Category: Conversations with Nick

NICK: Dad?

ME: Yes.

NICK: Let me hold Jessie’s leash.

ME: Don’t, buddy. Because she’s really pulling a lot and I don’t want her to pull you over onto the sidewalk.

NICK: But I want to help you walk her.

ME: I know, but…Nick…seriously. Let go of the leash.

NICK: I’m helping you walk Jessie.

ME: I know. But she’s running all over the place and…Nick…really…let go of the leash.

NICK: I’m helping.

ME: It’s not helping. It’s making it worse. Let go.

NICK: Let me help.

ME: No. Nick –

NICK: I want to.

ME: Nick, I said no.

NICK: But I want to.

ME: No Nick.

NICK: I want to, daddy.

ME: NO, NICK! Stop it! Why are you doing that? Cooperate with me, okay?? Do what I tell you to do!

NICK: Dad –

ME: Don’t “dad” me! I told you to let go and you refused! You have to do what I tell you to do! She could have pulled you over and it’s too dangerous! Stop ignoring me when I tell you to do something! You have to learn how to cooperate better! I’m so tired of this!

(Pause)

NICK: Okay.

ME: Come on. It’s cold. Let’s go home.

(Pause)

NICK: If you don’t like me anymore, dad, that’s okay.

ME: Nick…of course I… I love you, okay? I just… that was really frustrating.

NICK: Okay.

ME: I’m sorry I yelled.

NICK: Okay. Sorry, dad.

ME: Okay. Want to hold my hand?

NICK: Yeah.

ME: Let’s go home, okay?

NICK: Okay.

(long pause)

NICK: Dad?

ME: Yes.

NICK: You know in “Cars 2” when Luigi’s face gets all big and crazy?

ME: Why does his face get all crazy?

NICK: Because Tomater is leaving and so Luigi cries.

ME: Why does he cry?

NICK: Because he’s thinking about how he doesn’t want him to leave and he loves him and doesn’t ever want him to go.

ME: Okay, buddy. Are you gonna be good and cooperative on this tour?

NICK: YEAH, SURE!

ME: Seriously. We’re gonna be on a tour with a lot of people so you need to behave.

NICK: Is this where there’s the guns?

ME: Yes. This is where the soldiers stayed during the Revolutionary War. So yes, there will be antique guns here.

NICK: YES!

ME: But we have to go on the tour to see them. Okay?

NICK: OKAY, MY HILARIOUS SIDEKICK!*

ME: Nick…

(Ten minutes later)

TOUR GUIDE: …and this is where the soldiers slept, usually three or four men to a bed. If you look over here you can see the muskets…

ME: Look, bud. Those are the guns they used. They’re called muskets.

NICK: WHY IS IT SO STINKY IN HERE?

ME: Nick…sshhh! It’s not stinky. You just have a four year old nose.

NICK: IT IS, DAD! IT’S STINKY! I HAB TO HODE MY DOSE!

ME: Sssh!

TOUR GUIDE: …and here you see an officer’s room. He would have had his own bunk, much like this one.

NICK: OH, MAN IS IT STINKY!

ME: Nick –

NICK: I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE!

ME: Oh, my God. Stop it, stop it, stop it.

TOUR GUIDE: …and here’s the desk where the officer would have sat to write letters.

NICK: WHEN ARE WE GONNA LEAVE, DAD?

ME: Sh!

TOUR GUIDE: You can see the flag in the corner –

NICK: IT’S STINKY SO BAD!

ME: Okay. We’re just gonna go… how do we…?

TOUR GUIDE: Out the door and back the way we came.

ME: Thank you. Sorry, everyone. Sorry.

NICK: CAN I LED GO OF MY DOSE, DAD?

ME: Yes.

NICK: CAN WE GO OUTSIDE?

ME: Yes.

NICK: Why was it so stinky in there, dad?

ME: I don’t know. It was a little stinky.

NICK: You know what I think?

ME: What?

NICK: I think when the soldiers were there a long time ago, they made it stinky. And then it just got more stinky over time.

*Where, where, where did he get this?

ME: Okay, bud. Time to wash your hair.

NICK: No.

ME: Yes. We are washing your hair.

NICK: No I’m not. It’s not in my plans.

ME: What do you mean? I make your plans. Your hair needs to be washed.

NICK: No, dad. I’m making my own plans. I am cutting off your plans with my plans.

ME: No. Finish washing yourself and then we’re washing your hair.

