick: Well don’t eat cherries outside.

Me: Why not?

Nick: Only eat cherries inside.

Me: Okay. Why?

Nick: Because cherries inside are washed. Cherries outside can’t be washed. Unless it rains on them. But then you just have to wait.

Me: And what happens if you eat the cherries from outside?

Nick: You get sick, daddy. *Cough*

Me: And how –

Nick: COUGH COUGH COUGH

Me: And how do you –

Nick: COUGH COUGH COUGH COUGH!

Me: You okay?

Nick: Yes. I just ‘tending.

Me: Okay. So what do you do if you get sick?

Nick: Well first you think “I gonna kill that cough!” But then sometimes another cough comes.

Me: So what do you do?

Nick: You just sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep.

Laura B from Spring, TX asks “I need Nick’s thoughts on several topics, but the first is what should a person do if a cat pees on the floor?”

Nick: Ewww!

Me: Do you seriously expect me to think you find that gross? Your three favorite things are trucks, cats and pee.

Nick: Why the cat pee on the floor?

Me: I don’t know. But what you should do if a cat pees on the floor?

Nick: Get OxiClean.*

Me: I’m sorry, what?

Nick: OxiClean.

Me: How do you know OxiClean?

Nick: From the commercial. You get the vacuum and you clean it with OxiClean and the cat says MEOW! MEOW! MEOW!

*OxiClean was created in 1997 and is a household cleaner marketed by Church & Dwight who acquired it from Orange Glo International in 2006. You may remember the product from infomercials starring Billy Mays (1958-2009, RIP). OxiClean comes in many different variations including OxiClean MaxForce Spray, OxiClean Power Paks, OxiClean Triple Power Stain Fighter, and OxiClean Baby Stain Soaker

 

So my request for questions to ask Nick had HUGE results. At least a half dozen if not MORE.  It seems you need help with your love life, home repair, dog training, real estate, digestion issues, etc…. And you’re willing to take advice from a four year old.

Now, I can’t promise that Nick will answer every question. Usually, he controls the conversation and I just listen. But I was able to ask him a couple of things tonight and I think he had some good ideas.

From Jim C in Illinois “Nick, when we take our dog, Lucy, on a walk she ALWAYS barks at the other dogs we meet. It makes her seem very unfriendly and she’s not. Does Nick have any advice about how to keep her from barking?”

Me: So what do you think?

Nick: Well… you just have to pull over to the side.

Me: Pull over to the side?

Nick: Uh-huh. And that way you hide. You pick up your puppy and hide.

Me: Away from the other puppies.

Nick: Uh-huh.

Me: But how do you teach a puppy not to bark at other dogs? That way you don’t have to hide them.

Nick: Well it’s not a hot dog. You can’t eat it.

Me: No, that’s true.

Nick: You can’t put a leash on a hot dog.

Me: It would slide right off.

Nick: WOOF! WOOF!

Me: What’s that song you and mommy always sing?

Nick: WHO LET THE DOGS OUT! WOOF! WOOF!

From Jenny S, “Dear Nick, I’m a comedian and I need to write more jokes. But I can’t find anything funny to write about. What should I do? What makes you laugh? Sincerely, Not as funny as I thought”

Me: So what are your favorite jokes?

Nick: Knock, knock, who’s there?

Me: Um… I don’t know.

Nick: Door.

Me: Door who?

Nick: There’s a door in the bathtub? How it get in the bathtub? Knock knock, who’s there?

Me: I don’t know.

Nick: Baloney sandwich.

Me: Baloney sandwich who?

Nick: Baloney sandwich? WHAT??? JUST EAT IT! Knock, knock who’s there?

Me: I don’t know.

Nick: Door in the bathtub AGAIN! Knock, knock, who’s there?

Me: I don’t know.

Nick: Purse.

Me: Purse who?

Nick: PURSE, PURSE, I HAVE A HOT DOG IN MY PURSE! WOOF, WOOF!

 

1.

Nick: Mommy?

Allison: Yes, Nick?

Nick: Cars don’t have armpits.

Allison: That is correct.

2.

ME: Alright, buddy. It’s bedtime. G’night.

NICK: Daddy? Tell me about mining.

ME: Mining?

NICK: Tell it.

ME: You want me to tell you about mining? Like…when people work in a mine?

NICK: Uh-huh.

ME: I know nothing about mining. It’s late, buddy.

NICK: Uh-huh. Tell it.

ME: I can’t… I have no idea what to tell you about mining.

NICK: Tell about how they explode a hole to make the mine and then there’s a crater and the rain fills the crater with water and it makes a lake.

ME: Nicholas, it’s way past your bedtime.

NICK: Talk about mining.

ME: Okay. They explode a hole and that makes the mine. And there’s a crater or something and when it rains I guess it turns into a lake.

NICK: Why?

ME: I don’t know. What you just told me is literally the only thing I know about mining. I know absolutely nothing more about mining. Everything I know about mining, I learned ten seconds ago.

NICK: Tell about how they do sand mining but then they sell all the sand so the mine closes down.

ME: Nick, honest to God… I have to go to bed.

NICK: Tell it.

ME: They sold all the sand and then they closed the mine. Now go to sleep.

NICK: Good night.

ME: Night, buddy.

NICK: Why did they sell all the sand?

Nick: Dad?

Me: Yes.

Nick: Look up in the road up ahead.

Me: What do you see?

Nick: Honky the Bear.

Me: I’m sorry… you see who?

Nick: Honky the Bear. HE’S RIGHT UP AHEAD!

Me: Who in God’s name is Honky the Bear?

Nick: Well… he’s a man. But he dressed like a bear. And he pours junk on your head.

Me: He pours junk on your head?

Nick: Yes. And then Honky the Bear puts fire on your head.

Me: He puts junk and fire both on your head?

Nick: No. There are two Honky the Bears.

Me: And they’re both called Honky the Bear.

Nick: Yes.

Me: And they’re not really bears, but men in bear suits.

Nick: Yes. Bad guys.

Me: And one puts junk on your head and one puts fire on your head.

Nick: Uh-huh.

Me: Why do they do that?

Nick: They’re bad guys. They like junk and fire.

Me: What do you do if you see both Honky the Bears?

Nick: Call Smokey the Bear.

Me: Ah. What does he do?

Nick: Puts out the fire. Throws the junk in the garbage.

Me: Right. So which Honky the Bear did you see up ahead in the road?

Nick: Both of them! RUN THEM OVER DADDY! CRUSH THEM WITH THE VAN! MAKE THEM GET DEAD!

Me: That seems excessive to me. Can’t we just rehabilitate them?

Nick: NO! RUN THEM OVER! THAT’S AN ORDER!

Me: BUMP! BUMPBUMPBUMP! Oh… Oops. I think I just ran over something. What was that?

Nick: Honky the Bear. He’s dead, dead, dead, daddy.

Me: And he’s a man dressed like a bear and he has a friend with the same name that also dresses like a bear and they put junk and fire on your head.

Allison: Okay, do you have that straight now? Do you have everything you need to put it on your blog?

Me: I think so, yes.