Tag: Conversations with Nick

NICK: What are you eating?

ME: Soft pretzel.

NICK: I want one.

ME: You already had dessert. It’s bath time.

NICK: I want one. I want to eat it in the bathtub.

ME: Salted or brown sugar and cinnamon?

NICK: Brown sugar and cimmamom.

ME: Okay. Here’s a bite.

NICK: I want a big piece. That’s a small piece.

ME: Okay. Here. Now, upstairs for your bath.

NICK: PICK ME UP! PICK ME UP!

ME: Nick, you’re so heavy.

NICK: PICK ME UP!

ME: Okay. Ugh…hrrmf…HRRRR…there we go. Now…up the stairs.

NICK: AHH! MMM! AAAHH! PUT ME DOWN!

ME: What’s wrong?

NICK: THERE’S NOT THE STUFF ON THE PRETZEL THAT I LIKE!!!

ME: Okay. Give it here. I’ll go downstairs and put more brown sugar on it.

NICK: I WANT TO COME WITH YOU!

ME: It’ll just take me a second.

NICK: I’M SCARED UP HERE BY MYSELF.

ME: Okay. Just, come on.

NICK: PICK UP ME UP! PICK ME UP!

ME: Oh, my God. Hrrrmf…urg…HRRRMM! There we go.

NICK: Put more stuff on it.

ME: I’m doing it, Nick! I’m doing it! Now, there’s more brown sugar on it…here we go…back to the bathtub.

NICK: PICK ME UP! PICK ME UP!

ME: Nick…oh my God.

NICK: PICK ME UP! PICK ME UP!

ME: Hrrrmf…urmm…HRRRRMMM! Okay. Now get in the tub. Seriously.

NICK: I GOB PRETBZEL IM MY DEEF!

ME: What?

NICK: I GOB PRETZEL IN MY TEETH!

ME: Well…pick it out!

NICK: I can’t. I CAN’T! USE THIS, DADDY!

ME: Why are you… Oh, my God. Why are you throwing all the brushes on the floor? Stop it!

NICK: USE THIS! IT’S A FWOSS STICK FOR YOUR TEETH!

ME: “Floss” stick.

NICK: FLOSS STICK! PICK OUT THE PRETZEL!

ME: Okay! Okay! Just hold still! Okay… got it!

NICK: Gross.

ME: Yes, it is!

NICK: Thanks, Dad!

ME: No problem!

NICK: You’re the best dad!

ME: Really? Thank you.

NICK: I couldn’t ever have been as happy with any other dad but you.

CONTEXT ALERT – Nick’s grandpa Vin appears in this conversation. Nick calls him “Grumps.”

NICK: Grumps?

VIN: Yes?

NICK: Tell me about your speeding ticket.

VIN: My speeding ticket. Okay, well about ten years ago I got a speeding ticket. And I went to court to pay the fine. That’s really all there is to the story.

ALLISON: I remember that. Grumps was mad.

NICK: Is this before I was born?

VIN: Yes. This was ten years ago.

ME: I’ve only ever gotten one speeding ticket. When I was 21.

NICK: Before I was born?

ME: Yes. But I’ve never gotten one since.

ALLISON: That’s not true. You got one downtown a few years ago.

ME: Yeah, but they reduced it to a seat belt ticket just as a warning. So it doesn’t count.

NICK: THIS ONE TIME, YOU KNOW WHAT? BILLY AND BILLY 2 WERE SPEEDING AND YOU KNOW WHAT? THEY HIT A CAR AND THEN THAT CAR HIT A CAR AND THEN THEY KNOCKED A BUILDING DOWN. AND THEN THAT BUILDING FELL AND KNOCKED ANOTHER BUILDING DOWN AND THEN ANOTHER AND ANOTHER. AND THEN THE POLICE CAME AND THEY SAID “YOU BAD GUYS GO TO JAIL!” AND THEN BILLY AND BILLY RAN AWAY FROM THE POLICE! BUT THE POLICE GOT IN THEIR CAR AND THEY CHASED THEM AND SAID “STOP RUNNING AWAY YOU BAD GUYS!” AND SO THEN THEY ARRESTED THEM AND PUT THEM IN JAIL BUT THEY GOT OUT OF JAIL AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW AND LANDED IN THE GARBAGE AND KNOW WHAT? THEY GOT RECYCLED!

ME: Okay, Nick wins.

ME: Nick. (pause) Wake up buddy. (pause) Nick?

ALLISON: Come on, kiddo. Wake up.

ME: Should we just let him sleep?

ALLISON: We can’t.

ME: What time is it?

ALLISON: It’s only 4:30. If he sleeps now he’ll be up at midnight and then we won’t sleep.