NICK: I’m gonna break the soap.

ME: Better not. We’ve talked about that.

NICK: I’m gonna break it, dad.

ME: Do not break that soap.

NICK: I’m gonna break it.

ME: Stop it. Just finish washing.

NICK: I don’t want to wash my hair.

ME: We are absolutely, 100%, washing your hair.

NICK: No we’re not.

ME: It can go fast and easy or you can scream and it can take an hour. Your choice.

NICK: I’m gonna break the soap.

ME: I’m washing your hair and I’m doing it right now.

NICK: GIMME A TOWEL! I GOT WATER IN MY EAR!

ME: Here. Do not drop that towel in the wa…Nick! I told you not to drop it in the water!

NICK: I got soap in my eyes! It’s in my eyes! I need another towel!

ME: *sigh* Here!

NICK: Are you done?

ME: No. I have to rinse it.

NICK: NO!

ME: I have to rinse it, Nick! I can’t just leave the soap in your hair!

NICK: I’M GONNA CHOP YOUR ARMS OFF FOR YOU CAN’T LIFT ANYTHING!

ME: I DON’T CARE AS LONG AS I FINISH WASHING YOUR HAIR!

NICK: Dad?

ME: Yes.

NICK: Do you like Xavier?

ME: Who is Xavier?

NICK: I don’t know.

ME: Is he a friend from school?

NICK: No.

ME: Is he from a TV show?

NICK: No.

ME: What are you smiling about?

NICK: Nothing. Do you like Xavier?

ME: Nick, I have no idea who Xavier is.

NICK: Who is he?

ME: I don’t know. That’s what I’m asking you.

NICK: Do you like him?

ME: Nick, how…what…I don’t understand anything you’re saying. Who is Xavier?

NICK: I don’t know.

ME: You don’t know.

NICK: But do you like him?

ME: I don’t…what is so funny?

NICK: Nothing!

ME: Then why are you laughing?

NICK: I’m not!

ME: You’re totally laughing!

NICK: Do you like Xavier?

ME: Stop saying that!

NICK: DO YOU?

ME: I don’t know who Xavier is! Tell me who Xavier is!

NICK: EVERYBODY’S GONNA DIE! EVERYBODY’S GONNA DIE!

ME: Oh, my God. Stop it! Stop saying that!

NICK: EVERYBODY’S GONNA DIE!

ME: Nick! Stop it! This is like the worst horror movie of all time! Cut it out! And stop laughing! I mean it!

NICK: Okay. Dad?

ME: WHAT?

(Pause)

NICK: Do you like Xavier?

For new readers – Billy and Billy 2 are Nick’s creations. They’ve been around a few years now. Nick blames everything on them.  We don’t like Billy and Billy 2 because when they’re around, they make Nick say bad words and throw temper tantrums. Basically, Billy and Billy 2 are imaginary a-holes.

NICK: MOM! DAD! BILLY AND BILLY 2 ARE IN THE HOUSE!

ALLISON: Tell them to go home.

NICK: Why?

ALLISON: Because it’s dinner time and besides, Billy and Billy 2 aren’t allowed in the house.

NICK: I have to go find them!

ME: No. Eat your chili.

NICK: HOW DID THEY GET IN, DAD?

ME: Did you turn on the sign that says “Billy and Billy 2 are not allowed in the house?”

NICK: I forgot.

ME: Then that’s probably why they came in.

NICK: HOW ARE WE GONNA GET THEM OUT OF THE HOUSE?

ME: Maybe you should set a Billy trap.

NICK: Yeah! I’m gonna set a sticky trap. And they will stick to it. And then we can shoot them!

ME: We’re not shooting anybody.

NICK: Then what, dad?

ME: We’ll put them outside.

NICK: AND THEN WE WILL SHOOT THEM!

ME: No. Then they will be outside and we can eat in peace.

NICK: I KNOW! WE WILL LET BEES COME AND STING THEM AND COVER THEIR BODIES AND STING THEM!

ME: Oh, look. I just told Billy and Billy 2 they have to leave. So they’re not in the house anymore. Eat your dinner.

NICK: Okay. (long pause) DAD! BILLY AND BILLY 2 CAME IN THROUGH THE WINDOW!

ME: I threw them out again.

NICK: BUT THEN THEY BROKE IN WITH A KEY!

ME: Tell them they have to leave.

NICK: THEY’RE THROWING ALL THE CHILI EVERYWHERE! IT’S ALL OVER THE FLOOR!

