Author: davidleewhite44

For new readers – Billy and Billy 2 are Nick’s creations. They’ve been around a few years now. Nick blames everything on them.  We don’t like Billy and Billy 2 because when they’re around, they make Nick say bad words and throw temper tantrums. Basically, Billy and Billy 2 are imaginary a-holes.

NICK: MOM! DAD! BILLY AND BILLY 2 ARE IN THE HOUSE!

ALLISON: Tell them to go home.

NICK: Why?

ALLISON: Because it’s dinner time and besides, Billy and Billy 2 aren’t allowed in the house.

NICK: I have to go find them!

ME: No. Eat your chili.

NICK: HOW DID THEY GET IN, DAD?

ME: Did you turn on the sign that says “Billy and Billy 2 are not allowed in the house?”

NICK: I forgot.

ME: Then that’s probably why they came in.

NICK: HOW ARE WE GONNA GET THEM OUT OF THE HOUSE?

ME: Maybe you should set a Billy trap.

NICK: Yeah! I’m gonna set a sticky trap. And they will stick to it. And then we can shoot them!

ME: We’re not shooting anybody.

NICK: Then what, dad?

ME: We’ll put them outside.

NICK: AND THEN WE WILL SHOOT THEM!

ME: No. Then they will be outside and we can eat in peace.

NICK: I KNOW! WE WILL LET BEES COME AND STING THEM AND COVER THEIR BODIES AND STING THEM!

ME: Oh, look. I just told Billy and Billy 2 they have to leave. So they’re not in the house anymore. Eat your dinner.

NICK: Okay. (long pause) DAD! BILLY AND BILLY 2 CAME IN THROUGH THE WINDOW!

ME: I threw them out again.

NICK: BUT THEN THEY BROKE IN WITH A KEY!

ME: Tell them they have to leave.

NICK: THEY’RE THROWING ALL THE CHILI EVERYWHERE! IT’S ALL OVER THE FLOOR!

ALLISON: I don’t like Billy OR Billy 2.

ME: Oh, look! There they go. I see them outside. Billy and Billy 2 are gone. They can’t come back in the house tonight. Okay?

NICK: Okay.

ME: Good.

NICK: Oh, no dad! Billy and Billy 2 built robots and left them in the house!

NICK: Dad?

ME: Yes.

NICK: I saw a dead bird.

ME: Where?

NICK: Over by the fence when we were walking Jessie. Dad?

ME: Yes.

NICK: And I saw a dead squirrel. How did they get dead?

ME: I don’t know. It’s pretty cold out. Maybe they froze.

NICK: When we go to the museum can we tell them because they might want them for their bones to turn into fossils.

ME: That’s not a bad idea. But it takes a looooooong time to make a fossil.

NICK: How long?

ME: I dunno. Thousands of years? Something like that.

NICK: Well maybe we could tell them and they could come later and dig them up and then have the fossils.

ME: Maybe.

NICK: Dad?

ME: Yes.

NICK: Did you ever see anything die?

ME: Yeah. You remember me telling you about my dog Baxter? I saw him die.

NICK: Where did he die?

ME: In our dining room.

NICK: How did he die?

ME: He got sick, remember?

NICK: Did you drop a pie on him?

ME: What?

NICK: Did  you drop a pie on him?

ME: What are you talking about?

NICK: I’m just kidding! Dad?

ME: Yes.

NICK: Who else saw Baxter die?

ME: Mommy, Grammy and Grumps.

NICK: What did you do with him after he died?

ME: Well…we took him to the vet and they…um…cremated his body. That means they burned it and turned it into ashes.

NICK: Into ashes?

ME: Yeah. His body didn’t work anymore, you know? He was dead. So we kept his ashes.

NICK: Where are they?

ME: They’re in the closet.

NICK: THE ASHES ARE IN THE HOUSE???

ME: Yes.

NICK: Can I see them?

ME: Someday.

NICK: What do they look like?

ME: I dunno…kind of like…black sand.

NICK: Why you burn him up?

ME: I guess I just didn’t like the thought of burying him.

NICK: The dead bird I saw you know what?

ME: What?

NICK: It was all tored up by vultures.

ME: Really?

NICK: Yeah. And what if the vulture comes to our house to get Jessie?

ME: Vultures only eat dead animals so it won’t get Jessie. But if a vulture does come to our house, I will drop a pie on him.

NICK: Yeah! Get outta here you stupid vulture!