ME: Nick. Come on, pal. You have to wake up. It’s gonna be dinner time soon.

ALLISON: He’s stirring.

ME: Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, wake uuuuuuuuuuuup.

ALLISON: Come on, Nick.

NICK: HHHHHHRRRRRRRMMMMMPHPHPHPHPH!

ME: Wake up, buddy.

NICK: MMMMMRRRRRRRRRRRR.

ALLISON: You gotta wake up, Nick.

NICK: I want to go to beeeeeeeeeeeeeeed.

ME: Come on, pal. Wake up and have dinner. Then you can have a bath and go to bed.

NICK: I DON’T WANT TO HAVE A BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATH! I DON’T! WANT! A! BATH! HRRRRMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!

ALLISON: Nick, you have to take a quick bath.

NICK: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

ME: What do you want for dinner, buddy?

NICK: NOTHING!

ME: You have to have something.

NICK: I DON’T WANT ANYTHING! HUMPH! FINE!

ALLISON: We’re gonna have the baked ziti that you helped gramma make.

NICK: I DON’T WANT THAT!!!!

ME: What do you want?

NICK: PICKLES!

ALLISON: You can’t just have pickles.

NICK: Mom…mommy…listen… I want my donut for dinner.

ME: You can’t just have a donut for dinner.

ALLISON: After you have dinner you can have your donut for dessert.

NICK: NOOOOOOOOO! I WANT IT NOW!

ME: You can’t have a donut before dinner.

NICK: BUT I MISS IT! OH, DAD! I MISS MY DONUT SO MUCH!

ALLISON: You have to eat some ziti.

NICK: I just want to go to bed!

ME: Do you want a cheese sandwich?

NICK: I JUST WANT MY DONUT!

ALLISON: You can’t have a donut.

NICK: But I miss it!

ME: You can have it for dessert.

NICK: I want a pickle!

ME: I can put a pickle on your cheese sandwich.

NICK: I DON’T WANT A CHEESE SANDWICH!

ALLISON: He’s so tired.

NICK: NOOOOOOO! I’M! NOT! TIRED!

ME: I thought you wanted to go to bed.

NICK: I want to take a bath.

ALLISON: You have to eat dinner.

NICK: Can I have a pickle?

ME: You can have one on your sandwich.

NICK: No, I want a donut.

ALLISON: You can’t have a donut.

NICK: I want to go to bed!

ME: You have to eat dinner first.

NICK: I don’t want to take a bath!

ALLISON: You have to take a bath.

NICK: NOOOOOOOOOO!

ALLISON: Not yet. You have to eat dinner first.

NICK: I WANT MY DONUT!

ME: I thought you wanted a pickle.

NICK: I’M SO SLEEPY!

ALLISON: Let daddy make you a sandwich.

(pause)

NICK: Okay.

ME: A cheese sandwich.

NICK: Okay.

ME: With a pickle.

NICK: OKAY!

ALLISON: Why are you so upset?

NICK: I JUST WANT TO TAKE A BATH!

ME: Do you want to eat your cheese sandwich in the bathtub?

NICK: Uh-huh.

ME: Okay. Let’s go upstairs.

NICK: NO! I JUST WANT TO TAKE A FOOT BATH!

ME: Okay. I will take out the foot bath and you can soak your feet on the couch while I feed you a cheese sandwich with pickles on it. Is that okay?

NICK: Uh-huh.

ME: (to ALLISON) Is this okay with you?

ALLISON: Go for it.

NICK: I want the foot bath hot.

ME: Okay.

NICK: Really, really hot, dad.

ME: Okay.

NICK: And an extra pickle NOT on the sandwich.

ME: Okay. And then we take your real bath and go to bed.

NICK: Maybe I want to skip my bath.

ALLISON: You can’t skip your bath.

NICK: Can I have my pickle?

ME: Here.

(Twenty minutes later)

ME: How was the sandwich?

NICK: Good.

ALLISON: Ready for your bath?

NICK: Uh-huh.

ME: Okay. Let’s go upstairs.

ALLISON: Do you want your donut?

NICK: I’ll eat it in the morning.

1.

NICK: Dad?

ME: Yes.

NICK: I thought of a monster.

ME: Yeah?

NICK: It’s a pumpkin. With no legs.

ME: How does he get around?

NICK: He hops. Also, he scares people.

ME: What does he do to scare them?

NICK: HE THROWS SPIDERS IN THEIR EYES!

ME: My God. That’s terrifying. A pumpkin that hops everywhere and throws spiders in people’s eyes.

NICK: Yes.

ME: Where does he live?

NICK: HE LIVES IN A POOP TOILET!

ME: I like this game. Let’s think up some more monsters.

NICK: No, I’m done.

2.

ME: Nick?