ALLISON: I don’t like Billy OR Billy 2.

ME: Oh, look! There they go. I see them outside. Billy and Billy 2 are gone. They can’t come back in the house tonight. Okay?

NICK: Okay.

ME: Good.

NICK: Oh, no dad! Billy and Billy 2 built robots and left them in the house!

 

NICK: Dad?

ME: Yes.

NICK: I saw a dead bird.

ME: Where?

NICK: Over by the fence when we were walking Jessie. Dad?

ME: Yes.

NICK: And I saw a dead squirrel. How did they get dead?

ME: I don’t know. It’s pretty cold out. Maybe they froze.

NICK: When we go to the museum can we tell them because they might want them for their bones to turn into fossils.

ME: That’s not a bad idea. But it takes a looooooong time to make a fossil.

NICK: How long?

ME: I dunno. Thousands of years? Something like that.

NICK: Well maybe we could tell them and they could come later and dig them up and then have the fossils.

ME: Maybe.

NICK: Dad?

ME: Yes.

NICK: Did you ever see anything die?

ME: Yeah. You remember me telling you about my dog Baxter? I saw him die.

NICK: Where did he die?

ME: In our dining room.

NICK: How did he die?

ME: He got sick, remember?

NICK: Did you drop a pie on him?

ME: What?

NICK: Did  you drop a pie on him?

ME: What are you talking about?

NICK: I’m just kidding! Dad?

ME: Yes.

NICK: Who else saw Baxter die?

ME: Mommy, Grammy and Grumps.

NICK: What did you do with him after he died?

ME: Well…we took him to the vet and they…um…cremated his body. That means they burned it and turned it into ashes.

NICK: Into ashes?

ME: Yeah. His body didn’t work anymore, you know? He was dead. So we kept his ashes.

NICK: Where are they?

ME: They’re in the closet.

NICK: THE ASHES ARE IN THE HOUSE???

ME: Yes.

NICK: Can I see them?

ME: Someday.

NICK: What do they look like?

ME: I dunno…kind of like…black sand.

NICK: Why you burn him up?

ME: I guess I just didn’t like the thought of burying him.

NICK: The dead bird I saw you know what?

ME: What?

NICK: It was all tored up by vultures.

ME: Really?

NICK: Yeah. And what if the vulture comes to our house to get Jessie?

ME: Vultures only eat dead animals so it won’t get Jessie. But if a vulture does come to our house, I will drop a pie on him.

NICK: Yeah! Get outta here you stupid vulture!

ME: That’s right.

NICK: Daddy?

ME: Yes.

NICK: We better not tell anyone about Baxter’s ashes.

ME: Why not?

NICK: BECAUSE IF WE DO THE MUSEUM MIGHT COME OVER AND DIG UP OUR HOUSE!

NICK: Dad?

ME: Yes.

NICK: You know what this tank can do?

ME: What?

NICK: It can shoot! With it’s gun!

ME: I know!

NICK: And you know what?

ME: What?

NICK: The soldiers say “Shoot the enemy! Shoot the enemy!” And then know what?

ME: What?

NICK: The tanks goes “Rrrrrrrrrrrrr…” And it’s gun goes up! Daddy?

ME: Yes?

NICK: On my other tank? The one at home? The gun doesn’t go up. It goes around. But this one goes up.

ME: Cool.

NICK: Dad? Do you like this tank?

ME: Yeah!

NICK: Was it expensive?

ME: No. It was only fifty cents.

NICK: Why?

ME: Well, it was used. When you buy something at a flea market, you’re buying something that’s a little old, a little used and maybe someone was just trying to get rid of it.

NICK: Why?

ME: I don’t know. I guess they didn’t want it anymore?

NICK: Why?

ME: I don’t know. Maybe someone had a lot of toys and then they got older and just didn’t want all their toys anymore so they took them to the flea market.

(Pause)

NICK: Dad?

ME: Yes.

NICK: I love this tank. I’m never gonna give it away.

NICK: Dad?

ME: Yes.

NICK: Can I sit on your lap before I take my bath? It’s kind of serious.

ME: Sure. What’s up?

NICK: There was a new girl in school today and know what? She doesn’t like me.

ME: What’s her name?

NICK: Nan.

ME: How do you know she doesn’t like you?

NICK: I don’t know.

ME: Did you talk to her?

NICK: Yeah. But you know what? Donald came up with an ingenious plan.

ME: What was that?