ME: That’s right.

NICK: Daddy?

ME: Yes.

NICK: We better not tell anyone about Baxter’s ashes.

ME: Why not?

NICK: BECAUSE IF WE DO THE MUSEUM MIGHT COME OVER AND DIG UP OUR HOUSE!

NICK: Dad?

ME: Yes.

NICK: You know what this tank can do?

ME: What?

NICK: It can shoot! With it’s gun!

ME: I know!

NICK: And you know what?

ME: What?

NICK: The soldiers say “Shoot the enemy! Shoot the enemy!” And then know what?

ME: What?

NICK: The tanks goes “Rrrrrrrrrrrrr…” And it’s gun goes up! Daddy?

ME: Yes?

NICK: On my other tank? The one at home? The gun doesn’t go up. It goes around. But this one goes up.

ME: Cool.

NICK: Dad? Do you like this tank?

ME: Yeah!

NICK: Was it expensive?

ME: No. It was only fifty cents.

NICK: Why?

ME: Well, it was used. When you buy something at a flea market, you’re buying something that’s a little old, a little used and maybe someone was just trying to get rid of it.

NICK: Why?

ME: I don’t know. I guess they didn’t want it anymore?

NICK: Why?

ME: I don’t know. Maybe someone had a lot of toys and then they got older and just didn’t want all their toys anymore so they took them to the flea market.

(Pause)

NICK: Dad?

ME: Yes.

NICK: I love this tank. I’m never gonna give it away.

NICK: Dad?

ME: Yes.

NICK: Can I sit on your lap before I take my bath? It’s kind of serious.

ME: Sure. What’s up?

NICK: There was a new girl in school today and know what? She doesn’t like me.

ME: What’s her name?

NICK: Nan.

ME: How do you know she doesn’t like you?

NICK: I don’t know.

ME: Did you talk to her?

NICK: Yeah. But you know what? Donald came up with an ingenious plan.

ME: What was that?

NICK: He said that he was gonna marry Claire instead of me.

ME: What about Nan?

NICK: She thinks Claire is my girlfriend.

ME: So Donald said he was gonna marry Claire so Nan wouldn’t think she was your girlfriend?

NICK: Yeah. Donald is a genius!

ME: So now is Nan your girlfriend?

NICK: No. Kerry is.

ME: Who’s Kerry?

NICK: My girlfriend. But Nan doesn’t know I’m gonna marry Kerry ’cause know what? When she looks at me I say to Kerry “Duck!” and she ducks.

ME: So why don’t you think Nan likes you?

NICK: I don’t know. Dad?

ME: Yes.

NICK: SHE BETTER NOT DRIVE OVER TO OUR HOUSE WITH THAT STINKY CAR!

ME: Who?

NICK: The new girl.

ME: Nan.

NICK: Yeah.

ME: How do you know she has a stinky car?

NICK: She told me. Her car smells all stinky.

ME: So you had a conversation with her about how her car smells?

NICK: Yeah. AND IF SHE COMES OVER TO MY HOUSE WITH THAT STINKY CAR I GONNA TELL HER I’LL THROW HER IN A VOLCANO IN ICELAND.

ME: Okay. Or what you could do is invite her to share your toys or something.

NICK: Dad?

ME: Yes.

NICK: I don’t want to take a bath. I want to lie on the floor and think about her.

ME: Listen…here’s what I think you should do. Tomorrow, just go to school and be nice to her. Ask her to sit by you. Share your toys.

NICK: What if girls don’t like me?

ME: You will meet girls that will like you. If Nan doesn’t like you, you will meet someone else. But if Nan is new, maybe she’s just shy. I would just be nice to her and see what happens.*

NICK: BUT IF SHE COMES TO T-BALL SHE MIGHT HIT ME WITH A BAT!

ME: Is she signed up for t-ball?

NICK: I DON’T KNOW BUT SHE PROBLY DOESN’T EVEN KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT IT!

ME: I wouldn’t worry too much about T-ball yet.

NICK: I THINK SHE WANTS TO MARRY ME BUT HER CAR IS STINKY!

ME: She wants to marry you? I thought she didn’t like you.

NICK: I’M EMBARRASSED!

ME: Oh, listen… there’s nothing to be embarrassed about. Seriously.

NICK: Okay. I think I’m ready for my bath now.

ME: Okay.

*I have omitted a great deal of nonsensical stammering from this particular piece of advice.