NICK: What?

ME: Remember a few weeks ago when you thought up that monster?

NICK: What monster?

ME: The pumpkin that threw spiders in people’s eyes. Remember that?

NICK: No.

ME: Well, I think we should think of some more monsters.

NICK: I’m so tired. I just want to take a nap.

ME: No, wake up and let’s think of some monsters so I can put it on my blog.

NICK: This is boring.

ME: Okay, I’ll start. I’m thinking of a monster that has four eyes. Now you go.

NICK: And he has a butt on his head.

ME: That’s awesome. What else?

NICK: Nothing else. Just a butt on his head.

ME: Okay. Now I’m thinking of a monster… and he’s made out of french fries. You love french fries! What else is wrong with him?

NICK: He has a butt on his head.

ME: We already did that. What else?

NICK: He has a butt on his head but he poops from where his old butt used to be.

ME: You’re not trying very hard.

NICK: I’m tired.

ME: Okay, let’s think of a monster that doesn’t have anything wrong with his butt. This monster’s name is “Normal Butt Man.” He doesn’t have a butt on his head. There’s nothing unusual about his butt. Tell me something else about him.

NICK: He lives in a house.

ME: Okay.

NICK: That looks like a head.

ME: Nick…

NICK: And it has a butt on it.

NICK: Dad?

ME: Yes.

NICK: How did the earth get made?

ME: Well… okay… we don’t exactly know but we think there was a big explosion and that made everything.

NICK: From an asteroid?

ME: Well this would be before there were asteroids. The explosion didn’t just make the earth. It made everything.

NICK: WHAT????

ME: I know, right? Weird.

NICK: But what made the explosion?

ME: No one really knows.

NICK: Come on, dad. Think!

ME: Dude, I’m serious. We just don’t know everything. Not yet, anyway.

NICK: What made it all explode?

ME: Okay. (sigh) Okay. Some people think that there was someone called God that did it.

(long pause)

NICK: WHAT??????

ME: I know. It does sound silly when you say it like that.

NICK: And it’s a person?

ME: Well…no.

NICK: A dinosaur.

ME: No.

NICK: What is it?

ME: I don’t… no one knows. It may just be… I don’t know… a force of some kind.

NICK: What’s a force?

ME: Like a…like a… thing that… I don’t know. We just don’t know.

NICK: I know how it happened.

ME: You do?

NICK: He’s a man that lives in space. And he pressed a button to make the earth.

ME: You think?

NICK: But dad?

ME: Yeah?

NICK: HE PRESSED THE WRONG BUTTON! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

ME: You are legitimately scaring me right now.

ME: What do you want for breakfast, bud?

NICK: Soap pie.

ME: What?

NICK: Soap pie. With dinosaur meat.

ME: Soap pie with dinosaur meat?

NICK: Why do you always repeat what I say??? *sigh*

ME: How do you make soap pie with dinosaur meat?

NICK: First, you have to cook the bacon.

ME: How do you do that?

NICK: First, you swallow the bacon, then you pour hot water in your mouth so that it goes into your pipes and cooks the bacon.

ME: Okay. How do you get the bacon out of your stomach?

NICK: You spit it out into the the TV.

ME: Right. So you swallow bacon, then pour hot water down your throat to cook the bacon, then spit the cooked bacon out INTO the television.

NICK: YES!

ME: But…wait… where does the soap come in? And the dinosaur meat?

NICK: DAD! DO I HAVE TO FIGURE OUT EVERYTHING!!!!

NICK: OW! AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

ME: What’s wrong??? What’s wrong????

NICK: WHERE’S MOMMY?

ME: She’s at work, buddy. What happened?

NICK: I SLIPPED AND FELL!

ME: What hurts?

NICK: I FELL ON MY SIDE AND HURT MY FOOD BONE!

ME: Your food bone?

NICK: Yes, daddy, yes.

ME: Looks okay. Not even a bruise. But I’m sorry, I know it hurts when you whack yourself like that.

NICK: It’s my food bone.

ME: Actually, Nick, there’s no such thing as a food bone.

NICK: It’s the food bone! It’s right here! And when you put food in your mouth it goes down and down and down. And then it goes through the food bone! But it can’t get through if you hurt your food bone! Then the food can’t dissolve and go into your stomach! STOP LAUGHING AT ME!

NICK: Mommy, I had a dream last night.

ALLISON: What was it?

NICK: I was on an unfriendly planet where life…EXISTS!

(Long, befuddled pause)

ALLISON: Huh?

NICK: *Sigh* I was on an unfriendly planet where life exits.

ME: What planet was it?

NICK: The really hot one.

ME: Mercury?

NICK: Yeah.

ALLISON: (to ME) Nice job.