NICK: He said that he was gonna marry Claire instead of me.

ME: What about Nan?

NICK: She thinks Claire is my girlfriend.

ME: So Donald said he was gonna marry Claire so Nan wouldn’t think she was your girlfriend?

NICK: Yeah. Donald is a genius!

ME: So now is Nan your girlfriend?

NICK: No. Kerry is.

ME: Who’s Kerry?

NICK: My girlfriend. But Nan doesn’t know I’m gonna marry Kerry ’cause know what? When she looks at me I say to Kerry “Duck!” and she ducks.

ME: So why don’t you think Nan likes you?

NICK: I don’t know. Dad?

ME: Yes.

NICK: SHE BETTER NOT DRIVE OVER TO OUR HOUSE WITH THAT STINKY CAR!

ME: Who?

NICK: The new girl.

ME: Nan.

NICK: Yeah.

ME: How do you know she has a stinky car?

NICK: She told me. Her car smells all stinky.

ME: So you had a conversation with her about how her car smells?

NICK: Yeah. AND IF SHE COMES OVER TO MY HOUSE WITH THAT STINKY CAR I GONNA TELL HER I’LL THROW HER IN A VOLCANO IN ICELAND.

ME: Okay. Or what you could do is invite her to share your toys or something.

NICK: Dad?

ME: Yes.

NICK: I don’t want to take a bath. I want to lie on the floor and think about her.

ME: Listen…here’s what I think you should do. Tomorrow, just go to school and be nice to her. Ask her to sit by you. Share your toys.

NICK: What if girls don’t like me?

ME: You will meet girls that will like you. If Nan doesn’t like you, you will meet someone else. But if Nan is new, maybe she’s just shy. I would just be nice to her and see what happens.*

NICK: BUT IF SHE COMES TO T-BALL SHE MIGHT HIT ME WITH A BAT!

ME: Is she signed up for t-ball?

NICK: I DON’T KNOW BUT SHE PROBLY DOESN’T EVEN KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT IT!

ME: I wouldn’t worry too much about T-ball yet.

NICK: I THINK SHE WANTS TO MARRY ME BUT HER CAR IS STINKY!

ME: She wants to marry you? I thought she didn’t like you.

NICK: I’M EMBARRASSED!

ME: Oh, listen… there’s nothing to be embarrassed about. Seriously.

NICK: Okay. I think I’m ready for my bath now.

ME: Okay.

*I have omitted a great deal of nonsensical stammering from this particular piece of advice.

NICK: Dad! What’s that?

ME: Oh, wow. That’s a huge wasp nest. Just hanging in that tree. How weird.

NICK: ARE THEY GONNA STING US?

ME: No.

NICK: Wasps only bother you if you bother them.

ME: Right. You know one time your Uncle Brad got stung by a bunch of wasps in his back.

NICK: How?

ME: They were in the mailbox and he opened the mailbox and they flew out and stung him.

NICK: HOW THEY GET IN THE MAIL BOX?

ME: I dunno. They just built their nest in there.

NICK: What did he do?

ME: He ran away. He was really little so I know he screamed and cried and stuff.

NICK: I CAN HEAR ALL THAT IN MY MIND!

ME: Can you?

NICK: YES!

ME: And then your grandpa in Colorado had to spray and kill all the wasps.

NICK: You know what? This one time, Billy and Billy 2 brought wasps inside a building!

ME: What kind of building?

NICK: A museum!

ME: Oh, man. What happened?

NICK: I was the police! And Billy let all the wasps go and I said “GET OUT OF HERE YOU WASPS I’M THE POLICE!” and I sprayed but it didn’t work.

ME: Why not?

NICK: Not enough chemical. And so I had to throw a bomb and I BLOWED UP THE WHOLE BUILDING! PWOKKKKKSSSSSH!

ME: You blew up a museum just to kill some wasps?

NICK: Yes.

ME: Sweet.

SCENE: A restaurant. In public.

NICK’S GRAMPA: Happy Birthday, Dave!

NICK’S GRANDMA: Yes. Happy Birthday. I’m sure it will be a very good year.

ALLISON: Don’t you think he looks good for 48?

ME: Nice try. I’m 46.

NICK’S GRANDMA: Well here’s to a year of success and happiness!

NICK’S GRAMPA: Cheers!

ALLISON: Cheers!

NICK’S GRANDMA: Cheers!

NICK: HEY GUYS! KNOW WHAT? PEOPLE ARE JUST MEAT!