NICK: Dad! What’s that?

ME: Oh, wow. That’s a huge wasp nest. Just hanging in that tree. How weird.

NICK: ARE THEY GONNA STING US?

ME: No.

NICK: Wasps only bother you if you bother them.

ME: Right. You know one time your Uncle Brad got stung by a bunch of wasps in his back.

NICK: How?

ME: They were in the mailbox and he opened the mailbox and they flew out and stung him.

NICK: HOW THEY GET IN THE MAIL BOX?

ME: I dunno. They just built their nest in there.

NICK: What did he do?

ME: He ran away. He was really little so I know he screamed and cried and stuff.

NICK: I CAN HEAR ALL THAT IN MY MIND!

ME: Can you?

NICK: YES!

ME: And then your grandpa in Colorado had to spray and kill all the wasps.

NICK: You know what? This one time, Billy and Billy 2 brought wasps inside a building!

ME: What kind of building?

NICK: A museum!

ME: Oh, man. What happened?

NICK: I was the police! And Billy let all the wasps go and I said “GET OUT OF HERE YOU WASPS I’M THE POLICE!” and I sprayed but it didn’t work.

ME: Why not?

NICK: Not enough chemical. And so I had to throw a bomb and I BLOWED UP THE WHOLE BUILDING! PWOKKKKKSSSSSH!

ME: You blew up a museum just to kill some wasps?

NICK: Yes.

ME: Sweet.

SCENE: A restaurant. In public.

NICK’S GRAMPA: Happy Birthday, Dave!

NICK’S GRANDMA: Yes. Happy Birthday. I’m sure it will be a very good year.

ALLISON: Don’t you think he looks good for 48?

ME: Nice try. I’m 46.

NICK’S GRANDMA: Well here’s to a year of success and happiness!

NICK’S GRAMPA: Cheers!

ALLISON: Cheers!

NICK’S GRANDMA: Cheers!

NICK: HEY GUYS! KNOW WHAT? PEOPLE ARE JUST MEAT!

NICK: Daddy. Play Hide and Seek with me.

ME: You’re in the bathtub.

NICK: Play, daddy.

ME: You realize that you can’t actually leave the bathtub while we play. You have to hide somewhere in the bathtub.

NICK: Pretend, dad. Close the shower curtain and pretend to look for me.

ME: Okay. One…two…three…four…five…six…seven…eight…niiiiiiine…TEN! Read or not here I come! Oh, look you’re in the bathtub.

NICK: NO! Walk around and say “Where is Nick? I don’t know where he is! Where is Nick.”

ME: Okay. “Where is Nick? I can’t find Nick!”

NICK: Now pick up my toys and say “Are you Nick? No you are not Nick! You’re a toy!”

ME: Hello, little army man. Are you Nick?

NICK: Make him talk, daddy. Make him say “I am not Nick. I don’t know where Nick is. He’s hiding!”

ME:” I am not Nick! I am an army man! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go fight some insurgents!”

NICK: Now pick up all my toys and say “Where is Nick?”

ME: Which toys?

NICK: All of them.

ME: Nick…you have, like, a million toys in the bathroom. You want me to ask them all where you are?

NICK: Pretend, daddy.

ME: But I know where you are. You’re in the bathtub.

NICK: Pretend you don’t know. Pick up Spider-man and say “Where is Nick?” then go put him in my bed and stay in my room and look for me.

ME: But you’re not in your room.

NICK: Pretend. Look for me and say “Nick? Are you in your room?”

ME: You won’t even be able to hear me.

NICK: Do it, dad. Play.

ME: Okay. “Spider-man, have you seen Nick? Come with me to his room. Okay… HERE I AM IN NICK’S ROOM! I DON’T SEE HIM ANYWHERE! I’D CHECK THE BATHTUB BUT I KNOW HE’S NOT IN THERE!”

NICK: COME BACK, DAD!

ME: Yes?

NICK: Okay, now take Spider-man and put him in my bed and say “Where is Nick?” And then he wakes up and it’s morning and he has breakfast. But it’s Christmas and you can’t find me. But pretend to be mommy.

ME: Oh look. I found you in the bathtub.

NICK: NO! Do what I just said. Do the game I just said.

ME: I have no idea what you just said. Tell me again.