ME: (to ALLISON) Thanks. (to NICK) And how did you know that there was life on this planet?

NICK: There was a man just walking along saying “Do dee do dee do.” But he couldn’t walk because his feet was too hot and he was saying “Ow! Ow!”

ME: I see.

NICK: Daddy?

ME: Yes.

NICK: How they cool that planet down?

ME: Well, I don’t think we know how to do that.

NICK: I know how.

ME: How?

NICK: Okay. Well. We get a space ship. And we take a hose. And we fly out of the atmosphere. And we take the hose to… what’s it?
ME: Mercury.

NICK: Mercury. And we turn on the water and we cool it down.

ME: Good idea. And how do we connect the hose to a water faucet?

NICK: Hmmm… We have to make a big long hose. Then we stick it in a hole.

ALLISON: Good plan.

1.

NICK: Daddy?

ME: Yes.

NICK: One time? A long time ago? There was alllllll volcanoes.

ME: All volcanoes?

NICK: Uh-huh. They were everywhere. But then the lava buried all the volcanoes but the big volcanoes. So now, there are just big volcanoes.

2.

NICK: Daddy?

ME: Yes.

NICK: Tell about dinosaurs.

ME: What do you want to know?

NICK: Tell about how they became distinct.

ME: Extinct.

NICK: Extinct.

ME: Well, once upon a time… there were dinosaurs… and they did dinosaur things… they’d eat and roar and whatnot…then…they became extinct.

NICK: There was a storm, daddy. And the thunder came and the thunder kill ALL the dinosaurs.

ME: All at once?

NICK: Uh-huh. And they KNOW this happened, daddy. They KNOW it. The scientists KNOW it. They KNOW this is what happened. They KNOW it!

3.

NICK: Daddy?

ME: Yes.

NICK: Tell about mummies.

ME: Okay. Well, mummies are when dead people get wrapped in bandages and then they get buried in a tomb. In Egypt.

NICK: (long pause) You have to tell me the whole thing, daddy.

ME: Ah. Okay. Well, a long, long, long, long time ago before you were born or Grammy and Grumps were born –

NICK: Before Beethoven was born?

ME: Even before… I think. Yes. Wait. Yes, definitely before Beethoven was born. The king of Egypt… when he would die… or when other special people would die… they would wrap them in bandages and put them in a tomb or inside a pyramid.

NICK: I want to see that.

ME: Well, okay… (pulls out iphone, looks for images) Okay… not that one, not that one, not that one, that’s a naked woman for some reason,

NICK: I want to see.

ME: Nope. Okay. Here’s a mummy. (shows picture)

NICK: How he get dead?

ME: Old age. Or something. Mosquito bites. I don’t know.

NICK: What they put him in?

ME: Oh, that’s a sarcophagus. Or a coffin. They made it out of gold and stuff and put him inside of it.

NICK: Why?

ME: Well, because he was special and they liked him so they wanted to honor him.

NICK: Honor?

ME: That’s like when you love someone… or something… and you want to do something so people will remember them.

NICK: He dead?

ME: Yes.

NICK: Then why they put him in it?

ME: Well… we still do that, actually. When people die, we put them in coffins.

NICK: Why?

ME: Well, because… it’s like respect for… it’s to… pretend that…I mean… so we feel better that… You know what? I actually don’t know why we do that.

NICK: I know why they put him in there.

ME: Why?

NICK: So his butt won’t fall off.

NICK: My little brother is driving me crazy!

ALLISON: You don’t have a little brother.

NICK: I have a little brother. Yes I do, mom.

ME: What’s your little brother’s name?

NICK: Georgie.

ALLISON: Georgie?

NICK: He’s driving me crazy!

ME: What is he doing that’s driving you crazy?

NICK: He keeps saying “poo poo” all the time!

ALLISON: No, that’s you that does that.

NICK: No, it’s Georgie and the other Georgie.

ME: There’s another Georgie?

NICK: Georgie One and Georgie Two.

ME: And they’re both driving you crazy.

NICK: Uh-huh. They look alike. And they’re stuck together.

ME: You mean that literally? Like they’re actually stuck together?

NICK: Cause I glued them together.

ME: Well no wonder they’re so ill-tempered. How do you get them apart?

NICK: Sticky water. (accidentally knocks over a glass of water)

ME: Oh, geez.

NICK: I’m sorry!

ALLISON: It’s okay. Let me get some towels…

NICK: IT WAS GEORGIE ONE AND GEORGIE TWO!

ALLISON: Okay… it was just an accident. Not a big deal. But let’s not blame it on…on…on…

ME: Our other children?

NICK: GEORGIE ONE AND GEORGIE TWO! THEY’RE DRIVING ME CRAZY!