NICK: UUUUGGGGHHHH! Take Spider-man and say “Where’s Nick?” And make Spider-man say “I’m not Nick” and then you say “Then you have to go to bed!” And then be mommy and put Spider-man to bed and then say “You’re not Nick! Santa Claus is not gonna bring you anything!” and then Spider-man says “Waaaaa! Waaaaa!” and then you say “Okay! Where is Nick!” And then it’s morning and you’re mommy and you say “Wake up, Nick! Wake up, Nick!” and then you get up and eat something. Do it, daddy.

ME: Nick…oh, my God. I have no idea what you want me to do!

NICK: OH, MAN, OH MAN! I’M NEVER EVER GONNA GET TO PLAY THIS GAME IN MY WHOLE LIFE!!!!

NICK: I WANNA WATCH TANKS ON YOUTUBE!

ME: *sigh* Okay. Here’s a video of toy tanks shooting paint balls at each other. This is a good one.

NICK: No! I wanna see toy tanks and they shoot paint balls at army men and cars that are going too fast!

ME: Tanks don’t really do that.

NICK: Dad? I wanna see real tanks roll over cars AND SHOOT THE BAD GUYS AFTER THE BAD GUYS ROBBED A BANK!

ME: You see…tanks don’t really do that kind of thing.

NICK: You can’t find ANYTHING on youtube!

ME: Hang on. I’ll find something.

NICK: GUNS! BULLETS! GUNS! BULLETS!

ME: Whose child are you?

NICK: Go back to the last thing! I want to see that one with the tank!

ME: Okay… this is a documentary about real tanks. I’ll start it but if it gets too violent, I’ll have to turn it off.

NICK: SHOOT THE TANKS FOR REAL! REAL TANKS!

ME: Okay. Here it is.

NICK: Daddy?

ME: Yes.

NICK: What is that tank?

ME: They said that’s a tank called “The Elephant.”

NICK: Is it a good guy?

ME: Tanks aren’t really good guys or bad guys. This is a tank that doesn’t work anymore that they’re trying to fix.

NICK: Why doesn’t it work?

ME: It was in a battle so it doesn’t work.

NICK: Did the good guys have it?

ME: Well, the German’s had it. And the Americans were in a war against the Germans.

NICK: Was Germany cheating???

ME: Yes.. They were trying to take everyone over so we went to war with them.

NICK: And then we got the tank!

ME: Yes.

NICK: Dad? Armies don’t really kill.

ME: Actually…yes they do.

NICK: They just kill bad guys.

ME: Not…not really. Good guys get killed too.

NICK: I WANNA GO IN THE ARMIES!

ME: I don’t want you to go in the army.

NICK: Why?

ME: I don’t want you to get hurt.

NICK: But dad… I won’t shoot anybody. I’ll go and I’ll tell the bad guys to stop shooting.

ME: That would be good if you could do that.

NICK: WHEN WE HAVE WAR WITH GERMANY AGAIN I WILL STOP THEM! BECAUSE I WILL STOP THEM SO THEY CAN’T TAKE OUR TANKS!

ME: Good idea.But we really don’t want to go to war. War is not good. It’s a very bad thing.

NICK: But America will always win.

ME: Not always.

NICK: Why?

ME: Sometimes America wins, sometimes it loses. Sometimes we say we win even win we lose.

NICK: Daddy?

ME: Yes.

NICK: America is very, very fragile.

NICK: I don’t want to brush my teeth.

ME: You have to.

NICK: I don’t want to.

ME: Here. You have Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Toothpaste.

NICK: I’m too tired to brush my teeth.

ME: You are definitely going to want to use this toothpaste, though. Know why?

NICK: Why?

ME: Because it will turn you into a Ninja Turtle.

(long pause)

NICK: No it won’t.

ME: Swear to God. If you use this toothpaste, you will become a Ninja Turtle.

NICK: How?

ME: Look, I don’t know. I didn’t make the toothpaste, I just read it on the box. Every time you brush your teeth, you grow part of your shell. Want to brush your teeth?

NICK: Uh-huh!

ME: There you go. Get all of your teeth. Brush them good so you can grow your shell. Now spit it out.

NICK: *Ptuh!* Did I grow my shell dad?

ME: A little bit. I think a little bit of shell grows every time you brush your teeth. Where are you going?

NICK: I’m going to tell mom!

ME: Don’t run down the stairs!

NICK: MOM! I’M GONNA TURN INTO A NINJA TURTLE! WATCH ME DO A BACK FLIP!

ME: Nick. Wait! WAIT!